Over the years I've documented here my struggle to make wellness a lifestyle, trying not to treat balanced eating and more activity as a punishment but a choice I embrace. It has been very difficult as I don't not have a natural affinity for it, nor an upbringing in that lifestyle, but I have realized one thing and that is my attitude towards it makes a world of difference.
When I picked up jogging again last summer I passed quite a few other athletes on my favored path, one obvious observation was that they were much better than me, not that it concerned me, but one thing I observed did.
They all looked like they were not enjoying their run.
They looked like I felt.
And it struck me, I don't want to be out here looking like I hate this.
To me it stands to reason that if my emotion indicator (face) appears as if I hate this, then maybe to some degree my subconscious will receive that is how I feel.
And I don't hate actually hate running. I hate that right now it's hard because I've abused my body with food and neglect. I hate that I waited so long my bones and joints are more resistant to impact and pressure at this age. I hate that I would rather have food than any other reward.
But I don't hate running.
Now I realize that a lot of runners have a look of concentration, or determination, some maybe in pain, and some may actually hate running but have their own reasons for doing it anyway. And I'm not a proponent of fake it until you make it. I don't want to run with a smile as part of a facade where I'm not being real with people.
Rather, I want to run with a smile on my face because I want to be joyful in every circumstance.
I've learned over the last year that joy is not an emotion, it is a choice.
It's like love is a choice. Love is associated with a lot of emotions but they don't define love for me, the closest thing to a definition of love I believe is devotion. And devotion is an action, not a feeling, and therefore it is a choice.
Like joy. Joy is associated with a lot of emotions but the best definition I've heard of joy is actually from the Greek term used in the Bible, it means grace recognized. It means I have joy because I choose to recognize how much I have been spared, how much I have to be grateful for.
I want to run out of that gratefulness that I CAN run, no matter how slow, no matter how painful. There are many, many reasons I've come to understand why I should be grateful I can even walk, never mind run.
Being joyful about running doesn't mean that it isn't hard, that I don't dislike parts of it, but it's a lot like life, life is hard, and I don't like parts of it, but I am so grateful I have the life I have.
So, how do I maintain that smile on my face while my knees and hips ache, my calves tighten up, and my lungs want to give up? Well, since I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, one of the ways I enjoy my run is to listen to revved up worship music - there is actually worship music available that speeds up the tempo so that it's upbeat enough to run to. So I run to songs that sing to me phrases like:
You make me brave No fear can hinder now
Breaking chains that were holding me
You have made my burden light You have brought me back to life again
You are with me in every step that I take
Tune our hearts into Your beat. Where we walk, there You'll be.
You healed my body and You made me new
We are more than conquerors
All I have is yours, every single breath
The song he heard gave him hope and strength to carry on
Showing posts with label Health. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Health. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 15, 2015
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
Wellness Wednesday
Well, my sabbatical from working is nearing it's end, I am more than half way through, and there is the possibility of a job soon, I am one of the short listed candidates so we'll see, I could be working very shortly! I was sitting enjoying a quiet, contemplative moment and started taking stock on how much this time has meant to me, and how much my health and well-being has improved from this reprieve. So I thought, I should really document this, hopefully not because it will be the only time I'll experience it all, but to inspire me to stay feeling this great!
One of my first orders of business was to start running consistently again, I have a marathon in June I want to run but also I wanted to prove to myself work was not just an excuse :) I wanted to strengthen the self-discipline muscle so that by the time I had to start working again running would be an enjoyment and I would want to prioritize it to keep it in my busier schedule. Other than the weeks I was sick and the week between Christmas and New Year's I have run minimum 90 minutes, and aimed for 135 minutes every week. Recently I've tried to up that a little to get more stamina and endurance, as I'll be trying to run more than double the length I've been currently running in the marathon. I haven't lost weight but I definitely feel stronger, I have better stamina, I have better cardiovascular strength, I don't get winded as easily, all great improvements!
Another top priority for me was to make a new meal plan. In the fall I had been studying more about food, both from a spiritual aspect and furthering my knowledge of nutritional needs, and also wanting to try to lower our food budget, not to mention keep the meals easy morning, noon and night so I don't feel the need to rely on faster foods when I'm back to work. I have finished it and have felt very good on it. As I said, I haven't lost weight, I haven't fully implemented this plan yet and I've been a bit indulgent since my year of forfeiting food luxuries is up, plus eating out a lot when I've been socializing during this time off. But, I'm trying to reign myself back in starting this week so I don't suffer shock if I end up back to work in a few weeks.
I think I've mentioned over the years, and the last few months before my layoff, about the chronic neck and back pain I deal with, and have most of my life, but especially in my last position. I was to the point I was going to physio for the first time in my life, in addition to monthly chiropractor and massage therapy. One week after my layoff my physiotherapist already saw enough improvement he suggested I wait a month and decide to come back if needed then. I haven't returned. I still have attended my other monthly appointments, but haven't felt in dire need of them the few days leading up to them as I have for years. I still have a few moments of stiffness and achyness but my back has not been this good since my last layoff in 2006!
Another thing I chose to focus on during this time was keeping a schedule and staying well rested, not treating this time off like I would a vacation. I go to bed the same time as Sean, get up the same time as Sean, and have done a few other things to add to improvement of my sleep. I have noticed I have not needed coffee to stay awake like I was keeping the same schedule working....except school nights :) I hardly wake up or toss and turn through the night anymore. All without any medication I might add, in case that's what you thought I might have added, which the main thing I did is wear a sleep mask to keep out the light! I think also, the lack of having stress to tumble through my brain has made for less restlessness.
An unintentional change I decided to make was creating a better skin care regimen. Being a larger woman I experience stretch marks and especially in winter the dry, itchy skin I get around them can be quite bothersome. I decided I should take much better care of my skin so that I could minimize that, but also to maybe help improve appearance and texture. It's amazing what a difference you can feel about your body when you have soft, supple skin :) I researched quality soaps & lotions for a decent cost, made my own all natural & edible exfoliant, and created a routine that was not a lot of extra time in the shower. I created my own mixture of hand repair lotions too for my dry hands and poor cuticles and weak nails and my hands are doing great this winter!
Another unexpected benefit has been that I've needed my glasses less the last few months. My glasses are only necessary because I have one slightly far sighted and one slightly near sighted eye, they conflict when trying to read or look at writing on screens, they even said for watching t.v. when I got them at 15. So I wear them most of the time because these days, when are you not looking at a screen of some sort. I decided after a week of not working to try not putting them on first thing in the morning, to see how I feel. I've tried this on weekends and can often make it through one day, but usually my eyes get sore and tired for sure the second day, sometimes both days. I have ended up wearing my glasses only about 3 out of 85 days! What a blessing that has been this winter, I hate the many challenges of glasses wearing in winter!
Lastly, and most importantly, my spiritual health has been vastly improved. It may have taken me longer to really focus on making that happen during this time, but I started the new year with a new priority, to abide in God and everything else is secondary. Devotional time comes first. Health of my heart and my spirit come before the health of my body and relationships. It's been a long time since I have felt so at peace. There are still external and internal struggles I'm dealing with, but every morning I take the opportunity to lay them before God, reflect on what His Word has to say about it, and then focus on how I can submit them to Him and how He is equipping me to serve Him more fully. Just like there is a decision and a choice I make to love my husband in a way that will bring us intimacy and deeper love, there is I choice I make to love God like that. I choose to feel He is the center of my heart, my best friend, my love, no matter what other choices try to tempt me to feel differently. I have decided. And that has brought the most well-being of all.
