Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Making peace with gravity

Some people don't believe in God because creation is just a theory, there isn't enough proof. Granted, the opposing view is also called a theory, theory of evolution (macro that is), and it actually has more holes in it's theory. But I digress, I just find it interesting how people will pick and choose theories based on their own limited experience with the evidence.

What if I decided to stop believing in the theory of relativity (gravity). What if I decide this so called theory could fall apart any day, so I start spending money on a space suit, preparing my body for weightlessness, fastening all my belongings so they don't float away? The world would look at me like I am a nut case, and if it weren't illegal to commit someone against their will, if they aren't violent, I'd bet there would be more than a few people signing a petition to lock me up.

So how is it that it's completely normal, socially acceptable, and even expected that people should dismiss a theory that holds more water than all other opposing views? It really baffles me. Like my husband says, if evolution (macro) was real, the people who believe the flawed theory would have already been eliminated by natural selection.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Home Sweet Home

Just wanted to share a few of my sweet spots, the favorite little touches around my home that make me smile.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

View From Here

In the last few months I have come across this blog where I have loved several posts, I especially liked the idea behind this post because I love capturing you may have gathered about me by now. It's about getting photos of our "moments of win", because I love the idea of documenting great moments where I felt on top of a mountain.
I started this post actually hoping to find photos of my moments of win, but got busy, couldn't find exactly the pictures I was looking for. Over time I actually began reading other blogs and hearing other people talk about the actual climb up the mountain. How we actually would rather not remember the gruelling crawl, oops, I mean climb up the mountain. How we can sometimes forget, or want to forget, the slips, trips and falls, especially when we couldn't or didn't want to get back up again. But I remember, and I want to remember, because it forced me to learn from mistakes, it forced me to get comfortable with pain, it forced me to realize when I don't have strength I know who I can turn to.
I decided those ugly moments are actually the ones I remember! The ones I never want to forget! Remember that time I was really grappling with gief? Remember when I was waist deep in that mess, clawing my way out? Remember that time I was on my knees because I just couldn't reach any higher in that moment? Remember when I wished I could see His footprints in the sand next to mine, or better yet, could only see one set of prints because he was carrying me?
These are those moments. The moments I may not have been at the bottom, but I was no where near the top. The moments I really had to make a choice, to keep going or give up.

Here I am beginning to taste freedom from co-dependence, yet I would jump back into it several times and I can still see the clues as to how in this photo.

Here I was in my first job that actually felt like it could be my career. Little did I know I was completely fooled by a manipulative boss, it was not only a dead end job but it would be the second time I was almost convinced I should lose faith in myself.
My tattoo was a symbol of closing a chapter in my life that took until I was 30 to resolve. Or so I thought, because 2 years later I just about had a breakdown due to not fully dealing with that past.
Just a few days before my sister announced she was pregnant with my nephew, I was 12 days late and convinced I was pregnant. He's now almost 2 years old and I still am childless.

After finally coming to terms with the reality of being overweight I made the choice to do everything it took to be healthy again. Here I have lost 25 lbs but still had another 15 lbs to lose. Now I have 20 lbs to lose and am struggling to make that choice a priority again.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Fruits of the Lori

Just leaving another little reminder, to myself, of what my priorities are in my life and accounting for my progress:

Health. My exercising is still regular, and it's more like 2 or more hours a week now, but not all on the treadmill. I started adding weights again as well some core exercises with my giant stress ball (often known as a pilates ball). The jogging hasn't improved, my hip has been giving me too much trouble this month, but I'm still not going as slow as I was in December. My diet has been a big achievement this month, as I talked Sean out of going to Foody Goody every week as we have for the last year (it became a special 'us' time, but of course the food was a big draw too). So that's about 1000 calories less a week. I also gave up sugar for lent because it's just seemed to be too big of a weak spot I needed a bigger reason to give it up than just my will power alone. I started a tracker of all my health goals, not just the kind that help me lose weight, and I have begun to feel genuinely happy in my body for the first time in a long time.

