Another Transition

Since I can't remember who I have told and what I have posted I'll just write from the assumption I've left you all in the dark :)

A little over a year ago my best friend made the statement 'you should be a marriage couselor.' This was after about  6 weeks of relationship advice but it also resonated deeply in me from over a decade ago. About 15 years of God giving me a burden to help marriages. Sean at this time was winding down his first year of school to become a counselor and I had become very interested in what he was learning. 

I had an ah-ha moment.

I went to God with this passion burning a hole in my pocket but felt I was supposed to wait a year. In the mean time things started changing in our recovery ministry and 7 months ago several possibities became an option for me there, facilitating groups to help finances,  marriages and infertile women.  I realized as a marriage counselor I could touch on all these! I felt very confirmed.

Then about 2 months ago, in the midst of feelings of purposelessness and depression I felt whispers about school again.

Well I wanted to sign up that minute but courses for next term were not posted until mid - June. Then they changed the requirements to enter even the part-time courses,  I need to have volunteered in a social services type setting for minimum 100 hrs. Well my recovery service was applicable but I had to quickly fit that verification in before our vacation. Then when we came back I found I had to go in person to do a name change since I hadn't been a student there since before marriage.  It took awhile to finally get down there,  then I had to wait for my application to be approved, then another day to get my verification in the mail. 

Yesterday it came! It is now official!

For such a time as this

I have been keenly aware the last several years at sensing when God is causing shifting in my life, I have blogged about it now and then. The first one I felt was in 2010, leading me to serve in my Church in a new way, which eventually led me to 3 new best friends and a recovery journey.

I strongly sensed 9 months ago that God was doing some Spring cleaning in my life for a purpose, and even 10 months before that I was getting the 'spidey' sense tingle. I rarely know the purpose, I've called it a 'winds of change' because it's nothing more tangible than wind, and yet it's more than just wind, it's His breathe. Breathing life into me where I didn't know I was lacking.

Once the change has happened, I see in hindsight where God was leading me, leading me long before I got that tingling. This time is no different. Now that I see the changes unfolding, I can see God's hand orchestrating this over my entire lifetime!  Yes it ties into the shifts I've seen in the last 19 months, but also the shift 4 years ago, and the journey of self-image deliverance, and the journey of infertility & miscarriages, and the journey of stewardship over my finances, and my heart for marriage.  Many of those journeys started in childhood.

For such a time as this.

But before I get to the now, I'll backtrack a little, as I haven't shared a lot about my heart for marriage here. I can't actually recall when this passion flared up in me, a heart to see wholeness in marriage.  I just remember about 15-18 years ago, I was full of dreams and schemes for entrepreneurship (just like my dad), and I dreamed of this marriage retreat that would offer not just a retreat for couples, but resources, and support, and counselling, all in one. Then, just a few months after marriage, Sean and I were invited by our Pastor to join a marriage seminar he was running for a few weeks in the community, to be other Christian contacts for the participants to get to know other than just the Pastor and his wife. That seminar was awesome, I still use things I learned back then, what a great foundation for marriage, but I thought to myself, why did no one offer some of this before we were married? And I began to see a need for better pre-marital relationship help as well.

But then, all was quiet on that front. For years.

Then God started stirring something old in me. He placed my bestie in my life who came to me for advice a lot and I loved that God used my past to shed light on her present and future, as a woman dating with marriage in mind. Combined with hearing about what Sean was learning in his Counselling courses, a seed was planted. I wanted to become a marriage counselor! I wanted to do what I was doing for my friend every day! And I wanted to help couples who were struggling with finances like I did in a previous relationship - and with all I'd learned especially in the Financial Peace course I took, and how much it helped us. And I wanted to help couples dealing with infertility, and counselling through the grief of miscarriage! I was overwhelmed with this desire. But God said wait. He asked me not to start school until at least September 2014. I was ready to sign up for September 2013! I was obedient but started to sadly believe that it would be 5-10 years (depending on Sean's education track, I also promised him his would stay priority) before I would ever get to be in the purpose I felt God was leading me towards! I was a little disheartened to say the least.