One of my first orders of business was to start running consistently again, I have a marathon in June I want to run but also I wanted to prove to myself work was not just an excuse :) I wanted to strengthen the self-discipline muscle so that by the time I had to start working again running would be an enjoyment and I would want to prioritize it to keep it in my busier schedule. Other than the weeks I was sick and the week between Christmas and New Year's I have run minimum 90 minutes, and aimed for 135 minutes every week. Recently I've tried to up that a little to get more stamina and endurance, as I'll be trying to run more than double the length I've been currently running in the marathon. I haven't lost weight but I definitely feel stronger, I have better stamina, I have better cardiovascular strength, I don't get winded as easily, all great improvements!
Another top priority for me was to make a new meal plan. In the fall I had been studying more about food, both from a spiritual aspect and furthering my knowledge of nutritional needs, and also wanting to try to lower our food budget, not to mention keep the meals easy morning, noon and night so I don't feel the need to rely on faster foods when I'm back to work. I have finished it and have felt very good on it. As I said, I haven't lost weight, I haven't fully implemented this plan yet and I've been a bit indulgent since my year of forfeiting food luxuries is up, plus eating out a lot when I've been socializing during this time off. But, I'm trying to reign myself back in starting this week so I don't suffer shock if I end up back to work in a few weeks.
I think I've mentioned over the years, and the last few months before my layoff, about the chronic neck and back pain I deal with, and have most of my life, but especially in my last position. I was to the point I was going to physio for the first time in my life, in addition to monthly chiropractor and massage therapy. One week after my layoff my physiotherapist already saw enough improvement he suggested I wait a month and decide to come back if needed then. I haven't returned. I still have attended my other monthly appointments, but haven't felt in dire need of them the few days leading up to them as I have for years. I still have a few moments of stiffness and achyness but my back has not been this good since my last layoff in 2006!
Another thing I chose to focus on during this time was keeping a schedule and staying well rested, not treating this time off like I would a vacation. I go to bed the same time as Sean, get up the same time as Sean, and have done a few other things to add to improvement of my sleep. I have noticed I have not needed coffee to stay awake like I was keeping the same schedule working....except school nights :) I hardly wake up or toss and turn through the night anymore. All without any medication I might add, in case that's what you thought I might have added, which the main thing I did is wear a sleep mask to keep out the light! I think also, the lack of having stress to tumble through my brain has made for less restlessness.
An unintentional change I decided to make was creating a better skin care regimen. Being a larger woman I experience stretch marks and especially in winter the dry, itchy skin I get around them can be quite bothersome. I decided I should take much better care of my skin so that I could minimize that, but also to maybe help improve appearance and texture. It's amazing what a difference you can feel about your body when you have soft, supple skin :) I researched quality soaps & lotions for a decent cost, made my own all natural & edible exfoliant, and created a routine that was not a lot of extra time in the shower. I created my own mixture of hand repair lotions too for my dry hands and poor cuticles and weak nails and my hands are doing great this winter!
Another unexpected benefit has been that I've needed my glasses less the last few months. My glasses are only necessary because I have one slightly far sighted and one slightly near sighted eye, they conflict when trying to read or look at writing on screens, they even said for watching t.v. when I got them at 15. So I wear them most of the time because these days, when are you not looking at a screen of some sort. I decided after a week of not working to try not putting them on first thing in the morning, to see how I feel. I've tried this on weekends and can often make it through one day, but usually my eyes get sore and tired for sure the second day, sometimes both days. I have ended up wearing my glasses only about 3 out of 85 days! What a blessing that has been this winter, I hate the many challenges of glasses wearing in winter!
Lastly, and most importantly, my spiritual health has been vastly improved. It may have taken me longer to really focus on making that happen during this time, but I started the new year with a new priority, to abide in God and everything else is secondary. Devotional time comes first. Health of my heart and my spirit come before the health of my body and relationships. It's been a long time since I have felt so at peace. There are still external and internal struggles I'm dealing with, but every morning I take the opportunity to lay them before God, reflect on what His Word has to say about it, and then focus on how I can submit them to Him and how He is equipping me to serve Him more fully. Just like there is a decision and a choice I make to love my husband in a way that will bring us intimacy and deeper love, there is I choice I make to love God like that. I choose to feel He is the center of my heart, my best friend, my love, no matter what other choices try to tempt me to feel differently. I have decided. And that has brought the most well-being of all.
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Wellness Wednesday
It's been awhile since I posted on how the wellness is going. A lot has happened in a month.
Vacation (and preparation for a vacation) monopolized two weeks. Getting home and starting to plan a fundraiser for our friend to help pay for cancer treatments and related expenses has monopolized the other two weeks.
Not excuses, just priorities.
I actually have a big chunk of my fundraiser to-do list done, and the remaining pieces either are waiting for other people's contribution or I can fit in here and there because they are smaller tasks. So I think I can actually schedule a run in tonight! That's how I'm going to approach running until the end of summer, one day at a time.
As for food, I had some big successes and some big indulgences.
I am the kind of person who gets really hungry during traveling, I'm not sure what it is. So I prepared and I packed granola bars, pretzels, cashews, all mostly healthy snacks. But because it's vacation, I also packed candy :) That was probably my biggest indulgence was the candy, even though it's not technically a cheat, it's not a 'baked dessert', I gave myself the mandate that I wouldn't replaced baked goods with candy, I could only eat candy the same amount as I would have last year. If I had been on a vacation trip last year I would have eaten just as much candy ;)
Starbucks, that was another pre-planned indulgence just for vacation. And that one I only allowed on the US side of the border, just to help my head get around returning to eliminating it again.
The rest of my cheats I didn't plan, I made decisions in the moment. Like a vanilla milkshake, which is technically just vanilla ice cream, so still not sure if that is even a cheat. And while not a cheat, only two burger joints the whole trip, both healthier than most, and so filling we could barely eat the fries.
Then there was the wine....Sean started me off and our hosts kept it coming :) They were on vacation too!
Then there was the Cheesecake Factory, and you can't go there without having cheesecake! I actually could only eat half of mine though!
And my only other cheat was a few (giant!) cookies from Panera through the week.
It was actually my meals I was most impressed with though, I think I did
very good considering my vacation track record. I choose pretty healthy
and had good portion control at restaurants, other than previously
mentioned burgers, and one moving day pizza.
Vacation (and preparation for a vacation) monopolized two weeks. Getting home and starting to plan a fundraiser for our friend to help pay for cancer treatments and related expenses has monopolized the other two weeks.
Not excuses, just priorities.
I actually have a big chunk of my fundraiser to-do list done, and the remaining pieces either are waiting for other people's contribution or I can fit in here and there because they are smaller tasks. So I think I can actually schedule a run in tonight! That's how I'm going to approach running until the end of summer, one day at a time.
As for food, I had some big successes and some big indulgences.
I am the kind of person who gets really hungry during traveling, I'm not sure what it is. So I prepared and I packed granola bars, pretzels, cashews, all mostly healthy snacks. But because it's vacation, I also packed candy :) That was probably my biggest indulgence was the candy, even though it's not technically a cheat, it's not a 'baked dessert', I gave myself the mandate that I wouldn't replaced baked goods with candy, I could only eat candy the same amount as I would have last year. If I had been on a vacation trip last year I would have eaten just as much candy ;)
Starbucks, that was another pre-planned indulgence just for vacation. And that one I only allowed on the US side of the border, just to help my head get around returning to eliminating it again.
The rest of my cheats I didn't plan, I made decisions in the moment. Like a vanilla milkshake, which is technically just vanilla ice cream, so still not sure if that is even a cheat. And while not a cheat, only two burger joints the whole trip, both healthier than most, and so filling we could barely eat the fries.
We actually had mostly homemade meals thanks to our generous hosts.
Coming home it actually wasn't too hard to transition back to homemade meals, especially considering I planned them out to be pretty easy to make before we left. The challenge has been denying myself the cheats again. A few times at work already I've been confronted with the choice, and I've come really close to saying, 'you were cheating just 4, or 8 days ago, why not?!' But I did it, I said NO! :) It actually feels pretty good to exercise that no and be ok with it. Here's to 6 more months of doing so!
