Grace Recognized

A few thoughts on what it looks like to truly recognize and embrace the gift of God's grace we've been given.

Joy - It is not joy that makes us grateful, it is gratefulness that brings us joy. Gratefulness for God's grace, sacrifice, mercy, love brings us a joy that surpasses happiness. It's trusting God enough to find ways to rejoice in all circumstances, rejoice because we see how He always takes care of us, and because we are so grateful for all we've already been given.

Love - God loved us first, before we transformed due to His love and grace. And God actually loves our frailty, vulnerability, and imperfection, and He extends this love and grace to every human, and so in recognizing we've only received love due to God's grace for all humans, we should demonstrate His kind of love to everyone, imperfections and all.

Hope - When we recognize God's unconditional and unchanging love for us, shown through His generous gift of grace, we can trust that He will always love us by providing for us, whatever we need. Recognizing this and allowing it to help us unconditionally trust Him gives us a hopeful outlook for our future, on earth and in heaven.

Just a few things that have increased in my life as my ability to see God's grace has increased.

Nothing is Insignificant

Hey! Long time no 'see'!  I have been super busy living life and haven't had a lot of time to squeeze out for things like being here in blogger-ville. A LOT has happened since July so I figure I'm about due for an update :)  Today I'll stick to, mostly, the career updates.

I have been at my new job 5 months now and it's going great. I really enjoy our mission, my co-workers, my hours ;) It's been perfect for me and where I am at in life right now.  I love that God placed on my heart to be completely open here, open about my vision for my future as a Counselor, open about my work/life balance priorities, but most of all, completely open about my faith.  I eventually became fairly open about it at my last job but then again, not with everyone, just certain people. Here I am not watering-down anything, and it's a great feeling. I have a co-worker who is definitely a spiritual seeker and she loves conversations about spiritual things so I have this opportunity with her I have never had before. God has given us hours together in the oddest of circumstances, where we've just been able to talk so freely, and I feel blessed to be part of what I sense God trying to show her.  She actually said the other day, "Have you ever felt someone was brought into your life for a reason? That's how I feel about you working here."  I am certainly feeling the same way!

As for the future career I'm working on, in Spring, as part of my obligation to Employment Insurance, I attended a Career Symposium where I went to two professionals speaking on their careers, one Psychologist and one Life Coach, somewhat bookends to the spectrum of my career possibilities. I found I was actually much more inspired and motivated to seek after what the Life Coach described than the Psychologist! And, right at that moment my school was announcing the end of my Counselling program and it was uncertain whether or not my group of classmates would have the opportunity to finish, and so with that in mind I was looking towards other potential options, none of which looked like they would bring me to a Counselling position anywhere near soon. I had already been disheartened it would take almost another 3 years at least to graduate THIS program! So I looked into Life Coach certification and ended up deciding to go for it! Even if I managed to stay in these classes and graduate no later than 2018 as planned, I thought it would add nicely to my education and experience, and with being able to have my coaching certification completed in September, I could immediately start seeing and helping clients! What timing that this opportunity was shown to me right then!

As the certification weekend in mid-September approached, I actually grew nervous about this decision, wondering if I had taken God's plans into my own hands. I was beginning to feel that cringe in my tuning fork because of expectations I placed on myself, based on my research into how Coaches make a significant portion of their earnings. I was beginning to wonder if I had wasted time and money, this was the uneasiest I had felt about any decision since a year earlier. Actually, just about exactly a year before, that's when my full blown anxiety about staying at my job was kicking in!

And right at that time, September 2014, God started playing a few songs excessively on the radio just for me....I am certain of this because I was hearing 3-4 songs, 2-3 times per day, every work day, in the only 40 minutes of radio time I had per day...no one else was hearing them that much! I wrote about this one song a year ago at my layoff time, The other songs I were hearing had similar messages, "no more counting dollars, I'll be counting stars", "we are stars, we are built for loving", "you're a sky full of stars, such a heavenly view." I knew at that time I wanted to stop chasing the pay cheque I was getting, I was willing to take a risk and do what I was built for, and I am built for loving, nurturing.  I could never quite figure out how stars fit in other than God had been talking to me about being His diamond, one aspect of that being 'like a diamond in the sky.' And the Coldplay song "A Sky Full of Stars" seemed to play the most of all the songs, and it began to feel like God was singing it to me personally.  And at really significant moments in my life over the next 4-5 months. The songs slowed down a little after I was laid off, and I pretty much stopped hearing all of them all together by Spring 2015. But they had given me hope the 2 months I waited to be able to leave my job, and it helped me feel like God was doing something in it all, whether I knew what that was or not. They became comfort songs.

So, back to September 2015. By the time I walked through the door of my classroom to get my coaching certification, I was managing my expectations of what I would get out of this. My thoughts were, I will probably get a few useful tools, re-affirm what I'm learning in counselling, and get a piece of paper that will help my credibility in whatever steps I take after that weekend. I got there early, like I always do, and the instructor was still preparing but welcomed me in. As I sat down and settled in, I heard that he was playing a CD, not sure if it was for himself or us, but it was the newest Coldplay CD and the next song that came on was "A Sky Full of Stars!" I still get choked up thinking about it! The realization that God was still there with me in this step, that it wasn't as far off course as I thought, and in fact this confirmed for me I was RIGHT ON course. He had been pursuing me with hope for my future with this song for exactly a year and He brought me to the place He had in mind for me all along. I learned that weekend nothing is insignificant.

Not only that, but I had two other Ah-Ha moments that weekend. The first was when we were in groups practicing using the tools, I selected a fairly tame goal for myself, losing weight, but of course these tools help you uncover obstacles we create for ourselves and my self-sabotage in this area came to light. Suddenly the woman coaching me stopped and said, "This is off script, but why does your weight effect your happiness so much? I've only met you a few hours ago, talked with you for only an hour, and you are one of the most genuinely happy people I have ever met. Seriously, it shines through so much that your eyes sparkle, and it makes you so beautiful! I don't know any skinny people who are happier than you are, who radiate like you do! So just let yourself be happy as you are!" Honestly, it was a moment where I'm sure God just took over her mouth and preached to me a wake up call I really needed, it hit home to the reasons I self-sabotage and it resolved instantly a lot of my emotional eating. Seriously, ever since that weekend I have done so much better loving myself the way I am and not needing to resort to comfort foods nearly as much!

The second thing was my inner battle on how much of my spiritual life to bring into my career. I certainly want to be free to talk about my faith, be able to bring God into it because He is the only reason I have come to my own place of healing, yet I didn't want to alienate someone from seeing me because they don't share my beliefs.  I was already beginning to fill my future website with information about my coaching and was back and forth what to include about spirituality. Then, my coaching trainer started dropping little spiritual hints, using analogies from Scripture, using Proverbs, and turns out he was a former Pastor!  And over the length of the course, he became more and more open about how his life, his coaching, and his wellness had a strong spiritual aspect. I realized, if this Master Coach who does high level executive and corporate coaching, who is one of the lead trainers for my association, could be this open about his faith without showing fear of ramifications in a secular venue, so could I. I thanked him so much for his spiritual authenticity and how inspired I was by it, and I look forward to continued mentorship from him!

Those short 16 hours showed me just a few of the ways God has been working all along to bring me to this place I am in right now, which is simply a place of such fulfillment and joy!  I've barely even started, but the dreaming and planning have been so exciting, and now I have myself 3 'practicum' clients, and even in just the first few meetings I am so indescribably happy for my opportunity to help them!  I put the call for clients out there and trusted God would bring me those who I needed and who needed me.  He's given me surprising people yet once I hear their story and can see the harmony in us working together, it is not surprising at all. It's a little unbelievable this is my life, especially when I think of where I was at one year ago.

