Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Out with the Old 2014

1 job lost
2 new mentors
1 new Etsy shop
11 years married
1 month in 1 sweater
6 years at Riverwood
2 counselling students
6 weeks teal hair streak
1 epic wedding weekend
3 road trips in 4 months
1 new ministry, 2 new roles
1 cancer fighting fundraiser
12 months luxury food forfeit
4 long distance friends visited
4 last months of fertility treatment


Thursday, December 25, 2014

His Kind of Love

Have you ever had a goal that would require a lot of hard work, mistakes, failures, cost significant money, and yet wanted it enough to go after it anyway?

The majority of people have I would say.

Those who go off to college/university to get a degree.
Those who choose to commit a lifetime to a spouse in marriage.
Those who choose to have children.

I think there are generally two groups of people when it comes to these kinds of goals.

Some people do not count the cost before beginning.
Some count the cost unrealistically.
Some change their mind about the cost being worth it.
They tend to give up on their goals.

Some take commitment seriously, no matter the costs that pile up.
Some want it badly enough, it is their top priority.
Some know that the end result being worth it depends on what you put into it.
They tend to pursue goals relentlessly.

What if you knew in advance though that you would have only 50% success rate? 25% success rate? That you gave up everything else to pursue something that ultimately in the end did not seem worth the cost.
You barely pass school to get a degree by the skin of your teeth.
Out of 55 years of marriage only 15 were good.
2 out of 3 children decide to reject you and your family and become estranged.

Many people, knowing this in advance, would at least think twice.
I dare say, most would change their mind and decide not to pursue those goals.
Even some of those second group, the most purposeful of people, would change their mind.

And those that were dedicated enough to move forward anyway, could in the heat of their battle, under duress and pain, lose hope. They could doubt. They could want to give up. They could cry out to God and say, 'please, I ask you to spare me, because I don't think I can do this anymore!'

Did you know God counted the cost?

God and Jesus formed a plan, they knew would be tremendously hard work.
They knew there was going to be the highest price to be paid.
They knew the plan would seem like a bunch of mistakes ending in failure.
But they knew their mission required no less than this sacrifice, and that it would be worth it.
They knew it was the only way to save EVERY human.
They knew not every human would accept that gift.
The 'success rate' would be low.
Even knowing that in advance they went for it.

Jesus gave up everything.
From the most perfect existence imaginable to the most defenseless existence.
Jesus gave up everything to pursue something that by the world's standards would not be worth it.
And once He was human, even He had doubts.
Under the duress and pain, His human spirit suffered, hope waned.
He cried out to God, 'My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me.'
But He also said something that most humans would not, facing such great loss.
'Yet not as I will, but as you will.'

He counted the cost. 
Because you are worth it.
Even if everyone else but you, in the entire history of humanity, did not accept this gift.
He would still find you worth it all.

Monday, December 22, 2014

All I Wanna Be Is Done

The last four Novembers my posts have looked a lot like this.

I'm am so over this year.

I want next year now please.

Maybe next year will be better.

Early November, I thought this year would be no different.

  • A job I was fed up with.
  • The infertility support group flopped.
  • Stopped all conception aids.
  • Christian community shrinking.
  • Best friend moved away.
  • Friend diagnosed with cancer.

There were of course some great moments too:
  • Starting running again.
  • Starting school again.
  • Deeper marital connection and happiness.
  • The chance to lead an infertility support group.
  • 3 fantastic vacation road trips.
  • Maid of Honor for my bestie.
  • Friend now cancer free.
  • Starting painting again.
  • Many meaningful connections with family & friends.
  • A potential new ministry God is calling me to.

As full of gratitude for those lovely cherished moments as I was, by first week of November I I already said a few posts the end of my rope with my job and with waiting. I felt like I was waiting for everything. I'd been feeling this way last year this time too.

Then, as you know, I was laid off mid-November.
In a way it was just a small change. I still have to wait for employment that God is leading me towards, but at least I wasn't waiting in misery and now I'm waiting in freedom!
In a way it was a huge change. My gratitude for God, blessing me in the way He did, ballooned and gratitude is definitely an antidote for attitude. My patience was renewed for other things I'm waiting for.

That was 5+ weeks ago. I've been happy and grateful and patient through that entire time, looking forward to the holidays and in no rush to be rid of 2014 nor begging for that 'clean slate.'

Until Friday.

In a way it was just a small thing. It was a month I didn't expect to get pregnant anyway. I was sufficiently distracted during the time I expected to get that news.
Then suddenly it became a huge thing. I won't go into details but suffice it to say I feel like my body is toying with me. I went through the emotional rollercoaster of believing I was pregnant and then not pregnant 3 times in 8 days. With each time the hope just grew and grew and grew.

Because it's Christmas, and like a few other annual celebrations, it is a reminder there is still just two of us in our family picture.

Because it's 13 days away from our nine year anniversary of chasing this dream.

Because this is the year we finally stopped help God....with conception.

Because 2014 was supposed to be the year, and it wasn't only I who heard it this time.

I'm at the point I just don't know anymore.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know how to feel.

By now I know 2015 will not magically make me 'all better'. But I'm still done with 2014.
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