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
Wellness Wednesday
So even though I've seen motivational posters that say even if you just started running 'You ARE a runner', I've been reluctant to call myself one. I've started down this road before and never felt like a runner.
Today I felt like a runner.
Even without my coach (informal coach, she's one but she's my friend), today I pushed myself further than I have been able to push myself before. And I was able to go further than the goal I set for myself today. And when I was going to walk the rest of the way home I decided to run some more because it felt good. I was actually enjoying it.
Granted I walked a big chunk in the middle because I wanted the stretch next to the river to be my date with Jesus this week, so I was really slow on that stretch but I think that's just what my body needed because when I started running again after I expected to have to push through the exhaustion but instead found renewed energy!
And today's run brought me to just shy of 5 hrs, just over 25 km, in 11 days!
So, today I feel like a runner!
And, Jesus joined the running too, he was cheering me on near the end in some very 70s running gear. He cracks me up :)
Monday, June 9, 2014
No Pain No Gain
Well, I am breaking personal records all over the place.
First yesterday, then today...running for a second day in a row! Often the first day of running after a long gap my hip is so sore I can't barely walk for a week, and even when it's not that sore I tell myself I need to space out my runs. But I had the opportunity to run with a new friend who is a marathon trainer! She wanted a slow run because she's injured but still training to do the 26 mile/40k run next Sunday, so I benefited from the privilege of slowing her down :) Couldn't turn that down!
Not only did she get me out for a second day in a row but she is definitely in the right profession because she was an excellent coach. She knew just how to encourage me, how to challenge me, when to let me walk, when to say I could run more, when I needed the strength of Christ, how to reinforce my good habits, teach me better habits and form. And the results speak for themselves....
Better average speed, better top speed, longer distance, almost no hip pain (yesterday had quite a bit) and she helped me learn how to run in a form that would continue to strengthen my hip while not straining it so much as well. And she taught me to run through the calf strain, which I thought at first would do me in but she said muscle pain is ok to run through, so I kept going. So many improved results I can hardly believe it!
But I don't want to sugar coat it. It was hard. I walked very slowly home.
But that gave me some time to think.
About hard work.
I didn't think I was adverse to it, but I realized today I had a fear of the hard work it would take to accomplish a marathon, even a 5k, a distance I have easily walked. This was not something I was conscious of before, and so I wondered where this fear came from? Especially considering I have at least 3 people in my life who have overcome their own adversities to become a multi-marathon runner and I was witness to their accomplishment, why did I think it was beyond my reach?
As I thought about it I thought back to other things I had to work hard for.
I couldn't think of anything.
It's not that I haven't worked hard, but it's usually been to work my way out of a bad situation, not working hard for something, towards a positive goal. I have felt most of my life that life happens to me, good and bad things just seem to fall into my lap without much effort on my part. Of course when the bad situations came (once I realized they were bad) there was a lot of hard work involved to move forward in a positive direction, but I had to do it, to survive.
Running is hard work for the sole goal of thriving.
When you need to survive you have a lot of extra motivation, to move away from pain. Motivation to thrive....sorely lacking when you are moving towards pain.
And in survival it's easier to take it one day at a time, it's easier to say, 'well at least I don't do that anymore.' When you are trying to thrive I think you are a lot harder on yourself, expect more of yourself.
So there it was. I had been avoiding accomplishing this goal of running in a marathon because I was afraid of this new territory of working hard just to discipline my self. Moving towards and into pain in order to accomplish something. Seemed silly when I was perfectly happy not running.
But I felt like I had been missing out on something by avoiding the pain.
And I realized I haven't always made the choice to run from/avoid pain.
Tattoos are a simple example, I felt making my story visible was worth the pain.
And I chose to go back to trying to have children after I had essentially given up because of all the pain. After 6 years of so much heartache and frustration I chose to try again because I believed all the suffering would be worth it. And now in the 8th year I still believe strongly that the pain will be worth it.
Pain was worth it if I believed there was a big pay off in the end.
And I believe that there will be a big pay off to accomplishing this 10 k run next year. The difference is I'm pretty unclear what that pay off will be. I mean obviously there will be the physical health aspect but I have a feeling there is much, much more to this. It's just a feeling I have but it's enough to motivate me to thrive!
I have never liked the saying, but it finally has new meaning for me, no pain no gain.
First yesterday, then today...running for a second day in a row! Often the first day of running after a long gap my hip is so sore I can't barely walk for a week, and even when it's not that sore I tell myself I need to space out my runs. But I had the opportunity to run with a new friend who is a marathon trainer! She wanted a slow run because she's injured but still training to do the 26 mile/40k run next Sunday, so I benefited from the privilege of slowing her down :) Couldn't turn that down!
Not only did she get me out for a second day in a row but she is definitely in the right profession because she was an excellent coach. She knew just how to encourage me, how to challenge me, when to let me walk, when to say I could run more, when I needed the strength of Christ, how to reinforce my good habits, teach me better habits and form. And the results speak for themselves....
Better average speed, better top speed, longer distance, almost no hip pain (yesterday had quite a bit) and she helped me learn how to run in a form that would continue to strengthen my hip while not straining it so much as well. And she taught me to run through the calf strain, which I thought at first would do me in but she said muscle pain is ok to run through, so I kept going. So many improved results I can hardly believe it!
But I don't want to sugar coat it. It was hard. I walked very slowly home.
But that gave me some time to think.
About hard work.
I didn't think I was adverse to it, but I realized today I had a fear of the hard work it would take to accomplish a marathon, even a 5k, a distance I have easily walked. This was not something I was conscious of before, and so I wondered where this fear came from? Especially considering I have at least 3 people in my life who have overcome their own adversities to become a multi-marathon runner and I was witness to their accomplishment, why did I think it was beyond my reach?
As I thought about it I thought back to other things I had to work hard for.
I couldn't think of anything.
It's not that I haven't worked hard, but it's usually been to work my way out of a bad situation, not working hard for something, towards a positive goal. I have felt most of my life that life happens to me, good and bad things just seem to fall into my lap without much effort on my part. Of course when the bad situations came (once I realized they were bad) there was a lot of hard work involved to move forward in a positive direction, but I had to do it, to survive.
Running is hard work for the sole goal of thriving.
When you need to survive you have a lot of extra motivation, to move away from pain. Motivation to thrive....sorely lacking when you are moving towards pain.
And in survival it's easier to take it one day at a time, it's easier to say, 'well at least I don't do that anymore.' When you are trying to thrive I think you are a lot harder on yourself, expect more of yourself.
So there it was. I had been avoiding accomplishing this goal of running in a marathon because I was afraid of this new territory of working hard just to discipline my self. Moving towards and into pain in order to accomplish something. Seemed silly when I was perfectly happy not running.
But I felt like I had been missing out on something by avoiding the pain.
And I realized I haven't always made the choice to run from/avoid pain.
Tattoos are a simple example, I felt making my story visible was worth the pain.
And I chose to go back to trying to have children after I had essentially given up because of all the pain. After 6 years of so much heartache and frustration I chose to try again because I believed all the suffering would be worth it. And now in the 8th year I still believe strongly that the pain will be worth it.
Pain was worth it if I believed there was a big pay off in the end.
And I believe that there will be a big pay off to accomplishing this 10 k run next year. The difference is I'm pretty unclear what that pay off will be. I mean obviously there will be the physical health aspect but I have a feeling there is much, much more to this. It's just a feeling I have but it's enough to motivate me to thrive!
I have never liked the saying, but it finally has new meaning for me, no pain no gain.
Sunday, June 8, 2014
Slow and Steady
Doesn't always win the race, but still completes it.