Nothing is insignificant.

Follow Me

I have been trying to explore what discipleship means in this day and age, what it means for me specifically.  I'm the kind of person who starts by creating a foundation of understanding in how something is defined. Discipleship is defined not only as a follower of God, but also a supporter of, a devotee of, a witness to, and a student of God.

The last two definitions in particular resonate with where I am at. How can I keep my testimony relevant if I am not learning more and more about God? If I am not experiencing Him in fresh ways in my life?  There are thousands of characteristics of God, if I am not learning about, experiencing, Him in new ways then it's because I'm not trying.

I have felt the pull to become a student in more than one ways these days, and this curriculum I'm finding is a lot like my Counselling studies, they need to be hands on, experiential. I need to be God's apprentice. Apprentice - to bind to a master artisan for instruction.

To me, discipleship has come to mean connecting with God, to understand Him better, which will lead me to receive His instruction better. But I think that's only a secondary benefit to knowing God, His ultimate heart is to connect with us for relationship sake.  God is always trying to use new things to show us another side of Himself, to become intimate with us on a whole other level.

Take for instance, waltzing.
Waltzing?!?
Yes.
Waltzing.

Almost 3 years ago I was blessed with some newer friendships with women who experienced God tangibly, through very realistic visions.  Back then I mentioned here some life changing moments they facilitated in my life, like this vision and this vision, God had been responding to my choice to seek Him out in new ways, showing me sides of Himself I longed to know better.  Then suddenly, out of the blue, He chose to reveal a part of Himself that I hadn't even asked for.

Waltzing.

One day at Church, as I was worshiping, I began seeing my own version of a vision my friend had shared, Jesus sitting on His heavenly throne, being worshiped by a sea of thousands, I being just one of those. I was far, far away from Him but yet still so in awe of His glory I could feel it even there. Then, suddenly I saw Jesus walking through the crowd, right in front of me, making His way through them, towards me. I could touch His robe, I still remember what it felt like. He looked like the earthly version of Himself, not the heavenly one that glowed so brightly moments before. And then He took me in His arms and we started waltzing.

While perplexed, I let the moment happen and just savored it. These types of visions are few and far between for me, I had wished dozens of times the visions I heard from my friends were mine, and this was mine, so I basked in it. It didn't matter why.

But now, two years later, as I contemplated discipleship, this moment spontaneously came to mind and suddenly it did matter why. I am just the kind of person who sometimes gets burdened by the why, and when I do, I need to figure it out. So I examined why God could possibly have wanted to connect with me through dance.

I DO have a desire to dance, I love dancing and find myself constantly moving when the right rhythm comes along. But it isn't a huge part of my life, I can't even full on dance when no one is watching, never mind LIKE no one is watching. Unless I'm not alone. I suddenly have the freedom to dance if I am not the only one I know on the dance floor. Growing up Mennonite, dancing was not encouraged, and I danced maybe a handful of times by my grad. I never dated anyone who liked dancing, only had 2 friends for most of my young adult life who would go out dancing with me. There has been only one time I've even danced with a guy using more movement than just a mere sway.

This one time was with my guy friend, who happened to be gay, so he didn't just dance next to me, he danced with me, swinging me all around the dance floor and it gave me this inexplicable feeling, this wave of femininity washed over me. There is just this mysterious chemistry that happens when a man and a woman dances, I've seen it in others many times before, but never experienced myself. But because he was gay, he and I were able to simply embrace it without any burden of a deeper meaning. And now, married to a non-dancer, I have never felt that particular chemistry or particular femininity ever again.

Weird, right? No one else in my life has ever been able to give me that feeling in any other way. I don't know what it is about a twirling twosome that elicits a womanly essence . Maybe it's all the Disney princess movies? Yet I've seen it in little girls who haven't ever watched Disney.

Or maybe it's a desire God has planted in females for some reason.

I am inclined to believe the latter since a couple of times in the last 2 years God has taken me for a spin on the ballroom floor of my mind during worship at Church.

After examining the whole experience, I see now He was blessing me for pursuing Him in a brand new way. For opening my mind to who He is, not who I want Him to be. And I think He was redeeming my one encounter with femininity of that kind. If I had not been open to getting closer to God, connecting to Him in more and more intimate ways, I maybe would have just dismissed that first waltzing worship, maybe even been embarrassed by it, shut it down because I grew up with dancing as 'bad'. But it turns out, God is a complete gentleman who wants to embrace me as we glide around to beautiful music, in step together, like only dancing can do. He wanted to meet a need I didn't even know I had, a desire to dance, a desire for a different kind of intimacy between man & woman. And, in a brand new way He spoke to me the same ancient lesson.

Follow me.

And so I've added this to my growing list of lessons on the character of God. And my discipleship has grown ever stronger for it the last few years.  Just a few weeks ago He showed me even more about the harmony of life with Him. Our life with Him a song, a dance. A song I can't get out of my head, or my heart, and I look forward to the many new verses I will discover until we finally dance again in person.

Harmony

In my devotional I was readying in Colossians 1 about Jesus' role of bringing harmony to the universe, it's been His job from Genesis, through His time on earth, and through His second coming, perfect harmony being achieved with Him in eternity someday. That brought to mind something a friend once said, that God showed her all existence is like a song (she's a musician), and we talked about how even stars have been recorded as making a humming noise. So when I read that God showed me that all of creation is like one long song, every part of creation is a part of that song (or maybe even symphony!) a bar, a note, pitch, an instrument, every thing that it takes to play that song is a piece of creation. Even in nature, our instruments are created from inspiration of winds, reeds, beating rhythms, etc. And it's one language you will find in every culture, that has this inexplicable ability to move people more than just words alone, lyrics set to music have what my musician friend deems 'magic.' And so, when it comes to harmony in this world, my purpose, your purpose, everyone's purpose plays a part in bringing about that harmony, and so Jesus is even more intent on using His every resource to bring about His purpose for us, more intent than we are, because without our purpose being fulfilled ('our' being His children) then there isn't harmony with the purpose of all creation. I've discovered a new appreciation for His timing, because think of how important timing is to make music sound good, to sound in harmony, it takes each piece fulfilling it's purpose in PERFECT timing. But also each piece must be cooperative, must accept alignment, must choose unity. And when we achieve harmony in music, think of how beautiful it sounds.

God gave me a picture during our Friday morning prayer group a couple of weeks ago of a tuning fork, that the Holy Spirit works in us like a tuning fork, He reverberates within us and the closer we pay attention to His tune, the more we can feel when we are in alignment, in or out of tune. When we are out of tune it's like clashing off-key notes, it makes you cringe and recoil, you just know it's not right but even more than that it's painful to listen to. When we are in tune it's not only harmonious, it's peaceful, it's sweet-sounding, like a beautiful song you don't ever want to end. I've been trying to remember that when seeking God, when I need answers, I strike the tuning fork and wait for the vibrations to show me pain or peace. So when I read in my devotional last Thursday about Jesus' purpose as a harmony maker, it made SO MUCH SENSE!