So, back to now.

My first glimpse into understanding this change was January 22nd, and believe me, even with just an inkling I knew THIS is what God had been leading me towards for a long, long time. But, as hard as it was to contain, I couldn't say anything until now because it involves the Recovery ministry at our Church and we wanted to be fair to all our participants and leaders about the evolution of this ministry. It has taken us a few weeks to communicate and plan and get feedback and we finally have something in place so I can finally share!!!!! :)

During an evaluation started in fall, partly with our Director leaving and partly because the Church finally felt they needed to be more supportive and involved in a ministry of healing, we realized that the Celebrate Recovery banner just didn't fit our Church, to place all healing under this model wasn't working effectively and it was limiting. So while we are going to keep some strong foundational pieces, we are going to let go of the name, we are going to become more inclusive  by broadening the number of struggles we offer support for specifically. New groups will be offered that won't require a commitment of every week for a whole year, which started to weigh on me over the last year, because I didn't feel I could do that when our children come :)

The most exciting part for me came when our Ministry Pastor laid out just a few of the support groups he would like to offer. Miscarriages. Struggling Marriages. Financial recovery. Inside my head, my jaw dropped. The joy inside me bubbled up I could hardly contain myself. And other ideas I had for groups over the years that just wouldn't have fit in the CR model started flowing through my brain. An Infertility group. A Self-Image circle. A creative healing (through arts) group. It doesn't mean all of them will happen, but I just am over the moon because the sky is the limits!

I just know that somehow our children tie into this purpose yet too. Nothing concrete, simply more winds whispering. Oh, how I love the winds of change! But more than I love sailing on those winds, I love my Anchor.  I love knowing THIS was the good God was working out of every pain and passion in my life. This was what the Potter is doing with the clay. I followed His promises, followed every rainbow, and I found my dream.

Hope-Full

My hope has been under attack.

For many years, but especially the last four months.

Steady, constant, overwhelming attack.

At times so strong I’ve almost said, ‘I give up.’

Most days so strong I can’t ask God for anything anymore. 

I realized what an anchor God was for me exactly a year ago today, and again in early October.  Anchor was my word of the year it seems, I kept hearing it everywhere. When I asked God to show me my anchors, and he showed me I was born with 3, and they were natural gifts he gave me strength in since birth, they were faith, love, and ….

Hope.

Satan started out my life by attacking my gift of love. He twisted it and manipulated it into codependency until I was 22.

Then satan started to attack my hope in 2007.  My hope for a future. And I spent the next 3 years trying to strong arm that hope through control by any means necessary.

I realized this year for the first time that the areas we are weakest in are often our gifts under attack. Because our gifts are from God, by His design, for His purpose, for His glory, so of course that is the bull’s-eye mark for satan.

And yet, it took me four months to understand that my hope was actually under attack, not just me, but specifically my hope. It hasn’t been this bad since 2010. And with so many confirmations from God in the last 23 months, more than ever in the entire 8 years we’ve been trying, this is when I should have had SO much hope. 

I’ve had my moments. My balloon moments.  But my hope hasn’t been fully in God. Yes I believe His promises, but it’s much easier to believe in vague promises for the future than it is to hear Him say, for example, ‘January’ and then to lose the baby.  But that kind of hope has been sustained by MY strength, putting bubble wrap around sharp objects so it doesn’t deflate my balloon.  A kind friend pointed out God wants to be my hope and strength. 

That A-Ha moment this morning led me to realize just how persistent satan has been in trying to deflate my hope for the last 120 days.  I knew I hit the nail on the head when immediately after my devotional emailed me this morning, and it was the exact verse I ended my Bible reading with last night.

1 Peter 5:8-10 – “Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour. Stand firm against him, and be strong in your faith…..he (God) will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation.”

This exact verse was actually read as part of a devotional at a Celebrate Recovery leader’s meeting last September, right before our director started taking steps away from CR, and right before my miscarriage.  I thought it had to do with the former, not the latter.