This is the advice my sister Tami gave me yesterday. Tami, a personal trainer and marathon runner, first inspired me a few Father's Days ago when she completed the half marathon 13 miles (21k). I since tried getting on the marathon bandwagon, but I made a few mistakes, wrong motives, trying to do it all by myself, and taking generic internet coaching.
Now, somehow a conversation between my sisters and I last night ended up instigating a challenge to do the 10k marathon next Father's Day together. So, being an all or nothing kinda girl, I did my first run this morning already! Wasn't bad for first exercise in a few months and first time running since last summer, but about twice as slow as I would like to do the 10k...but we'll see. As Tami said, you don't have to run faster, just longer.
So that's where I started this morning, and I learned so much today. The main theme of what I learned was about distractions, good and bad.
Good Distraction #1: Breathing properly. Without having to try to worry about time or pace, and just running, I was for the first time ever able to pay attention to my breathing almost the entire run. I think it helped my lung capacity, energy and I was so into my breathing that I missed the street I was going to turn around at and ran 7 blocks further than I meant to, which meant 14 blocks further....which I ended up walking the second 7 so I could run the last 16 blocks.
This is the advice my sister Tami gave me yesterday. Tami, a personal trainer and marathon runner, first inspired me a few Father's Days ago when she completed the half marathon 13 miles (21k). I since tried getting on the marathon bandwagon, but I made a few mistakes, wrong motives, trying to do it all by myself, and taking generic internet coaching.
Now, somehow a conversation between my sisters and I last night ended up instigating a challenge to do the 10k marathon next Father's Day together. So, being an all or nothing kinda girl, I did my first run this morning already! Wasn't bad for first exercise in a few months and first time running since last summer, but about twice as slow as I would like to do the 10k...but we'll see. As Tami said, you don't have to run faster, just longer.
So that's where I started this morning, and I learned so much today. The main theme of what I learned was about distractions, good and bad.
Good Distraction #1: Breathing properly. Without having to try to worry about time or pace, and just running, I was for the first time ever able to pay attention to my breathing almost the entire run. I think it helped my lung capacity, energy and I was so into my breathing that I missed the street I was going to turn around at and ran 7 blocks further than I meant to, which meant 14 blocks further....which I ended up walking the second 7 so I could run the last 16 blocks.
Bad Distraction #1: I realized that previously my discomfort easily distracted me during a run and made it less enjoyable. I bought a new running outfit in winter hoping to motivate myself to get back on the treadmill (which it didn't) but today I realized a proper sports bra, a long fitted shirt I wasn't worried about riding up, and long fitted (not tight) pants I wasn't worried about rolling down or pant legs being too short, I was able to concentrate on good distractions. I didn't realize the poor clothing choices I was making before really kept me so self-conscious, which made running in them pretty unpleasant. Here's my new, relatively cheap, but very comfy running outfit.
Good Distraction #2: Music. When a song with a great beat came up in my playlist I found my pace definitely picked up, but also because it was a worship set I found myself full of praise and gratefulness for the ability to run.
Bad Distraction #2: Similar to ill-fitting clothes, ear buds that don't fit properly, that I had to constantly be putting back in my ears, or hurt my ears, had a negative impact on my running previously. I happened to get a new pair with some new electronic in the last 6 months, but they were different than other pairs so I decided to try them and they were fantastic!
Good Distraction #3: Positive attitude. I'm doing this for many positive reasons, why would I want to ruin it with the attitude that running sucks. So I spent the time enjoying it, the perfect breeze, smiling at other people as we passed, my ability to run longer on cement than I ever have before, and more.
Bad Distraction #3: I admit, today I realized how much I used to set myself up for failure. In addition to all the above mentioned, I also didn't stretch before my runs previously. I know, shame on me. I have in the last 7 weeks every Thursday I have been privy to witness an exercise group who stretches, runs, and then cools down/meditates and so this morning my first thought as I stepped outside was that I should stretch. It made a world of difference. Duh! My usual leg strain was gone after 4 blocks rather than being my companion most of the run. That constant pain obviously made it unpleasant to run.
Good Distraction #4: Adding a positive voice to the internal tape playing in my head. The old wrong motives, and relying on my own strength, and holding myself to anonymous internet standards really was a discouraging bunch of voices to accompany every run. All it took was one simple phrase from my sister, advice she herself used to accomplish several marathons, and I found new grace for myself and those other voices were completely silenced. Another marathoning friend (who leads the Thursday classes I observe) told me today, 'the only person you need to race is who you were yesterday.' This is no different than any other area of life, the negative voices distract from accomplishing goals, positive voices give faith in myself.
So, with all that I was able to run farther on cement than I ever have before, I was in the least pain after a run I have ever experienced, I had the most energy after the run than I have ever had, and it was probably the slowest run I've had in 6 years, lol. So all in all, very successful!
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
Wellness Wednesday
As I mentioned, May turned into cheat month. Yes month. Once you've gone completely off track it is so much easier to stay there. I am starting my count for just about every luxury no-no over again as of June 1st. So for now I will keep a running tally of how much I did eat in the last 4+ months, it seems a lot better more encouraging when I say it that way :)
So in the last 141 days I have had only :)
8 desserts
9 beverages
2 portions of chips
I still have not had any donuts, juices or milks! Still not bad considering most of that
And I went for an hour and a half long walk on Monday and about a 40 minute walk last week too. Rain hasn't been making walking outside easy but I'm going to keep trying, as long as it isn't too cold. A lot of season finale's on t.v. lately so my schedule is blowing wide open :)
And on all other fronts I am feeling good, feeling healthy. Intentionally working on how to keep hope afloat but more so how to remember my weakness is when God's grace and power are made perfect. I need to learn to let go of the desire NOT to be weak long before I reach the end of myself. And I have a few tools in my pocket now to help with that.
I have realized also though that I haven't had a consistent spiritual filling since our small group transformed. I think I might be spiritually dehydrated. My soul is refreshed now and then, through certain people, through certain situations, but those just are not happening frequently enough. I am in need of a small group where I have people pouring into me, not just me pouring into others. Or a mentor. I'm still looking for one of those. May have found a candidate or two :) We'll see where God takes that relationship. All I know is I'm doing a lot of pouring out without as much pouring back in.
But overall, I'm good. Better than good. Thank God for that.
So in the last 141 days I have had only :)
8 desserts
9 beverages
2 portions of chips
I still have not had any donuts, juices or milks! Still not bad considering most of that
And I went for an hour and a half long walk on Monday and about a 40 minute walk last week too. Rain hasn't been making walking outside easy but I'm going to keep trying, as long as it isn't too cold. A lot of season finale's on t.v. lately so my schedule is blowing wide open :)
And on all other fronts I am feeling good, feeling healthy. Intentionally working on how to keep hope afloat but more so how to remember my weakness is when God's grace and power are made perfect. I need to learn to let go of the desire NOT to be weak long before I reach the end of myself. And I have a few tools in my pocket now to help with that.
I have realized also though that I haven't had a consistent spiritual filling since our small group transformed. I think I might be spiritually dehydrated. My soul is refreshed now and then, through certain people, through certain situations, but those just are not happening frequently enough. I am in need of a small group where I have people pouring into me, not just me pouring into others. Or a mentor. I'm still looking for one of those. May have found a candidate or two :) We'll see where God takes that relationship. All I know is I'm doing a lot of pouring out without as much pouring back in.
But overall, I'm good. Better than good. Thank God for that.
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
Wellness Wednesday
Well, after just over a week of struggling, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, I think I am back to my normal. I am thankful I have a lot of wonderful people in my life I can reach out to, and talk to, each understands a different aspect, in a different way, and can speak truth into those moments. But mostly I am just surrounded by support and encouragement and hugs and I feel beyond blessed for the people God has placed in my life to love me back to health.