So then, I think, eternal life, that must be what perfect harmony is, because that is Jesus' end game, life with all of creation made new in His kingdom. So, why does it seem there is less and less harmony in the world, and not just in the world, in Churches even. Isn't that how music works, the more you work at it the closer you get to it sounding perfect? But God showed me through the tuning fork analogy, God is also the tuning fork, not just as the Holy Spirit inside each believer, but a cosmic tuning fork, and He has been slowly increasing how strong the tuning vibrations are, the stronger the vibrations the clearer it is who is in tune/alignment and who is out of tune/alignment. The vibrations are increasing in strength the closer to the end times, because before, and even now, it is easy for people to hide their misalignment with God, there are so many Christians who think they are following God, but are not, and a lot of us can't see the difference. So as the season draws nearer, there is actually less harmony as those who are out of tune are exposed, and they have a choice to make. We live in a world where there is the appearance of grey, but really all there is, is black and white. It is like salt and pepper thoroughly mixed together would appear grey, with maybe some spots more white or more black, but if you sifted them properly they would separate and there would only be white and black. God's tuning fork vibrations are sifting us to make it clear there is no grey. Those who are out of tune and want alignment with God will have choose to get into harmony. Some won't feel in tune with Him and in fact the true God's tune can sound harsh and sour, a sound that's painful for them to listen to, so they cringe and recoil. So they will choose discord. The vibrations are driving every human to either choose white or black, they shake the grey choices out of existence, and so we'll in fact see less and less harmony/peace/unity in the world as the grey becomes black, and the black becomes blacker. But we should also see some grey becoming white, and the white becoming whiter. The white WILL be more harmonious, there will be more unity and peace in the Churches that are in alignment with God.

I am so blessed that God keeps bringing these revelations to me when I'm intentional about spending time with Him, and confirms them through other things He's been showing me. Well this one keeps getting more and more confirmation. I went to a garage sale on Saturday, held by the woman who leads my Friday morning prayer group, she was selling books so I knew I had to get in on a deal on books she has previously read! One of those books I actually picked up for a friend, a take on postmodern evangelism for a friend struggling with being taught 'street-corner' evangelism, and it was equated to a dance, which she is a dancer! But I decided to flip through it first and in the introduction he wrote this: "The Gospel comes to you, not like a commercial, but like a song. It sneaks up on you and then sneaks inside of you. Somewhere in your journey through life, you begin to hear this song whose music captures your heart with its rhythm, melody, ambiance and glory, and you begin to move to its rhythm. Overtime your whole life begins to harmonize to the song...so you resonate with its tone and flow with its melody. The lyrics gradually convince you that the entire world was meant to share this song with its message, its joy and its dance. This is why you begin to feel the song and live by it." More Ready Than You Realize - Brian McLaren. Wow! And he wrote that in 2002! And God wasn't done yet! A song came on the radio yesterday that He touched me with a few weeks ago, I had heard it for the first time right after prayer group, a particularily touching time that spurred me on to seek more of God in a new way. Yesterday the words hit me in a new way...

Amen, Amen
I'm alive, I'm alive
Because He lives
Amen, Amen
Let my song join the one that never ends
Because He lives

Because He lives
I can face tomorrow
Because He lives
Every fear is gone
I know He holds my life my future in His hands
Matt Maher - Because He Lives (Amen) Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Harmony. As I learn so much about His idea of harmony, I receive more and more of it flooding my life in beautiful, sweet-sounding ways. And I want to feel the song more and more, live by it, and dance in its joy!

The Secret Spirit Language

Have you ever wondered why it is you can have conversations with other Christians that really deepen your hunger for truth, they give you revelations and insights seemingly straight from God? You get filled up just talking to them and you leave them feeling like you've encountered God?

Have you wondered why it is you can have conversations with other Christians and it leaves you wondering if you are speaking the same language? Wondering if you even know the same God?

I have noticed this a lot lately in the last 30 months, more so especially in the last year, and the former I just started to call them Holy Spirit moments.  After all, "For where two or three have gathered together in My name, I am there in their midst."  I love those moments.

Last week in my devotional time God revealed to me more about this amazing concept. He showed me it is like the Trinity speak their own secret language, that language is the language of truth, ultimate truth, all-knowingness.  And we, like anyone learning a new language, are able to recognize it and understand it the more we are exposed to it.

The first step to learning a language is to spend time in a community where we are exposed to people speaking the language. In this case, spending time with Godly people in tuned with the Holy Spirit.

The next step is to practice speaking in, and listening to, the language. To be able to learn the Secret Spirit Language we need to practice speaking to God, developing our prayer life, but not just talking to God, talking with God, taking the time to learn to listen and recognize what He's saying.

And another way to help learn language is through comprehension; reading, writing, and having dialogue. This is more than just reading the Scriptures for knowledge sake, it is reading communication directly from the creator of the Spirit Secret Language Himself, and we read it to gain familiarity with the language of truth. Truth is a difficult language so it helps our development to journal or discuss our understanding of what we have learned.

So, as I have grown in my understanding of the Spirit Secret Language, I have found others who are also proficient in this amazing language! We find ourselves slipping into this deeper dialect naturally, realizing as we talk that there is a connection beyond ourselves happening, and the amazing thing about the language of truth is that our awareness of truth expands the more we are immersed in it. And then there are other people, and they can't seem to understand what we're talking about, it's like they are hearing gibberish. Or maybe more like seeing sign language, it is in English, which they should be able to understand, but the way the language is being communicated they just can't understand.

I am so in awe of this and it has made me so eager to delve into learning more, in every way I can.  I seek out more opportunities to be in the company of other SSL enthusiasts, and reading Scripture and praying are a whole new experience. I have always been a big fan of secret codes and the idea of being multilingual, I am so excited to take my language skills to another level!

After this revelation, God then hammered the point home with having me come across several Scriptures the last few days, but this one captures it perfectly so I will share it in it's entirety.

1 Corinthians 2:1-16

When I first came to you, dear brothers and sisters, I didn’t use lofty words and impressive wisdom to tell you God’s secret plan. 2 For I decided that while I was with you I would forget everything except Jesus Christ, the one who was crucified. 3 I came to you in weakness—timid and trembling. 4 And my message and my preaching were very plain. Rather than using clever and persuasive speeches, I relied only on the power of the Holy Spirit. 5 I did this so you would trust not in human wisdom but in the power of God. 6 Yet when I am among mature believers, I do speak with words of wisdom, but not the kind of wisdom that belongs to this world or to the rulers of this world, who are soon forgotten. 7 No, the wisdom we speak of is the mystery of God—his plan that was previously hidden, even though he made it for our ultimate glory before the world began. 8 But the rulers of this world have not understood it; if they had, they would not have crucified our glorious Lord. 9 That is what the Scriptures mean when they say,

“No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love him.” 

10 But it was to us that God revealed these things by his Spirit. For his Spirit searches out everything and shows us God’s deep secrets. 11 No one can know a person’s thoughts except that person’s own spirit, and no one can know God’s thoughts except God’s own Spirit. 12 And we have received God’s Spirit (not the world’s spirit), so we can know the wonderful things God has freely given us. 13 When we tell you these things, we do not use words that come from human wisdom. Instead, we speak words given to us by the Spirit, using the Spirit’s words to explain spiritual truths. 14 But people who aren’t spiritual can’t receive these truths from God’s Spirit. It all sounds foolish to them and they can’t understand it, for only those who are spiritual can understand what the Spirit means. 15 Those who are spiritual can evaluate all things, but they themselves cannot be evaluated by others. 16 For, “Who can know the Lord’s thoughts? Who knows enough to teach him?”
But we understand these things, for we have the mind of Christ.

To Mothers, From an Un-Mother

I was forwarded a blog post today from a great friend who happens to be a mother.

It is from the perspective of a mother, who never had the struggle of trying for children, all 3 came easily to her. She writes about an important lesson she learned the first pregnancy, when she was full of joy and broadcasting it to the world. Some people just can't share in that joy, no matter how much they would like to.

She made several really great points. One being, infertility is often suffered in silence, so very often those around them are unaware of the pain they face, over and over again, each month. It is mostly a hidden grief so many people are oblivious to the impact of their declarations of parent-appropriate emotions. Second she acknowledged her own struggle with empathy even once she did know, and admitted her desire to have her feelings trump those of the infertile friend. This was her own personal experience but one I know that isn't an isolated situation.