So, now I know. My hope is under attack. My life long buoyant hope has been grounded in my faith, they are intrinsically tied, attack my hope and my faith will suffer. And it has. It will no longer. But I wonder if that is all there is to it. I wonder if this ever increasing attack on my hope is to get me stop trying for a baby. It worked in 2010. And so I ponder the magnitude of the impact my child may have on God’s kingdom one day if satan is so determined to get me to give up. 

I can hope!

Happy Mother's Day

I haven't been shy in the last few month of sharing some prophetic words given to me about children. I was before January, but I learned just because I may not have understood the revelation 100% didn't make it any less real or true, and I am no longer concerned with what other people think if it doesn't happen like 'it was supposed to'.

Prophetic words/visions are quite a new experience for me. Before I met my husband, I didn't think that happened since Revelation. He was the only one I had ever met who 'knew' things before they happened. Then I heard a little more about it in our Church circles, but I thought they were a spiritual gift that only certain people could get, only Prophets could get. Ever since I've learned about listening prayer though, God has been proving that is not the case over and over again for me in the last 2 years. It's still pretty unfamiliar territory though in my family.


So, anyway, on Friday my mom took me out for lunch while she was in Winnipeg for appointments, we get to do this 1-2 a year and it's a nice time just the two of us to talk. She's been reading my blog faithfully since I began it (Hi mom!) and has read about the rainbow promises through my friend. She decided, that since I'm open to hearing about words/visions from God she would share the one she had for me. Since this is a new experience for her, she wasn't sure she should share, she asked for advice from other prayer warriors who advised she would know when and if to tell me. She took my blog about my latest promise as a sign to share.

My mom was praying in March for a couple who was finally pregnant after nine years, some complications with getting sick in the 8th month. These prayers didn't include/touch on my situation at all. Anyway, as she was praying for this couple she heard 'Your daughter next year.' And she knew this was meant for me about having a child.

A timely gift from my mom, and God, just days before Mother's Day, one of the hardest days of the year for me. I know God is making it very hard to be doubtful, as this is at least the 4th time someone has said God has told them I will one day have children in the last 3 months. Before mom's words, I had enough faith renewed I could have waited a few more years. Now I'm pretty sure I won't have to!

Follow Every Rainbow

So today was the 2nd Sound of Music production I've seen with my family in 6.5 weeks. We love Sound of Music.  It's a Christmas movie tradition since as long as I can remember. In each production we know exactly when they go off script (as each theater group tends to do to make it their own). In each production we're tempted to sing along, knowing each song by heart.

But I was struck by the words of one song in a way I had never before. Seriously, I've had this movie memorized for about 30 years. Maybe it's because it's my least favorite song in the movie.  But as they sang these lines today, I was in awe:

"Follow every rainbow,
Till you find your dream A dream that will need
All the love you can give,
Every day of your life,
For as long as you live."

I felt God telling me to keep following the rainbow and I would find my dream.

A rainbow, His symbol of promise. A symbol I have latched on to a significant portion of my life, it wasn't just Bible history, I knew it meant promises for me personally. Although, before this year, I had never attached it to any specific promise from God, it was just a beautiful masterpiece of nature I had always adored because I love colour and that work of art encompassing all colours has always just been meaningful and uplifting to me. It always helped me see there would be better days ahead. It always brings me peace and a smile.

But this time, a rainbow was very specific. This is my story of my rainbow promise. 

Now I ended that post with re-inflated hope. Almost 2 months have passed since and the air has been leaking out slowly. Not hope lost. But hope waned. Those winds of hope had died down and my heart was gently drifting back to earth. Back to my reality. Hearing those lyrics though. It was like I was hearing them for the first time. And a huge gust of wind blew through me again, my heart swelled!

Then.
My same friend who saw the sundogs texted me last night. I had just shared last week in our small group that I'm so unsure of what to hope for. That maybe this promise of children had been misinterpreted. I wasn't doubting the message but what I had determined it to be. So she texted me last night to tell me, God confirmed with her that I will have a baby, it shall come to pass (she hears 'in scripture' frequently). What timing!!

And so, I will continue to follow my rainbow in hope. I will follow it until I have a dream that will need all the love I can give, for as long as I live.