Even my physical health is bouncing back, which it had a lot to have to recover from. The fatigue is gone so I'm going to go out for some walks this week again. Back to cooking rather than eating out. Back to my plateau weight, so a small gain of 3 lbs. And the cheats are now done. I think :)
It feels like I was cheating for so long but it was really just the Sunday to Sunday. No offense to mom's but one day gets so dragged out, it felt like Smothers Day for 8 days. But with some cheating, great friends, and some avoidance tactics, I was actually mostly good by Sunday.
I capped this really difficult time testing out some talk therapy for my depression with my favorite counselor (technically in training), my hubby. I realized, the food did very little to help how I felt. The most helpful thing was talking with friends and God. But even that mostly only worked in the moment I was talking to those friends, in any moment of isolation and no effective distractions, I wasn't ok. And so I've learned I need to work on that while I am back to 'normal', preventative preparation, so that next time I don't feel so hopeless. Sean did an amazing job of helping me see hope that doesn't depend on a future event, but the hope I have in each day. It's strange how I can see and be blessed by joy, gratitude, love daily, yet the absence of hope still trumped that, and so I need to tie in hope to that joy, gratitude and love.
Even my physical health is bouncing back, which it had a lot to have to recover from. The fatigue is gone so I'm going to go out for some walks this week again. Back to cooking rather than eating out. Back to my plateau weight, so a small gain of 3 lbs. And the cheats are now done. I think :)
It feels like I was cheating for so long but it was really just the Sunday to Sunday. No offense to mom's but one day gets so dragged out, it felt like Smothers Day for 8 days. But with some cheating, great friends, and some avoidance tactics, I was actually mostly good by Sunday.
I capped this really difficult time testing out some talk therapy for my depression with my favorite counselor (technically in training), my hubby. I realized, the food did very little to help how I felt. The most helpful thing was talking with friends and God. But even that mostly only worked in the moment I was talking to those friends, in any moment of isolation and no effective distractions, I wasn't ok. And so I've learned I need to work on that while I am back to 'normal', preventative preparation, so that next time I don't feel so hopeless. Sean did an amazing job of helping me see hope that doesn't depend on a future event, but the hope I have in each day. It's strange how I can see and be blessed by joy, gratitude, love daily, yet the absence of hope still trumped that, and so I need to tie in hope to that joy, gratitude and love.
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
Wellness Wednesday - Mental Health
Before I get to my usual health related confessional, I wanted to take a moment to talk about a topic still not very prevalent in our society, mental health, since it's mental health awareness week.
I admittedly have a limited mental health awareness. I have had more interactions with some than others, such as bi-polar, anxiety and depression. I did quite a bit of research on the former two, because they have both affected my life directly, anxiety has been a problem of mine and bi-polar was an issue of my ex. But the latter, depression, I hadn't felt it was my concern to understand why some people felt more sad and hopeless than others, I just felt I needed to be understanding of their struggle without needing to understand it.
It's actually been a curiosity unfolding though for 15 months now. After my miscarriage in January of last year I fell into an overwhelming sadness, I felt desperate, anxious, numb, had a lack of concentration, fatigue/low energy, couldn't sleep well, felt irritable and on edge. I happened to have a close friend who deals with depression and I got up the courage to ask her, is this what depression feels like? Turns out I had described many of her exact symptoms. Because my limited understanding of depression was that it was beyond circumstances and control, I didn't want to equate my short-term feelings to the pain she's gone through a big portion of her life, but I also had this desire to label what I was going through. At the time I just ended up calling it grief.
But since then I've realized I've had these episodes before, and I wondered if it was possible to have situational depression? Could it be a real thing? I never really dived into it though. I, at the most, have only had 2 episodes in a year, usually only one. I could always trace my episodes back to either the hopelessness I've felt in my infertility, or relational stress from repressed feelings. Did it mean I am more prone to them through certain stresses? Possibly, but they were typically gone in a week, two after the miscarriage. I ended up just letting my concerns fade away.
Then I just went through a few more shorter periods between October and January, and even wrote about it here, how my hope was under attack. And I don't doubt that was in part spiritual. Maybe it all is, but just the awareness of the spiritual element only helped things temporarily. Because they are back again.
Last week, for reasons I'm not entirely sure of, the hopelessness started to increase and with it, most of the other symptoms started creeping back in as well. I invited prayer and God into the situation and it alleviated it for a few days, but Sunday it began to grow stronger again, and today at work I'm sitting here wondering how I'm even able to type out coherent thoughts because my mind is so numb, filled with fog. For the last two days I've just wanted to hibernate. I actually did yesterday, called in sick. It was my last chance at being pregnant before Mother's Day. I felt a little ridiculous calling in for just a normal period. But it wasn't just that. I was going to jokingly call it a 'mental health' day, which has been slang for many years for 'I'm just tired of working and I need a break from my job' day. Then it occurred to me though, the feeling of being under depression was truly a mental health issue, I was taking a legitimate mental health day.
Now back at work, a friend and co-worker brought up the mental health awareness week, and asked if we could tie in a talk about it in to our National H&S week activities. She will be giving a talk about it Friday and I decided to help do a little research. And guess what I found, there is such a thing as situational (or reactive) depression. With all of the symptoms I have (plus a few more) included.
What does this mean for me, having all but been actually diagnosed? I'm not sure. Talking about it in therapy-like sessions seems the normal recommendation. I do find when I am talking about it to the people who are understanding and let me verbal process, it really does alleviate a lot of the weight I feel on me. I do need to find additional solutions though. I have been so numb the last week I have been trying to feel through taste. I have cheated on my luxury abstinence in just about every category in the last 4 days. 4 desserts on Monday alone. So that tells you right there how my physical health has been the last week.
The reason I wanted to write about this though wasn't so I could validate that I have a type of depression, but so that other people might be aware that real feelings of depression do exist outside of clinical depression, they are valid, it isn't just you, and it isn't 'all in your head.' And there are options to treat it, you don't have to suffer with it. I intend to start looking for help, because frankly this sucks.
I admittedly have a limited mental health awareness. I have had more interactions with some than others, such as bi-polar, anxiety and depression. I did quite a bit of research on the former two, because they have both affected my life directly, anxiety has been a problem of mine and bi-polar was an issue of my ex. But the latter, depression, I hadn't felt it was my concern to understand why some people felt more sad and hopeless than others, I just felt I needed to be understanding of their struggle without needing to understand it.
It's actually been a curiosity unfolding though for 15 months now. After my miscarriage in January of last year I fell into an overwhelming sadness, I felt desperate, anxious, numb, had a lack of concentration, fatigue/low energy, couldn't sleep well, felt irritable and on edge. I happened to have a close friend who deals with depression and I got up the courage to ask her, is this what depression feels like? Turns out I had described many of her exact symptoms. Because my limited understanding of depression was that it was beyond circumstances and control, I didn't want to equate my short-term feelings to the pain she's gone through a big portion of her life, but I also had this desire to label what I was going through. At the time I just ended up calling it grief.
But since then I've realized I've had these episodes before, and I wondered if it was possible to have situational depression? Could it be a real thing? I never really dived into it though. I, at the most, have only had 2 episodes in a year, usually only one. I could always trace my episodes back to either the hopelessness I've felt in my infertility, or relational stress from repressed feelings. Did it mean I am more prone to them through certain stresses? Possibly, but they were typically gone in a week, two after the miscarriage. I ended up just letting my concerns fade away.
Then I just went through a few more shorter periods between October and January, and even wrote about it here, how my hope was under attack. And I don't doubt that was in part spiritual. Maybe it all is, but just the awareness of the spiritual element only helped things temporarily. Because they are back again.