The summary of the blog was to encourage mothers in particular to be sensitive, understand the continual pain, and to try not to do anything that just adds to the grief. I appreciate that sentiment, thank you. But I really hoped my friend who had sent the post hasn't been burdened with guilt  for her sharing pregnancy joy and toddler trials. So now I wanted to offer my own words to mothers from the other side, and hope other people battling infertility will consider these words as well.

Over the nine years of trying without success to be a mother I have encountered many different responses from women who are mothers but I have also encountered quite a few infertile women as well, and I have learned that mothers are not the only ones at fault for the hurt feelings that happen around infertility.

We who fall under the label infertile, even for a season,  sometimes choose our feelings over friendship, and we act like we have cornered the market on pain and strife.

We who can't be labelled mommy can let jealousy, envy and resentment cloud our ability to see mothers as just woman who have different struggles than us, but struggles just the same.

We who have empty wombs and arms can be so harshly judgemental for no other reason than our target was able to get pregnant and give birth, something they have no more control over than we have control over our inability.

The blog author mentioned she wanted her joy to trump the sorrow of the one who couldn't be a mother, but at times I have wanted my struggle to trump the struggle every mother goes through.

It took awhile for me to realize how unfair that was but it finally dawned on me, I don't compare any other pain, I don't begrudge someone dealing with anorexia because I have a problem with over eating. Hardships of motherhood are just as difficult as the hardships of infertility. I'm sorry to say my final lesson that hammered that home was learned at the expense of my sister, who had her own journey through infertility for 5 years, but when she had her first son and it wasn't an easy birth or newborn phase, and she didn't even complain, but as she shared her difficulties, my immediate reaction was to resent that her gratitude didn't automatically overcome her distress. It was then my eyes opened to just how insensitive I could be to moms, how insensitive a lot of infertile women could be to mothers.

I realize it's part of the society we live in, people tend to fall into ignorance to the impact of what they say or elevate the importance of our own feelings, but that doesn't excuse it, or help maintain healthy relationships. And there seems to be a growing hyper sensitivity increasing rather than just compassionate sensitivity around this area in particular.

Granted, it would be nice to have people consider my feelings before they say something like 'if you want kids so bad you can have my brats', but I never want a friend to feel like they have to walk on egg shells around me or feel like they can't share the reality of their life with me, because then I am not being a good friend, or a friend at all really. My feelings are not more important and do not negate the feelings of my friends. It hasn't been as hard to change how I choose to react and feel about it now that I am aware.

And maybe I'm also really lucky that I have pretty amazing friends who really do respect and honor my feelings, and feel them with me, and so it makes it easy to value them over holding tightly to my pain.  I am a lucky girl.

Jesus Loves Me This I Know

You know how when you've spent a lot of time apart from a spouse or significant other, whether it was separation by happenstance or a not-so-happy-stance, once you reunite there is another honeymoon phase?  I was blessed with the beginning of a new honeymoon phase with Jesus this last week and I just wanted to capture this amazing day here.

After I finally realized my misery has been my own doing, not God's, and I was determined to make time with Him my top priority, we reunited for our first date in months the last day of 2014. No better way to start a new year than to have good closure on the previous year.

To be honest, previous Jesus dates I struggled what to actually do to spend time with Him. I copied ideas from a friend, like reading my Bible at Starbucks, talked to Him in my journal, I did things I enjoy that I have no one else to enjoy with (like sushi), because if I enjoy them Jesus created me to enjoy them, and so He must enjoy them too ;) I knew what we did wasn't as important as intentionally trying to spend time with Him yet it still felt a little awkward.

I started planning out this date a week earlier, Christmas Eve, and I wondered what I would do this time. I had plans to borrow a devotional on prayer from a friend but didn't have it yet. I thought of buying one because I really didn't want to wait a day longer to start intentional re-connecting, and devotionals make it a lot easier for me than just opening the Bible. But I dismissed the idea of buying one because I really should start learning to restrict my spending, not knowing what 2015 employment would look like yet.

Yet, the day before our date I just couldn't get rid of the thought I should buy my own, and I had unexpected Christmas money, so I thought I'd at least pop in to the new Hull's that opened a few weeks ago and see what I could find. Often when I browsed I had trouble finding just the right devo I was looking for, so doubted I would even find anything. I doubted it even more when I walked in, they had 3 tiny little sections filled, the rest was empty and/or still under construction. I went to the one shelf of devos with about 20 choices, more than half of which were for families/couples. Yet, on the top shelf, with a very pretty cover, was a devo with large print HOPE, written by Beth Moore, an author I had been hoping to read something by soon. I flipped it open and the raw edged paper (I love raw edged paper) was filled with guidance towards a closer relationship with God and how to pray that out.....exactly what I was hoping to get from devotional time. I knew it was there just for me. So I bought it.

So, date day arrived, I dropped Sean off at work then parked near the 2 places I intended to spend time with God that morning. First was Starbucks, redeeming a free reward drink and snuggling up in a big arm chair, opening the devo and my journal to spend at least an hour talking to God. I opened the devo and on the first page was a personal poem by Beth that made me instantly cry and realized how intentional God really was in getting this devo in my hands. It of course was about hope, but the imagery she chose was imagery God had been pursuing me with since at least June, stars/diamonds. Her take on them was light in darkness, which has been my own theme for the month of December. And even mentioning 'a painted dawn for you', again a direct hit at what God spoke over me in 2013. Wow. Our date had barely started and He was giving me gifts. Then I opened it to Day One and it spoke to exactly the struggle I had been having all year, the reason I was letting my trust slip, but it spoke it in terms that I completely relate to, the metaphor of an artist. Especially with how much time I've been able to spend on art since being laid off! Again, I was completely blown away by God's pursuit of me through this devotional.  Especially with how much I had rejected His voice in my life throughout the last year, and especially last few months. I was so humbled and grateful.

My next stop planned was a piece of art right across the street. I follow the local artist @kalbarteski on instagram and ever since I saw her posts of creating this work of art on some windows on Graham Ave I have wanted to visit them. Her work is lovely in print but it was more the message than the medium that enthralled me. It is a message of self love and love of body image, the same message that God has been trying to work out in me, so I thought what a great place to go next. I wasn't disappointed, it was even more beautiful than I imagined and saw from instagram pics! I love when art not only gives beauty but reflects & accepts it as well!

Other than that, I only had one stop left on our date, sushi for lunch. But first I had an errand to attend to. I had not premeditated this as part of the date, but considering our theme for our date and been creativity, it soon became apparent that God likely did premeditate this errand. My next stop was to browse art supplies, with that unexpected Christmas money. I anticipated being able to buy something to further pursue sketching or watercolour painting, but not both. The store I was going to go to used to be right across the street from the street art, but it was no longer there, so I Googled on my phone another art shop downtown and sure enough found one at the place I've considered attending a painting workshop! And, they had very reasonable prices AND of course a boxing week sale! I had fun browsing and imagining all the things I could create, and I walked away with an arm load full of supplies, which will be a great start to my attempts to dabble in both mediums again!  Another unexpected gift from Jesus and the best date ever!

 Then, on to sushi :) I decided not to grab the cheap trays found at most grocery stores these days, with only 3 choices and a little dry even after only 4 hours sitting in their refrigerators. I went to one of the places I ordered from for my former employer and with their lunch special ended up paying only $2 more than I would have at a store. It was fresh and so very delicious. I literally spent every mouthful thanking Jesus for creating a culture that created sushi.

