My hope has been under attack.
For many years, but especially the last four months.
Steady, constant, overwhelming attack.
At times so strong I’ve almost said, ‘I give up.’
Most days so strong I can’t ask God for anything anymore.
I realized what an anchor God was for me exactly a year ago today, and again in early October. Anchor was my word of the year it seems, I kept hearing it everywhere. When I asked God to show me my anchors, and he showed me I was born with 3, and they were natural gifts he gave me strength in since birth, they were faith, love, and ….
Satan started out my life by attacking my gift of love. He twisted it and manipulated it into codependency until I was 22.
Then satan started to attack my hope in 2007. My hope for a future. And I spent the next 3 years trying to strong arm that hope through control by any means necessary.
I realized this year for the first time that the areas we are weakest in are often our gifts under attack. Because our gifts are from God, by His design, for His purpose, for His glory, so of course that is the bull’s-eye mark for satan.
And yet, it took me four months to understand that my hope was actually under attack, not just me, but specifically my hope. It hasn’t been this bad since 2010. And with so many confirmations from God in the last 23 months, more than ever in the entire 8 years we’ve been trying, this is when I should have had SO much hope.
I’ve had my moments. My balloon moments. But my hope hasn’t been fully in God. Yes I believe His promises, but it’s much easier to believe in vague promises for the future than it is to hear Him say, for example, ‘January’ and then to lose the baby. But that kind of hope has been sustained by MY strength, putting bubble wrap around sharp objects so it doesn’t deflate my balloon. A kind friend pointed out God wants to be my hope and strength.
That A-Ha moment this morning led me to realize just how persistent satan has been in trying to deflate my hope for the last 120 days. I knew I hit the nail on the head when immediately after my devotional emailed me this morning, and it was the exact verse I ended my Bible reading with last night.
1 Peter 5:8-10 – “Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour. Stand firm against him, and be strong in your faith…..he (God) will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation.”
This exact verse was actually read as part of a devotional at a Celebrate Recovery leader’s meeting last September, right before our director started taking steps away from CR, and right before my miscarriage. I thought it had to do with the former, not the latter.
So, now I know. My hope is under attack. My life long buoyant hope has been grounded in my faith, they are intrinsically tied, attack my hope and my faith will suffer. And it has. It will no longer. But I wonder if that is all there is to it. I wonder if this ever increasing attack on my hope is to get me stop trying for a baby. It worked in 2010. And so I ponder the magnitude of the impact my child may have on God’s kingdom one day if satan is so determined to get me to give up.
I can hope!