Self discovery. My creative journalling has been a little slower this month, but likely because I decided to tackle subjects that aren't very easy to uncover/discover. I've been blogging more about the 'little' things, not just as a 'filler' to feel like I'm posting more but little snapshots of how I'm feeling that I just feel need documentation. After all, that's half of why I do this....for a history of myself for myself. I of course am a little too much of a planner and perfectionist, because I've got almost a dozen blog entries started since being inspired, but have yet the time to chase my inpsiration through to completion. I need to focus some self-discipline back this way :)

Self discipline. Well, taking away sugar was a big step, and has become an exercise of not only teaching myself I can stand up to my worst temptations, but it's also teaching me how to be resourceful and finding ways to achieve my goals without lowering or rejecting my standards. I have mostly kept up to date on my daily Bible readings, I'm just a few days behind, but I'm finding that although being able to squeeze in a daily reading makes it easier to accomplish, I am not absorbing as much as I hoped. Reading through Leviticus right now might have something to do with that, but I'm going to be making an effort not to read while other things are around to distract me.

I think I've done well enough that I can add one more priority that has become a focus over the last few months. I really want to be a more considerate person.

con-sid-er-ate /k-n-s-d-r-t/ [kuhn-sid-er-it] showing kindly awareness or regard for another's feelings, circumstances, etc.

Being Considerate. Not bragging ;) but I'm naturally a very caring and giving and kind person, BUT that's when I can see a need. Sometimes I feel so obliviously unaware to what other people might be feeling/needing, or just so unequipped to show them the empathy they need. This month I have finally felt there are a few specific people who have really needed even the smallest of gestures or time or encouragement, people I may not have always noticed this need in. Some of them close to me, some of them not, some of them obviously in need, some of them not, some of them deserving, some of them....well quite frankly I was led to love them more by God than my heart. A few of them have already pretty much emptied my bank of love for them. Those few have been, for lack of a better word, needy for quite awhile already, taking and not giving much back. It's been exhausting exercising the patience not to confront them on their lack of reciprocation. How far do I take consideration? But I just kept feeling there wasn't a good time to tell them I'm getting to the point I need something back to keep going. And I cried out to God for help because it's painful being that empty in a relationship just about every day. He showed me, this was beyond my quest for consideration....and I felt relief! I could finally feel ok about asking to receive.
Nope, that wasn't what He meant.
It wasn't just consideration He was helping me with, it was learning to love without getting anything back.
It was learning to love for His sake, not for my own.
It was learning to get my need for love, and all other needs for that matter, met by Him, not primarily from my human relationships.
It was learning to love from His bank of love for them, not my own.
Little did I know an attempt to be more aware of the needs of those around me would lead to a call for sacrificial love! (sarcasm :) I just wanted to have better intuition relating to people.....and remember to ask my guests if they need something to drink :)

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

This pinch should hurt if I'm real

I think we all have those moments when we wonder, am I a phony? am I being honest about who I really am? as I discover more about who I am I actually end up with more questions, like:

the way I feel I want to be seen by the world, is that really who I am or am I just trying to be liked?
when I can see God given beauty and purpose in every one's life but my own, do I really believe I too am wonderfully made?
am I really just envious of what others have been blessed with and am trying to fabricate that in my own life?
am I a hypocrite to not whole heatedly believe in my own beauty and purpose?
am I trying to create beauty or be seen as beautiful?

and ...

do I really just want to help people with my testimony or am I just looking for people to admire my strength and survival, which of course aren't even my doing?
do I really allow myself to be the weak one in my story, to give glory to God for my rescue, or do I hide in the term victim so I appear helpless rather than like I made some bad choices?
do I label him evil so I can appear more saintly?
do I just want people to justify my pain and therefore my baggage?


do I really love as 'arms wide and heart abandoned' as I think I do or do I love just to be loved?
do I love ultimately to earn reciprocation and validation?
am I willing to accept being loved according to other people's definitions?
do I really believe God wants to me love with all I have despite what I get in return?
am I too fearful of how much I should love without reciprocation, considering my past?

considering I feel the pinch when those questions are asked shows I'm touching a few nerves. shows I'm not in dreamy denial of the moments I can waiver between who I portray I am and who I really am. willing to pinch, willing to stay aware, that's a good sign that I've survived a reality check. because although I sometimes may not quite know who I am, I at least want to know I am being truthful and real about it.

Sadness is....

loving someone more than they love you.
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