After that, it was time to start getting ready for the New Year's Eve date planned with hubby, but Jesus wasn't quite done with me yet :) A few hours later as Sean and I drove to get dinner the sky painted with one of the most beautiful sunsets I have ever seen. What a perfect gift to end the most perfect date. What a perfect end to our separation and to the year 2014. Thank you Jesus!

The Good, The Bad, and The Good!

Good.

I started off 2014 with far fewer goals than in years past.

Bad. 

I didn't 100% accomplish any of them.

Good.

I'm totally ok with that :)

Good.

One of my goals was to improve photography creative skills with my phone camera.

Bad. 

It lasted all of 4 months.

Good.

I ended up taking way more Instagram photos than last year, including way more selfies which is not easy for me. Check them out at @Loriala77

Good.

One of my goals was to eat healthier, especially cutting out all my luxury food, baked desserts, chips, and drinking anything but water.

Bad.

I cheated all but one month, and threw a few months of healthy eating out the window all together.

Good.

Last 4 months have been back on track, with new tools and resolve, and intend on continuing a highly reduced luxury food lifestyle. Also, will be donating $275 from my luxury forfeit project to donate to a clean water charity.

Good. 

Goal to honor Sean, and start including 'undates' for more quality time together.

Bad.

My week of blessing Sean around his birthday was interrupted by a wedding, only managed 4 days. And the intentionality of undates AND dates stopped, because I got too caught up in expecting what I wanted from them, not treating them like a time of connection.

Good.

When I stopped trying to plan dates altogether, Sean surprised me by picking up the ball and taking ownership for initiating both dates and undates the rest of the year!

Good.

Plan for continued minimization, trying to declutter life and especially my home.

Bad.

In a whole year, still haven't completely emptied and got rid of the craft room I no longer use. Also didn't shop as much at thrift stores as I'd have liked to.

Good. 

I have sold about 80% of my craft supplies, and made a plan for a new, small, creating nook upstairs, and whatever cannot fit into that from the old craft room will be donated somewhere. I did one month wearing one article of clothing again, this time a sweater, and absolutely no clothing purchases that month.

Good.

God planted new purposes in me over the last few months of 2013 and laid one in front of me Jan 2014, leading a support group for infertility.

Bad.

3 women showed up, once each, one looking to help the ministry, not for support. Group cancelled.

Good.

God directed me to school to start my journey towards becoming a counsellor! He also laid on my heart to create and lead a study for young women, transitioning into adulthood and spiritual maturity. And just in the last week He opened a door to co-lead a support group for women where the leader is a professional therapist and I can learn sooooo much from her!

Good.

I don't think I recorded this as a goal, but creativity is always on my heart and I'm always looking for ways to work out my inspirations in art.

Bad.

Photography was not the end result of this endeavor this year as I had hoped.

Good.

I started collage painting again, even putting them up for sale! I also ended the year picking up sketching and water painting again, thanks to a convo with my sis Tami. Haven't done either in 16 years but love it! Here is my second sketch in as many weeks.

Good.

Began the year on a fertility drug I hoped would finally be the answer.

Bad.

It was not and reaked havoc on my body. Also, felt God asking me to release every form of control in trying for a baby. None of it has worked in almost 9 years, I should place every bit of it in His hands.

Good.

For the most part, the 4 months I have stopped tracking of any kind have been the most peace filled months of trying I have had yet (not including the last 2 weeks of December :( ).

Good.

I began the year determined to fight for my hope and my faith.

Bad.

I was indeed actually fighting a battle for this all year long. Felt like a failure at getting closer to God most of the year.

Good.

I realized I had to fight for my faith first, not my hope. Time with Jesus, like Jesus dates, and devotionals, and Bible studies, and becoming a more intentional disciple are my top priorities this coming year!

All in all, I may not have accomplished my goals set out for 2014 but accomplished much more actually.

'The human heart plans it's course, but the Lord determines our steps.' Proverbs 16:9.

In With The New 2015

Over the years I have described times of emptying, where I felt like my life was being emptied, or even that my own self was being emptied, and while I knew it was in order to be filled again, that feeling of having a void is not a comfortable one.

But with every emptying I had felt I was given something to fill me back up again.

Hope. Love. Purpose. Friendship.

And I was good.

For a while.

I wondered why the emptying feeling had to keep coming back though.

Why couldn't I just stay filled and satisfied?

Each time I chose to seek out God.

To ask why. To request a refill. To sustain me. To show me what I need to do.

Please Lord just fill me again, whatever that takes.


2014 was another emptying year.

Everything seemed to ebb more than flow.

Hope. Love. Purpose. Friendship.

With every subtraction in my life I grew more and more needy.

My focus became more and more about how to get the refills.

I spent so much time this year impatient and demanding.

I asked God first for the refills.

Then I tried it my own way.

Then I went back to God, pleading to be filled.

I got angry at God for leaving me so empty.

The more I concentrated on filling the void the bigger it became.

It was like a black hole, the more of my focus it ate, the bigger it grew.


As I thought about 2015, what it would hold, what years beyond this could hold, I realized the void could remain for a long time yet to come.  I realized even if I got what I wanted, there could still be a void.  Even in the best moments of 2014 there was still a void.

That's when it hit me.

Each time I've been emptied, it was to make room for God.

It's a hole that can never be filled with anything but God.

Each time I started to fill it with God.

But then I began to fill it with promises of the life He wanted to give me instead.

But the life He wants to give me will only result from filling up on Him.

Even though I turned to Him each time, it was not for the sake of relationship, but in order to receive.

Somewhere last year my desperation derailed me and His gifts became the priority instead of his presence.


So. 2015, you lie before me a blank slate in so many ways.

I have no idea where you will take me.

You may take away just as much as you give, or more.

But this year, I will not be emptied.

My only priority is to fill the void.

For such a time as this

I have been keenly aware the last several years at sensing when God is causing shifting in my life, I have blogged about it now and then. The first one I felt was in 2010, leading me to serve in my Church in a new way, which eventually led me to 3 new best friends and a recovery journey.

I strongly sensed 9 months ago that God was doing some Spring cleaning in my life for a purpose, and even 10 months before that I was getting the 'spidey' sense tingle. I rarely know the purpose, I've called it a 'winds of change' because it's nothing more tangible than wind, and yet it's more than just wind, it's His breathe. Breathing life into me where I didn't know I was lacking.

Once the change has happened, I see in hindsight where God was leading me, leading me long before I got that tingling. This time is no different. Now that I see the changes unfolding, I can see God's hand orchestrating this over my entire lifetime!  Yes it ties into the shifts I've seen in the last 19 months, but also the shift 4 years ago, and the journey of self-image deliverance, and the journey of infertility & miscarriages, and the journey of stewardship over my finances, and my heart for marriage.  Many of those journeys started in childhood.

For such a time as this.

But before I get to the now, I'll backtrack a little, as I haven't shared a lot about my heart for marriage here. I can't actually recall when this passion flared up in me, a heart to see wholeness in marriage.  I just remember about 15-18 years ago, I was full of dreams and schemes for entrepreneurship (just like my dad), and I dreamed of this marriage retreat that would offer not just a retreat for couples, but resources, and support, and counselling, all in one. Then, just a few months after marriage, Sean and I were invited by our Pastor to join a marriage seminar he was running for a few weeks in the community, to be other Christian contacts for the participants to get to know other than just the Pastor and his wife. That seminar was awesome, I still use things I learned back then, what a great foundation for marriage, but I thought to myself, why did no one offer some of this before we were married? And I began to see a need for better pre-marital relationship help as well.

But then, all was quiet on that front. For years.