Last week, for reasons I'm not entirely sure of, the hopelessness started to increase and with it, most of the other symptoms started creeping back in as well. I invited prayer and God into the situation and it alleviated it for a few days, but Sunday it began to grow stronger again, and today at work I'm sitting here wondering how I'm even able to type out coherent thoughts because my mind is so numb, filled with fog. For the last two days I've just wanted to hibernate. I actually did yesterday, called in sick. It was my last chance at being pregnant before Mother's Day. I felt a little ridiculous calling in for just a normal period. But it wasn't just that. I was going to jokingly call it a 'mental health' day, which has been slang for many years for 'I'm just tired of working and I need a break from my job' day. Then it occurred to me though, the feeling of being under depression was truly a mental health issue, I was taking a legitimate mental health day.
Now back at work, a friend and co-worker brought up the mental health awareness week, and asked if we could tie in a talk about it in to our National H&S week activities. She will be giving a talk about it Friday and I decided to help do a little research. And guess what I found, there is such a thing as situational (or reactive) depression. With all of the symptoms I have (plus a few more) included.
What does this mean for me, having all but been actually diagnosed? I'm not sure. Talking about it in therapy-like sessions seems the normal recommendation. I do find when I am talking about it to the people who are understanding and let me verbal process, it really does alleviate a lot of the weight I feel on me. I do need to find additional solutions though. I have been so numb the last week I have been trying to feel through taste. I have cheated on my luxury abstinence in just about every category in the last 4 days. 4 desserts on Monday alone. So that tells you right there how my physical health has been the last week.
The reason I wanted to write about this though wasn't so I could validate that I have a type of depression, but so that other people might be aware that real feelings of depression do exist outside of clinical depression, they are valid, it isn't just you, and it isn't 'all in your head.' And there are options to treat it, you don't have to suffer with it. I intend to start looking for help, because frankly this sucks.
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Wellness Wednesday
Well, April has been a hard month.
First the side effects from the medication were the worst ever. Usually they start right before and stop after ovulation but they kept going, no fading, just strong discomfort continuing day after day. It made me exhausted, hungry, emotionally hungry, uncomfortable, hot, cold, bloated, emotional, but mostly in pain. With Easter I know I fell off the wagon with chocolate quite a few days before these symptoms hit their worst, so I knew I had gained a pound or two back, but then I gained back 5 and my stomach was sticking out like I was 3 months pregnant (which I am NOT, so therefore DO NOT want to look like it). I had to wear loose clothes so as not to put any more pressure on my abdomen, but not so loose it looked like I was trying to hide a belly. Yuck. Some pretty tough, and not so healthy, days.
But, I went up for prayer after Church and the next day it was all mostly gone, just a slight bruised feeling from all that pain. I haven't yet dared step on the scale yet but the belly bloat is back to almost where it was before, so I'm happy about that.
Thankfully, one thing that helped alleviate all the above, AND helped me feel like I was making more of a healthy effort, was going on walks now that the weather is permitting. I walked about 2 hours last week over 3 trips and it was the one time I was feeling fairly good. Another highlight of April, because chocolate isn't a cheat (despite the chocolate overload) I didn't cheat at all on anything this month! My first full month of no cheats! :) That makes me very happy!
Oh, and I realized I forgot to add milk and chocolate milk to my list last time, I have not had milk to drink in 121 days and have not had chocolate milk to drink in 48 days. Although the only reason I cheated with chocolate milk (and forgot to record it in March) was because for some reason I wasn't able to swallow my medication with just water that week, only milk, so I figured if I'm going to cheat for necessity it's going to be chocolate milk :)
So yeah, a step back, a step forward. All I can say is I'm looking forward to ownership of my body back next month, because I'm off the meds. Maybe permanently, don't know yet. All I know is I need a break!
First the side effects from the medication were the worst ever. Usually they start right before and stop after ovulation but they kept going, no fading, just strong discomfort continuing day after day. It made me exhausted, hungry, emotionally hungry, uncomfortable, hot, cold, bloated, emotional, but mostly in pain. With Easter I know I fell off the wagon with chocolate quite a few days before these symptoms hit their worst, so I knew I had gained a pound or two back, but then I gained back 5 and my stomach was sticking out like I was 3 months pregnant (which I am NOT, so therefore DO NOT want to look like it). I had to wear loose clothes so as not to put any more pressure on my abdomen, but not so loose it looked like I was trying to hide a belly. Yuck. Some pretty tough, and not so healthy, days.
But, I went up for prayer after Church and the next day it was all mostly gone, just a slight bruised feeling from all that pain. I haven't yet dared step on the scale yet but the belly bloat is back to almost where it was before, so I'm happy about that.
Thankfully, one thing that helped alleviate all the above, AND helped me feel like I was making more of a healthy effort, was going on walks now that the weather is permitting. I walked about 2 hours last week over 3 trips and it was the one time I was feeling fairly good. Another highlight of April, because chocolate isn't a cheat (despite the chocolate overload) I didn't cheat at all on anything this month! My first full month of no cheats! :) That makes me very happy!
Oh, and I realized I forgot to add milk and chocolate milk to my list last time, I have not had milk to drink in 121 days and have not had chocolate milk to drink in 48 days. Although the only reason I cheated with chocolate milk (and forgot to record it in March) was because for some reason I wasn't able to swallow my medication with just water that week, only milk, so I figured if I'm going to cheat for necessity it's going to be chocolate milk :)
So yeah, a step back, a step forward. All I can say is I'm looking forward to ownership of my body back next month, because I'm off the meds. Maybe permanently, don't know yet. All I know is I need a break!
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
Wellness Wednesday
Just wanted to remind myself of some victories.
It has been at minimum 113 days since I have had:
coffee/cafe latte's
hot chocolate
cappuccino
frappachino
slur-pees
cookies
donuts
brownies
cupcakes
It has been 87 days without tea/tea latte's.
It has been 68 days without chips.
It has been 53 days without alcohol.
It has been 41 days without cake.
It has been 27 days without coke.
It may have gotten rougher but now it's getting easier again. :) Yeah!
Now if only I had forfeited chocolate for the month of April :/ Yikes!
It has been at minimum 113 days since I have had:
coffee/cafe latte's
hot chocolate
cappuccino
frappachino
slur-pees
cookies
donuts
brownies
cupcakes
It has been 87 days without tea/tea latte's.
It has been 68 days without chips.
It has been 53 days without alcohol.
It has been 41 days without cake.
It has been 27 days without coke.
It may have gotten rougher but now it's getting easier again. :) Yeah!
Now if only I had forfeited chocolate for the month of April :/ Yikes!
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
Wellness Wednesday
Well it's about time I did one of these again, on time! So I'm starting a few days early and posting today :)
Well, it has been 4 weeks since my last cheat, so 98 days down and only the 6 cheats. I'm pretty pleased with myself! Especially with how many have been flaunted under my nose lately. Donuts, cookies, cake, cupcakes, cinnamon rolls....and more than half the time it's for work and I have to order and arrange it!
I have sensed myself cracking though. Thinking about the temptations a lot. I have had to really proactively deal with this and reach out for accountability. When I selected my luxury foods to eliminate, I did realize a grey area that didn't fall into my 'allowed' but also not in my 'not allowed.' My caveat was that I wouldn't have those items (i.e. candy & popcorn) more often than I would have had if I wasn't removing luxury foods, which is probably only about 3 times a year, each. I have now had my 1/3 candy and 1/3 popcorn. :/
Another thing I have noted is that I am eating out more, and only half/half on the healthy choices, other half not so much. For both my wallet and waistline's sake, I intend to be cutting that out. Entitlement at missing desserts has crept in at work, and busyness has taken over supper hour, but I have a meal plan for the next 7 weeks, so I intend to do much better!
That being said, as of Sunday morning, I have lost another 2 lbs. So, if I pretend the 5 lbs I gained and lost between Dec.24th-28th didn't happen, I have otherwise lost 11 lbs since January, and 8 lbs since starting Shaklee vitamins (and coincidentally haven't worked out either) 6 weeks ago. And now that snow is almost off the sidewalks, and I get out for my regular walks again, I hope to see even more of that happening :)
Spring (if you can call it that) is off to a good start!
