Saturday, February 19, 2011

Give me a leg to stand on

As long as I can remember I have had 3 primary passions that have driven me.  First, to love a spouse for the rest of my life, the second, to be a mother, the third, being creative. God and these three passions are the four cornerstones of my identity.  Now being that the first two, and sometimes the third, are not very lucrative I had to do what most of the rest of the world does, get a job that pays the bills. My life's plan went just like the rhyme,

first comes love
then comes marriage
then comes the baby in the baby carriage
then the stay at home mom has the time to develop her creative empire

You don't know that version? Hmmmm, that's how I remember it.

I supported myself very well until the age of 25 when I married my love. Then we shared the expense of building a life together that we wanted to bring a family into. I even held on to crappy jobs that paid well  (for awhile, my current well paying job is not crappy :) because I knew the maternity benefits would be worth it. And since we were waiting a little while for children anyway I wanted to make the most of our 2-person family = low expenses + high income. (check)
marriage (check)
baby ....finally started to work on that one at the beginning of 2006.

My passion for creativity smoldered on the backburner this whole time, patiently waiting for it's time. It had it's little flair ups, during brief moments of un-employment, when other commitments in my life weren't too hectic, and of course I always made time to create in my homes, playing interior decorator.  But as I, at first, waited patiently for a baby, I was able to wait patiently for my career as a creatist.

Up until 2 years ago I couldn't even conceive of a different future. But the waiting was taking it's toll, 2 out of 3 of my passions, my life's pursuits, my big dreams, my very nature, and way I believe I was designed to be, were just not coming to fruition. And without the one (children) I feel like the other one (paid creatist) is also out of reach. With a husband who hates 90% of his job we have too many financial commitments for both of us to start new careers, especially new careers that won't start at the wages we're making now. And considering I do enjoy my job, I do enjoy my co-workers, the work I do, my being fulfilled is less important than his being happy.

So that leaves trying to fit it in outside of work. The exact amount of time I have left in my day after work commitment, home commitment, health commitment, God commitment,  is 2-3 hrs on weekdays, 7-8 hours on weekend days, not including any socializing, and not including time in a small group which I'd really like to join this year.  Is that enough time to start building a creative business on the side, until it grows into something more viable? I don't think so, judging from how well my Stampin' Up! has been going (which was supposed to be 50% business, 50% hobby, now 20% business, 80% really expensive hobby).  And we all know how I burnt out when I tried to also fit in creative goals, homemaking goals, relationship goals, etc., above and beyond the basics, for a longer period of time. So, do I really think it's even good for me to commit all my extra time to this?

Now maybe that's just my impatience trying to find a way to make it happen on my own, now, but I am mostly feeling the alternative is putting another dream on hold, being unsure if anything will ever come of it. Appeasing my passion's appetite with tiny tastes of the creativity I so long to explore more deeply, serving only as an appetizer, making me all the more hungry for it. 

Just like my other big dream, I'm not sure I'm supposed to give up on this passion, just because it's not viable right now, after all, Crafting/Creating was one of my top 3 spiritual gifts. I know I was built with this talent, and drive to create, for a reason. But I'm teetering, with only two out of four 'legs' to stand on, my identity feels like it's no longer stable, like I'm not all that sure of who I am anymore. There are new passions budding, but none that have given me a firm foundation I feel I can stand on yet. All I can do is lean heavily on my foundation in Christ.....and wait.


PamJ said...

I struggle with this too. I am a BIG dreamer and realize that without Christ none of it will come true. Of course we can't wait to have it handed to us either so we work HARD at attaining that... But no matter what dreams may or may not come true we have a great promise of the best dream to come true later :)

Lori Klassen said...

I totally get it. I don't have an answer for you, but I'm there with you. I'm praying for us. I have a feeling we'll be surprised at what He has in store for us.

Pamela said...

May He give you the legs you are searching for-whether they are the ones you are thinking belong there or whether they are new ones, may He give you peace about what is in store.

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