Then God started stirring something old in me. He placed my bestie in my life who came to me for advice a lot and I loved that God used my past to shed light on her present and future, as a woman dating with marriage in mind. Combined with hearing about what Sean was learning in his Counselling courses, a seed was planted. I wanted to become a marriage counselor! I wanted to do what I was doing for my friend every day! And I wanted to help couples who were struggling with finances like I did in a previous relationship - and with all I'd learned especially in the Financial Peace course I took, and how much it helped us. And I wanted to help couples dealing with infertility, and counselling through the grief of miscarriage! I was overwhelmed with this desire. But God said wait. He asked me not to start school until at least September 2014. I was ready to sign up for September 2013! I was obedient but started to sadly believe that it would be 5-10 years (depending on Sean's education track, I also promised him his would stay priority) before I would ever get to be in the purpose I felt God was leading me towards! I was a little disheartened to say the least.

So, back to now.

My first glimpse into understanding this change was January 22nd, and believe me, even with just an inkling I knew THIS is what God had been leading me towards for a long, long time. But, as hard as it was to contain, I couldn't say anything until now because it involves the Recovery ministry at our Church and we wanted to be fair to all our participants and leaders about the evolution of this ministry. It has taken us a few weeks to communicate and plan and get feedback and we finally have something in place so I can finally share!!!!! :)

During an evaluation started in fall, partly with our Director leaving and partly because the Church finally felt they needed to be more supportive and involved in a ministry of healing, we realized that the Celebrate Recovery banner just didn't fit our Church, to place all healing under this model wasn't working effectively and it was limiting. So while we are going to keep some strong foundational pieces, we are going to let go of the name, we are going to become more inclusive  by broadening the number of struggles we offer support for specifically. New groups will be offered that won't require a commitment of every week for a whole year, which started to weigh on me over the last year, because I didn't feel I could do that when our children come :)

The most exciting part for me came when our Ministry Pastor laid out just a few of the support groups he would like to offer. Miscarriages. Struggling Marriages. Financial recovery. Inside my head, my jaw dropped. The joy inside me bubbled up I could hardly contain myself. And other ideas I had for groups over the years that just wouldn't have fit in the CR model started flowing through my brain. An Infertility group. A Self-Image circle. A creative healing (through arts) group. It doesn't mean all of them will happen, but I just am over the moon because the sky is the limits!

I just know that somehow our children tie into this purpose yet too. Nothing concrete, simply more winds whispering. Oh, how I love the winds of change! But more than I love sailing on those winds, I love my Anchor.  I love knowing THIS was the good God was working out of every pain and passion in my life. This was what the Potter is doing with the clay. I followed His promises, followed every rainbow, and I found my dream.

Any such thing as too much hope?

I feel like my heart is a balloon.

And hope the breath that fills it. 

I am naturally a very hopeful person, so that balloon was filled from day one. It has had it's small leaks, but it has floated along in life, sailing on the winds God gave me. 

After a big leak, God patched me up and filled be with hope again, and I learned how to stay away from places that punctured me, robbed hope from me, and I learned how to stay afloat high in His sky.

And as I floated higher I was filled with more hope. 

And the balloon grew bigger, and bigger. 

Bigger than ever before, bigger than ever imagined. 

But.

The balloon is now stretched so thin.

I think it's going to pop.

I feel so thin.

Like I'm stretched and have no more of myself to spread thinner.

Is it because hope is about to birth something, or am I meant to burst?

I'm not quite sure.

In the Flow

In the flow is another way of referring to being led by the Spirit, but I also feel like I am just flowing along the strong currents of life, which thankfully feel led by the Spirit...but busy none the less!  I have managed to find time for my 'Aspire, Not Perspire' challenge to myself and just thought I'd document how I'm doing:

1. The One Dress Project - well my version of the The October Dress Project - ODP, which can be found here, was in April and a big success I think, and a lot of fun. For someone who was tired of deciding between which outfit looked the least worst it was freeing. The focus behind this was to reduce consumerism, conformity, excess, vanity, and increase sustainability, contentment, simplicity, imagination. I immediately resonated with the tie in to more of God, less of me, "We must decrease so that HE can increase".
I found the lessons that stuck the most was non-conformity and imagination. During the actual ODP month I felt the other areas much more but a few months (and shopping sprees) later the consumerism has made a comeback. But the discontentment I had wearing any of my previous large closet has disappeared, which is actually more a testament to my work on turning my self-image over to God, but I think it started with the ODP.

2. Sew - sewing has been a passion that really grew throughout the ODP, I began to see the clothes I wasn't happy with in a new light and I wanted to salvage them and make something I would love from them. Which I have! I had this sweater to skirt project, I hemmed a double-lined skirt - leaving the outer sheer shell full length and hemming the black slip just above the knee, and also created 3 halter tops out of ill-fitting shirts (one pictured below), as well as making my own tube-top bra for underneath my new backless shirts.

3. Blog more - it is a good thing I started my photo blog because it is the only reason I'm surpassing last year's blog posts. Last year I had 140 total but this year I've already got 158, 104 of which are on my photo blog, so my posts here are just a little behind but that's been life this year. And it's only about to get busier as it does leading up and after to our CR relaunch back at Step 1 - in mid-September. 

4. A blessing a day - this I still intend to do in October.

5. Project Minimalization - this has actually been the last on my list in motivation too. I've had a partially torn apart craftroom this entire year. I should just spread it out across the room and invite people in to make an offer on anything and everything. That was my main area of intention and haven't even thought of another place in the house to start. I guess I kind of keep waiting to see when I get pregnant, in case any of it can be repurposed in a nursery.

But 8 full months in and 3 out of 5 on the list I'm pretty pleased with my efforts despite my lack of laborious effort :)

Pray about Everything

"I might have made a lot of things different. But I’m not God and I don’t want to change rules just because they make me uncomfortable. I want to struggle within the limits of my understanding and my devotion."  ~ Mayim Bialik

I might put it slightly different, like, "I don't want to struggle within limitations I've placed on God. I want to struggle within the limitations of my understanding and my devotion."

I asked God why I feel such conflicting sensations in my body.

I feel emptiness.
I feel stirrings.
I feel closing walls.
I feel opening doors.
I feel exhausted.
I feel deep wells filling.
I feel caught in a hurricane.
I feel stuck.
I feel paralyzed.
I feel healed.
I feel too full.
I feel hungry.
I feel lost.
I feel hope.

I'm struggling with the limitations of my understanding. I'm struggling with my (lack of ) devotion.

And so He told me to pray. Prayer is my priority. Set aside everything that hasn't been laid on my heart by Him and pray.

That's pretty scary. That means I have to EXAMINE. Examine EVERYTHING. And lay down what is my heart and take up what is God's heart.

I feel like I'm taking my first steps onto the water. Because Jesus called to me. And I want to go in deep. And I don't want to let my fear or lack of faith overcome me. And I don't know how not to.

Except for pray.