Well, it has been 4 weeks since my last cheat, so 98 days down and only the 6 cheats. I'm pretty pleased with myself! Especially with how many have been flaunted under my nose lately. Donuts, cookies, cake, cupcakes, cinnamon rolls....and more than half the time it's for work and I have to order and arrange it!
I have sensed myself cracking though. Thinking about the temptations a lot. I have had to really proactively deal with this and reach out for accountability. When I selected my luxury foods to eliminate, I did realize a grey area that didn't fall into my 'allowed' but also not in my 'not allowed.' My caveat was that I wouldn't have those items (i.e. candy & popcorn) more often than I would have had if I wasn't removing luxury foods, which is probably only about 3 times a year, each. I have now had my 1/3 candy and 1/3 popcorn. :/
Another thing I have noted is that I am eating out more, and only half/half on the healthy choices, other half not so much. For both my wallet and waistline's sake, I intend to be cutting that out. Entitlement at missing desserts has crept in at work, and busyness has taken over supper hour, but I have a meal plan for the next 7 weeks, so I intend to do much better!
That being said, as of Sunday morning, I have lost another 2 lbs. So, if I pretend the 5 lbs I gained and lost between Dec.24th-28th didn't happen, I have otherwise lost 11 lbs since January, and 8 lbs since starting Shaklee vitamins (and coincidentally haven't worked out either) 6 weeks ago. And now that snow is almost off the sidewalks, and I get out for my regular walks again, I hope to see even more of that happening :)
Spring (if you can call it that) is off to a good start!
Friday, March 21, 2014
Wellness Update
Well it's been a challenging few weeks, hence the lack of posts, particularly my wellness posts. Work has been changing my role, and an office move, have meant a lot of overtime
I am happy to report though :) in the midst of the last 2 weeks I have only minorly cheated once and it was on a very long day that I forgot to bring a lunch to work. There was a really tiny piece of cake left and I ate it :(
But, the 2nd hardest day, the very next day, was our move day AND our last Friday CR night. I was so exhausted and wanted coffee, but I didn't! And we had an appetizer/dessert potlock with a bunch of tempting fav desserts and I didn't cave! :) Although I had 2 helpings of the stuff I was allowed to have :/
I have still managed healthy meals despite the business AND I lost another 3 lbs, 6 in total!
I'm happy with that!
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Wellness Wednesday
Happy belated wellness Wednesday :) For consistency I figured I'd post but not a lot of new healthy news. Although we celebrated our anniversary last weekend and I allowed myself one cheat, a bottle of wine. Dessert I still stuck to my guns and had chocolate with fruit! And it was delicious, Sean kept 'stealing' small bites :) Here's a glimpse into my delicious, healthy, yumminess.
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Wellness Wednesday
Week 7 and still no more cheats! :) My veggie intake is growing! My activity has slowed down, I just don't have enough time in this season of life.
However I am super excited about my new vitamins and going back to protein shakes for breakfast, I even got Sean on board! There is far too much info I'd like to share though so I'll save all that for another post :)
Oh, and I've lost another 2.5 lbs! Yay!
Thursday, February 20, 2014
Delivered
As many of you know, I have struggled with a myriad of body image, food, activity, and self-worth issues. Most of you also know about my infertility issues. And in May of this year, you may have received an email from me disclosing how I felt they were intertwined and I was looking for deliverance on the issue.
I mentioned in that email a long history of this intertwining between my body image and child bearing. In applying the 12 step recovery model to my food overuse/abuse, I began to see just how far back. Like at the age of eleven when my dad said I looked like my aunt. Now, with 25 years of hindsight, I realize he would not have meant this as an insult, this was his sister he loved he was comparing me too. However. I was bordering on puberty, body issues already beginning to arise, and my aunt was self-proclaimed 'fat and ugly' and also single and without children. So that's the beginning of when the fear took hold, that was the total package I was destined for.
Yet, once I was able to 'catch' myself a husband ;) I had no doubt we would have children. It was just the way it was supposed to be. I'd always wanted to be a mother. When that wasn't happening we went to the Winnipeg Heartland Fertility Clinic in 2008, and the doctor tells me all my tests are fine, found no probable cause, 'it's probably your weight'. This was a huge blow to my denial that I wasn't that overweight. I felt a little better when he told my much slimmer sister the same thing (turns out we both have VERY different issues), but here was a confirmation of that condescending voice in my head, 'you've done it to yourself, your fat, now you can't have kids.'
That started an 8 year long quest to find out what God wanted from me in order to be able to have children, if my weight played a part, or if I would have children at all. At a Women's retreat in Spring 2012 we were being spoken to about Jesus' Shepard heart, and about spending time with him in the space of his heart and ours. If I recall there was some self-worth talk as well. On the last day, during a quiet time I took the opportunity for some listening prayer time, a heart to heart with Jesus. Of course I inevitably asked about motherhood, and an image of me being able to go to the beach in a bikini entered my mind, and immediately my mind covered up that image because I began to see my body like I thought instead of what I wished. Then God ripped off the towel I was hiding behind, and the bikini! He told my body was not meant to be a bikini body, it was meant to be a healthy body, and how He loves me even naked. All that from a question about motherhood :/ hmmmm.
But the quest for what wellness and a healthy body really meant was not over, not by a long shot. It was September 2012 I started applying the 12 step model to the process and dug up a lot of bad habits I just couldn't seem to release. I wrote in my journal just days before my miscarriage in January 2013 that I was getting weighed down by the inability to see myself as beautiful or attractive, still! I even reached out to my small group for prayer and I was given a Word, to write in my journal to myself from God - and when I did He said my body is just the way it should be right now, but more importantly my heart was His trophy. If my body was an art gallery my heart would be the highlighted central show piece. A message I needed to hear, but didn't have time to sink in before I was distracted by grief.
I hit my lowest self-worth pit when I saw pictures from our 10th anniversary. Pictures of my body specifically, threw me into a tail spin of self hatred. It was also exactly a year since we'd started trying again, and I was so disheartened. I had sensed for a year already that care and value for my body were tied to child-bearing and so I punished myself for not have taken that more seriously. I almost loathed myself, but 3 amazing friends came along side me and spoke truth over my self-image and gave me many gifts of words through songs and poems. I knew they were a gift from God, truths from God. They helped but the detesting of my body did not stop.
Then one night at CR in May, our new Ministry Pastor (who was 'just' Pastor at the time) came and did a guest speaking spot. He talked about what grace/salvation really means. Salvation in Greek is Sozo, which has a few meanings, but not separate meanings, they are to be a package deal - salvation, healing, deliverance. Deliverance is the one God threw on the light-bulb for. I searched for answers about my body image, God's truth about my health, and then our Pastor ended by playing a song. A song that was played by a friend the day after our miscarriage, about being 'in His hands'. Yikes!
I talked to our pastor after and asked him, if I felt I was needing the deliverance component, what does that look like? He talked to me about strongholds we have been unable to see ourselves, and needing others around us to pray truth into our struggles, to pray deliverance from certain strongholds that are too rooted in us. Strongholds represent an area where the enemy has had time to get fortified and well dug in. He gave me this verse. "If you are having trouble overcoming a temptation or addiction, it's not that your prayers are not effective; the problem is that the enemy has managed to get dug in. In these kinds of cases, it not only takes prayer, but it also takes fasting along with prayer to dig the enemy out."Matthew 17:14-21
I then searched for more information on Biblical deliverance and continually came across prayer and fasting. Some bondage's you can only be free of with prayer and fasting. "Fasting and prayer breaks the stronghold grip of satan and digs him out, allowing you to get the strength and victory to overcome him." Isaiah 58:6
In sharing my desire for deliverance with a friend, she also happened to offer Matthew 17's insight, and she encouraged me to commit to a regular time of prayer and fasting, and offered to join me! That inspired me and that's when I reached out for help in prayer and fasting, many of you joined me, for which I'm grateful.