You Make Beautiful Things

Ok, I promised I would do it. I promised I would look at myself and declare beauty over my body. I kinda tried to forget about it but then I would notice during a bathroom trip. I LIKE (fill in the blank) today! And it kept happening. I also knew I wanted to honour God's creation, I cannot say what He has made is NOT good. So, I knew I needed to write this out. For those days I forget. And because I promised : )

I love my hair, because it is so soft, perfect for hands running through it. It has finally become that perfect length and texture that gives me the best of both straight and curly worlds.
I love my face, because it's skin so (mostly) flawless I don't need makeup or lengthy maintenance. It's very symmetrical and perfectly proportioned.
I love my eyes, because if I look closely they have hues of gold and amber swimming in the chocolate brown, and they twinkle. There is joy in my eyes.
I love my nose, because even with the mogul bump on it's ski hill slope, it's actually cute.
I love my lips, because they are pretty perfect, soft and plump and pink.
I love my ears, because they aren't as sensitive anymore and I can wear fun earrings in my three holes each. And because they love music, music that speaks to me in so many ways that are healing to my soul.
I love my neck, because it was healed through Faith. At the time I had my Faith tattoo etched on my neck I was finishing my spiritual gifts course, of which Faith turned out to be one of my gifts. At the same time I was also suffering from chronic neck pain that never seemed to get better. I prayed that my Faith would transfer through that tattoo and heal my neck. A few months later the neck pain stopped and it has never returned to that degree.
I love my shoulders, because I think they are the most elegant part of my body, despite my 'big boned' frame. I think they make for a great canvas for my tattoos.
I love my arms, because they are quick to offer a hug, or a comforting touch, or a friendly squeeze...they reach out in empathy, compassion and love, an extension of my heart.
I love my breasts, because they are, well, ample :) I used to love that just because it gave me one thing I knew men were attracted to, but I now love them because they are womanly, they are an indication of what my female body was created for, nourishment and intimacy with my husband.
I love my waist, because it curves inward like the middle of an hourglass, more of my curvy, womanliness. I love it's skin that is so soft, ready to stretch with ease when that day will come.
I love my back, because it has previously been taken for granted, and with care it has grown strong. It is a beautiful balance of soft, delicate curves but strong enough to lift children that grow too fast, and play with them the same as I did 7 years ago.
I love my hips, because from the time I was a young woman they have been proclaimed as 'good child bearing hips.' The curve of my hips advertise strength I took for granted, and I had to work to bring them back to their full potential, and now they are ready to live up to their purpose.
I love my legs, because they are strong. Very strong. I can win leg wrestling matches with Sean, I can push great weights, I can walk for hours and hours.
I love my calves, because they have that great curve and indentation muscle that look great in high heels ;) They look pretty great in boots too.
I love my toes, because all it takes is a little nail polish and they are so pretty I tend to stare at them, a lot, lol.

So that's me, head to toe beautiful.

Uncontainable

I have really been desperately trying to find my self-worth in the person God sees me as, His vision of me is as good as it will get and full of truth, full of grace, full of love. I want to know what He thinks of His creation, His daughter, His steward. I mentioned, a few posts back, a video about an encounter with God, asking Him two questions; How much do You love me? and What were You thinking when You created me?

To be honest, I wasn't sure I would have as clear or moving answer as the testimony in the video. After all, God was pursuing her to ask Him to answer those two questions, I was a copy-cat trying to recreate the experience for myself.

But, of course, God showed up in flying colours, literally and figuratively :)

First, How much do You love me? God celebrated me with proclaiming how much He anticipated the day I would Be. How He couldn't wait to spend time with me on earth, the person I would be He couldn't wait to be with. Wow.

Second, What were You thinking when You created me? The first thing He did was giggle and proclaim with a smile, "I'm going to need all my colours!" :) He gave me pictures of various types of sunrises/sunsets, He has given me this picture of how He sees me as a sunset before, but this time He was showing me the 'uncontainable' nature of the sun at horizon, how my vision of that was so narrow. 'All His colours' meant I had so many facets, so many sides to me...something I used to think was a detriment (good at a lot, great at nothing) but lately I've realized it's made me relatable to a lot of amazing people who enhance my life, and I enhance theirs. I see this now as something God designed me to be like on purpose! And I love that about myself now!
I've also been shown, through the words of others, how I shine His light profoundly in their life. He was showing me that as His sunset I am just dispersing His light. Like the song that was coming to mind, Indescribable (...Uncontainable), "Who imagined the sun and gives source to it's light."
Then He also equated creating me to my own paintings, tapping into that feeling I get when I get to bring into existence something I imagined. It's an amazing feeling and to feel that from Him about me...I started weeping. "Just like you can't stop fussing over your favorite creation, you just can't be done working with it because it's too wonderful a feeling, you never want to stop being connected to that piece, that's how I feel about you." and "Just like you give away your creations hoping that it will bring as much joy to others as it brings to you, that's how I feel, I want to give you to those who can appreciate you as much as I do." A little while later I saw Him dipping a paint brush into His heart to draw 'colours' from to paint me.

I couldn't have asked for a more tangible feeling that evening, to tie God's thoughts and feelings about me into something I have experienced with my hands, my head, my heart. I thought my eagerness to understand how God sees me would be quenched with an experience like that, but it was only an appetizer, only increasing my hunger for what He can show me about myself. Somehow I just know there is a much deeper well to draw from, because I know He wants me coming back for more :)

And I will.

Wellness Wednesday

How many times can these new (yet old) revelations just blow my mind?! This latest article about High Energy Nutrition caught my eye, hoping for the quick fix of food that will stimulate me off the couch. Not so much :) In a good way!

1. Eat until you are energized! Should have been common sense, because I'm well aware when I get to the point I know I'll need fat pants and a few hours of nothing if I eat another bite!

2. Beauty and love are food! It goes back to my emotional eating, I eat because I am not satisfied and while I know I am not hungry for food, that's what I choose to satiate my desire with anyway.  When I get that hunger, fill up on beauty and love. I recently got some great advice from my counselor/hubby who directed me similarly, instead of eating - journalling, God walks, chatting with a friend.

3. Find out what you are really hungry for! I know that when I follow a passion and let myself go unleashed, become all consumed with the project, whether it be ministry or a relationship or a creative endeavor or learning something new, I have a hunger for that and only that. I do not snack and I eat less at meals, because the time I am eating I would rather be attacking my project with 100% of myself.

4. Be more considerate of how you contribute 'nutrition' to the world verses what you want to consume. I have long considered what legacy I'm leaving, what I will be remembered for, will I have fulfilled my purpose. But I have to remember, I am still living, I am contributing to lives every day. Am I using my energy to produce a quality life that can give sustenance to others or am I consuming more energy for my own needs?

Such profound things to consider as I evaluate what true wellness means to me.

Beautiful, Beautiful

What is beautiful?
In the eye of the beholder, beauty can be anything.
I believe I have been gifted an eye that beholds a multitude of definitions of beautiful. I find beauty in things that are not typically considered such.
I have an eye for art and colour and texture.
But.
It's more than that.

It's faces of people I see, and it's not just their inner beauty I see, I truly believe I have eyes that see them in their best light - and it has nothing to do with the lighting. I have had several conversations with friends about self-image and naming our faults that we hate about ourselves. These are women I find SO beautiful! I have sometimes wondered if I could capture what I see on film, if only there were a shutter behind my eyelids. Then I found a different way to capture it.  A word portrait. Describing each friend as I see them. I hope to gift several special friends with a printout of this word portrait.

It's an amazing feeling to gift that....

There is a quote: "Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us, or we find it not." - Ralph Waldo Emerson.  By that reasoning I figure I must have an abundance of beauty in me because of how much I see.

And then I wonder, why can't I give myself that gift? My friend recently blogged a wonderful post about why she loves all the different parts of herself. And I wonder again, why can't I give myself that gift? And so I am determined to do it. In the next week or so I am going to look in a mirror and list all the things I like about myself. If you don't see it posted, call me out! :) Hold me accountable, I must do this! I will do this.

Wellness Wednesday

I have known for eons (ok, not really eons, but as long as I've been 'diet' conscious) that being overweight has just as much to do with the mind as the body. Yet, I've done very little to apply that knowledge to my own struggle. Not sure why, that's a 'dive deep' discussion for another time I suppose, but I have finally started to dive deep into the intellectual/spiritual reasons I cannot seem to maintain a healthy weight. It started a few years ago but more deeply with Recovery in the last year, then it progressed along side Recovery with some books I've been reading and now a website I was recommended (thanks Lori!).

I've had a few ah ha moments over the last while that have been especially related to the brain, that this is truly a battle of the mind. And I have had yet another big one, and guess what, it all follows the same principle, what I think about and believe in becomes my reality!