I mentioned in that email a long history of this intertwining between my body image and child bearing. In applying the 12 step recovery model to my food overuse/abuse, I began to see just how far back. Like at the age of eleven when my dad said I looked like my aunt. Now, with 25 years of hindsight, I realize he would not have meant this as an insult, this was his sister he loved he was comparing me too. However. I was bordering on puberty, body issues already beginning to arise, and my aunt was self-proclaimed 'fat and ugly' and also single and without children. So that's the beginning of when the fear took hold, that was the total package I was destined for.
Yet, once I was able to 'catch' myself a husband ;) I had no doubt we would have children. It was just the way it was supposed to be. I'd always wanted to be a mother. When that wasn't happening we went to the Winnipeg Heartland Fertility Clinic in 2008, and the doctor tells me all my tests are fine, found no probable cause, 'it's probably your weight'. This was a huge blow to my denial that I wasn't that overweight. I felt a little better when he told my much slimmer sister the same thing (turns out we both have VERY different issues), but here was a confirmation of that condescending voice in my head, 'you've done it to yourself, your fat, now you can't have kids.'
That started an 8 year long quest to find out what God wanted from me in order to be able to have children, if my weight played a part, or if I would have children at all. At a Women's retreat in Spring 2012 we were being spoken to about Jesus' Shepard heart, and about spending time with him in the space of his heart and ours. If I recall there was some self-worth talk as well. On the last day, during a quiet time I took the opportunity for some listening prayer time, a heart to heart with Jesus. Of course I inevitably asked about motherhood, and an image of me being able to go to the beach in a bikini entered my mind, and immediately my mind covered up that image because I began to see my body like I thought instead of what I wished. Then God ripped off the towel I was hiding behind, and the bikini! He told my body was not meant to be a bikini body, it was meant to be a healthy body, and how He loves me even naked. All that from a question about motherhood :/ hmmmm.
But the quest for what wellness and a healthy body really meant was not over, not by a long shot. It was September 2012 I started applying the 12 step model to the process and dug up a lot of bad habits I just couldn't seem to release. I wrote in my journal just days before my miscarriage in January 2013 that I was getting weighed down by the inability to see myself as beautiful or attractive, still! I even reached out to my small group for prayer and I was given a Word, to write in my journal to myself from God - and when I did He said my body is just the way it should be right now, but more importantly my heart was His trophy. If my body was an art gallery my heart would be the highlighted central show piece. A message I needed to hear, but didn't have time to sink in before I was distracted by grief.
I hit my lowest self-worth pit when I saw pictures from our 10th anniversary. Pictures of my body specifically, threw me into a tail spin of self hatred. It was also exactly a year since we'd started trying again, and I was so disheartened. I had sensed for a year already that care and value for my body were tied to child-bearing and so I punished myself for not have taken that more seriously. I almost loathed myself, but 3 amazing friends came along side me and spoke truth over my self-image and gave me many gifts of words through songs and poems. I knew they were a gift from God, truths from God. They helped but the detesting of my body did not stop.
Then one night at CR in May, our new Ministry Pastor (who was 'just' Pastor at the time) came and did a guest speaking spot. He talked about what grace/salvation really means. Salvation in Greek is Sozo, which has a few meanings, but not separate meanings, they are to be a package deal - salvation, healing, deliverance. Deliverance is the one God threw on the light-bulb for. I searched for answers about my body image, God's truth about my health, and then our Pastor ended by playing a song. A song that was played by a friend the day after our miscarriage, about being 'in His hands'. Yikes!
I talked to our pastor after and asked him, if I felt I was needing the deliverance component, what does that look like? He talked to me about strongholds we have been unable to see ourselves, and needing others around us to pray truth into our struggles, to pray deliverance from certain strongholds that are too rooted in us. Strongholds represent an area where the enemy has had time to get fortified and well dug in. He gave me this verse. "If you are having trouble overcoming a temptation or addiction, it's not that your prayers are not effective; the problem is that the enemy has managed to get dug in. In these kinds of cases, it not only takes prayer, but it also takes fasting along with prayer to dig the enemy out."Matthew 17:14-21
I then searched for more information on Biblical deliverance and continually came across prayer and fasting. Some bondage's you can only be free of with prayer and fasting. "Fasting and prayer breaks the stronghold grip of satan and digs him out, allowing you to get the strength and victory to overcome him." Isaiah 58:6
In sharing my desire for deliverance with a friend, she also happened to offer Matthew 17's insight, and she encouraged me to commit to a regular time of prayer and fasting, and offered to join me! That inspired me and that's when I reached out for help in prayer and fasting, many of you joined me, for which I'm grateful.
I didn't seem to get any direct answers to those prayers, but I received a 'round about' answer. I began pursuing more of God's truth about how he sees me, inspired by something some friends had shared, and during a heart to heart with Jesus, I was given the image of him painting me out of his heart, and it began to free me from a lot of my self-image hatred, I began to see my body was beautiful about that same time. From just after my January miscarriage to mid-Spring I had inclinations my latest tattoo design was intertwined with having a baby, but I didn't connect the dots, only after my tattoo did I realize it represented that vision I had from God about how he painted/created me and my heart to be a masterpiece work of art, so my tattoo was intertwined with my self-image AND my future children.
It was at that moment, seeing the tattoo in that light, that I felt the death blow to my low self-worth. There has been a lifetime of deliverance that happened in 2013. And I waited for the pregnancy. And here I am, almost 6 months later with no pregnancy. However, I am beginning to have inklings as to why God felt it so important to change my perception of beauty BEFORE I have children. They have something to do with the beauty of my child. He's telling me my definition of beauty will change even more once I have this child. I have long had the gift of seeing others through His eyes, so I know this is something significant, this child will be special. I don't know yet in what way. But I know my deliverance was important to her/his life.
And so with one delivery, I patiently await the next.
It was at that moment, seeing the tattoo in that light, that I felt the death blow to my low self-worth. There has been a lifetime of deliverance that happened in 2013. And I waited for the pregnancy. And here I am, almost 6 months later with no pregnancy. However, I am beginning to have inklings as to why God felt it so important to change my perception of beauty BEFORE I have children. They have something to do with the beauty of my child. He's telling me my definition of beauty will change even more once I have this child. I have long had the gift of seeing others through His eyes, so I know this is something significant, this child will be special. I don't know yet in what way. But I know my deliverance was important to her/his life.
And so with one delivery, I patiently await the next.
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Wellness Wednesday
Well, to be honest, this week's meals were healthy versions of my fav restaurant dishes. I'm still on track calorie wise and no cheats though.
I have also been lacking in activity motivation.
I'm hoping both have been because I've been sick and tired and busy. I feel better already and next week is quite a bit quieter. I hope to get in a swim to change up the routine too!
I have also been lacking in activity motivation.
I'm hoping both have been because I've been sick and tired and busy. I feel better already and next week is quite a bit quieter. I hope to get in a swim to change up the routine too!
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Wellness Wednesday
Week 6 and loving all kinds of good, healthy food. All except one cheat.
A few weeks in a row I planned to splurge a little on pizza yet kept getting denied so I finished my stale bag of ketchup chips from December instead. At least they are gone now and I won't be facing them the next time I'm craving tomatoey carbs!
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
Wellness Wednesday
Another successful week under my belt. January was easier than I thought, first month back on track and I hit 80% of my workout goals, only had one water cheat and one chip cheat, no dessert cheats! I'm back to my September weight and have SO much energy. Feelin' great!
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Wellness Wednesday
Another great week, although blizzard and sinus conditions did conspire to make me cheat....with a chai latte. A minor cheat but cheat none the less.
I'm still having fun coming up with new healthy dishes though!
And activity this week included shovelling ice chunks off our driveway :/
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