"Metabolism is the sum total of all the chemical reactions in the body....mind influences chemistry...so actually Metabolism is the sum total of all the chemical reactions in the body, PLUS the sum total of all our thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and experiences!" (Psychology of Eating) 

I have always believed I was a slave to my 'bad' metabolism, even when I worked out a lot, but the battle isn't in my genes, it is in my mind and soul!

WOW!
That's all I can say right now, wow!

Wellness Wednesday

My last 3 posts about health (one, two, three) have all been about transforming my mind in order to transform my body. I am beginning to understand so clearly that this is not a battle in my fat cells, or a battle of the will, this is a battle of my mind.

In the last 8 months, but especially the last 8 weeks, I have come a long way in understanding victory or defeat lies in my choices.
My choices rely on the thoughts that are at the forefront of my mind.
I need to be aware of the origins of my thoughts, truth or trash.
I need to use truth to stay out of denial and to see myself and choices realistically.
I need to take captive of the trash and take it to the curb (or farther!).

I was beginning to realize how incredibly intentional I was going to have to be in order to produce the fruit of self-control.
Intentionally discipling myself, understanding the truth of what God wants from me.
Intentionally inspiring myself, understanding the truth of how God really sees me.
Intentionally motivating myself, understanding the truth of God's idea of healthy.

I am slowly beginning to see transformation. Not so much in my external body, but in how I see my body and treat my body. I know the external transformation will follow shortly.

I have been confident before.
And failed.
I have wondered over the last 8 months, will it be different this time?
I've had hope in my willpower before.
And failed.

But.
This time I have a secret weapon.

It's science. 
God told us about it in Romans 12:12.
The secret weapon is that God made my brain so that I personally have the ability to renew it, and change it! Duh, right?!
I obviously understood that to some degree, but it took a counselor speaking at recovery last Friday night for me to really grasp what that meant.  

What we meditate on changes our neural pathways, in simpler terms, changes our thinking. This ability to change neural pathways is called neuroplasticity - the plasticity means MOLD-ABLE!  
What you think about works in your brain a lot like real life roads/pathways. The pathways that get increased traffic (thoughts you think frequently) soon get paved, added lanes, is well maintained and eventually it turns into a super neuron highway. Whatever you don't think about often enough (even if it is truth) turns into an old country dirt path with growth covering it, full of potholes and ruts that isn't easy to travel and gets overlooked or avoided. 

My understanding of my brain thus far was close, more like that my current neuron pathway was like a Nascar track, sponsored by LNEGM (Lori's Negative Emotional Coping Mechanisms). I felt like, in order to think/live healthy, I would have to somehow free myself of that centrifugal force and drive through the field, in the ruts, driving until I could find a healthy super highway. I was out there driving just about every overgrown road you could find, covered in weeds, just there long enough to use it to search for the healthy super highway. That was never going to happen! So I would get tired and go back to the easy loop da loop. But now I know I need to intentionally choose the right roads that will lead me to the right place, stick to them no matter the conditions, taking care of them because those are my every day routes, and that is how I will CREATE the healthy super highway. 

I feel like my mind has been blown! 

At the beginning of the talk, the speaker gave out modelling clay without telling us why. I formed the letter L for Lori. As he talked about the character defects we have that just can't seem to let go of, it transformed into L for Lazy. By the end of the evening, once I realized my brain was just as mold-able as the clay, the L transformed again, and now it stands for Lovely.

:)

Wellness Wednesday

I've been sensing for awhile now that this was going to be a year where I may find significant triumph (and hard work) in my health. In every situation where I am learning/growing I hear the messages relate to food and health!

At times it's seemed conflicting, at first I sensed God telling me I can't control it with my knowledge and willpower, that my schedule and being strict with food is interfering with other priorities He's given me. Ok, so I stop scheduling my health, I just tried to make good choices. Then at other times He's telling me it's still a priority and He's not going to drop the subject until every food/health/exercise related choice is a God-approved choice. Well, I guess those messages don't really conflict, but it's hard to figure which priorities go where when the priorities conflict! Anyway, I've been feeling this way since about April. Waiting for Him to tell me more because I was clearly stuck.

Then at the Summit it happened, a break through. Rick Warren talked about doing things on our own effort. His analogy is that we're driving in a boat Eastward, auto-pilot on, but we want to head West. What all of humanity typically does is just crank that steering wheel with all their might, and use all their power to keep that wheel heading West, fighting that internal auto-pilot which is determined to turn that boat back East. We need to find out what our auto-pilot is and turn it off (turn it over to God). Easier said than done, but I knew that is exactly what I've been doing my whole life with my health, fighting the auto-pilot. To figure out what that auto-pilot is he suggested recognizing or asking yourself, "it is so like me to _______". Out of 10 times we do that we are likely to find a pattern. Guess what mine was....hmmm, food??  I reward myself with food, I punish myself with food, I medicate myself with food, I celebrate with food, I pacify myself with food, I entertain myself with food. Yuck. What an awful realization.

As it was a recovery ministry summit, of course I was learning about recovery, and since I'm technically new to recovery as a program I never officially did an inventory (Step 4) of my life and they suggested if you haven't done it through CR that you should go through it the official CR way for more integrity and credibility for the people you are leading through it. I've been meaning to, especially now that my small group is at that point, but I definitely realized I need to work through it to find out where that food auto-pilot originated and sort out the roots so I can finally get rid of them!

Then, on the last day we did an exercise I've done before, nailing a sin to a cross, a symbolic gesture, but this time it wasn't just for forgiveness it was to finally and fully turn something over to Christ (Step 3). Before they invited us up they reminded us of some of the Step 1 and 2 areas that can hinder us from Step 3, one of those verses was Romans 12:1 "give your bodies to God because of all He has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind He will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship Him." Although in my mind I know my body is not my own, it's a gift, it is something I am responsible for, to be a good steward over, it is His temple, I still have resisted sacrificing it.

I still insisted the stewardship would be on my terms, I would decide what was sacrificed and what was not. I convinced myself I was doing what would be acceptable to Him. I even hashed out what it meant to make my body a temple for Him. Clearly the back and forth weight and motivation over the years proves how good a steward I have truly been. Not. I talk a great talk (discipline not deprivation, don't undermine your determination), I have 66 posts on health over 5 years, but in the end I was only willing to sacrifice physically, not spiritually. I physically disciplined myself but not spiritually.

But that's it. I'm done with my terms. I am finally out of denial and I realize I am utterly powerless. I nailed this to the cross Friday August 10, 2012.

I know this doesn't mean I have this thing beat. This means I'll actually be more prone to failure for awhile, during this shift in my thinking. I know it's going to be a struggle to turn my auto-pilot off and keep it off. To replace mindless eating habits with mindful eating habits. It's interesting how I've increased in inviting God into every area of my day, being in tuned (my increase in intuition) to where He may be guiding me, yet I feel like there is a disconnect at my meal times, that this just seems to stop happening during that time. Highly doubtful that's a coincidence, that I get God-blocked when I'm most susceptible to falling for temptation. 

It's great having intuition for opportunities to become 'Jesus in the flesh', but I also need sin-tuition to recognize when I am about to choose to give in to MY flesh. I'm hoping returning to saying a grace of gratitude before each meal (during preparation even) will help correct that, being thankful for the fuel and inviting God to spend my meal with me, I hope to become keenly aware of which are the God approved choices in my kitchen. At the Summit, one of the speakers spoke about temptation and how it isn't only a negative choice (sin) we are facing, if we choose to not fall to temptation and make the positive choice we are choosing spiritual growth. I'm choosing spiritual growth not continued body growth!