Nothing is Insignificant

Hey! Long time no 'see'!  I have been super busy living life and haven't had a lot of time to squeeze out for things like being here in blogger-ville. A LOT has happened since July so I figure I'm about due for an update :)  Today I'll stick to, mostly, the career updates.

I have been at my new job 5 months now and it's going great. I really enjoy our mission, my co-workers, my hours ;) It's been perfect for me and where I am at in life right now.  I love that God placed on my heart to be completely open here, open about my vision for my future as a Counselor, open about my work/life balance priorities, but most of all, completely open about my faith.  I eventually became fairly open about it at my last job but then again, not with everyone, just certain people. Here I am not watering-down anything, and it's a great feeling. I have a co-worker who is definitely a spiritual seeker and she loves conversations about spiritual things so I have this opportunity with her I have never had before. God has given us hours together in the oddest of circumstances, where we've just been able to talk so freely, and I feel blessed to be part of what I sense God trying to show her.  She actually said the other day, "Have you ever felt someone was brought into your life for a reason? That's how I feel about you working here."  I am certainly feeling the same way!

As for the future career I'm working on, in Spring, as part of my obligation to Employment Insurance, I attended a Career Symposium where I went to two professionals speaking on their careers, one Psychologist and one Life Coach, somewhat bookends to the spectrum of my career possibilities. I found I was actually much more inspired and motivated to seek after what the Life Coach described than the Psychologist! And, right at that moment my school was announcing the end of my Counselling program and it was uncertain whether or not my group of classmates would have the opportunity to finish, and so with that in mind I was looking towards other potential options, none of which looked like they would bring me to a Counselling position anywhere near soon. I had already been disheartened it would take almost another 3 years at least to graduate THIS program! So I looked into Life Coach certification and ended up deciding to go for it! Even if I managed to stay in these classes and graduate no later than 2018 as planned, I thought it would add nicely to my education and experience, and with being able to have my coaching certification completed in September, I could immediately start seeing and helping clients! What timing that this opportunity was shown to me right then!

As the certification weekend in mid-September approached, I actually grew nervous about this decision, wondering if I had taken God's plans into my own hands. I was beginning to feel that cringe in my tuning fork because of expectations I placed on myself, based on my research into how Coaches make a significant portion of their earnings. I was beginning to wonder if I had wasted time and money, this was the uneasiest I had felt about any decision since a year earlier. Actually, just about exactly a year before, that's when my full blown anxiety about staying at my job was kicking in!

And right at that time, September 2014, God started playing a few songs excessively on the radio just for me....I am certain of this because I was hearing 3-4 songs, 2-3 times per day, every work day, in the only 40 minutes of radio time I had per day...no one else was hearing them that much! I wrote about this one song a year ago at my layoff time, The other songs I were hearing had similar messages, "no more counting dollars, I'll be counting stars", "we are stars, we are built for loving", "you're a sky full of stars, such a heavenly view." I knew at that time I wanted to stop chasing the pay cheque I was getting, I was willing to take a risk and do what I was built for, and I am built for loving, nurturing.  I could never quite figure out how stars fit in other than God had been talking to me about being His diamond, one aspect of that being 'like a diamond in the sky.' And the Coldplay song "A Sky Full of Stars" seemed to play the most of all the songs, and it began to feel like God was singing it to me personally.  And at really significant moments in my life over the next 4-5 months. The songs slowed down a little after I was laid off, and I pretty much stopped hearing all of them all together by Spring 2015. But they had given me hope the 2 months I waited to be able to leave my job, and it helped me feel like God was doing something in it all, whether I knew what that was or not. They became comfort songs.

So, back to September 2015. By the time I walked through the door of my classroom to get my coaching certification, I was managing my expectations of what I would get out of this. My thoughts were, I will probably get a few useful tools, re-affirm what I'm learning in counselling, and get a piece of paper that will help my credibility in whatever steps I take after that weekend. I got there early, like I always do, and the instructor was still preparing but welcomed me in. As I sat down and settled in, I heard that he was playing a CD, not sure if it was for himself or us, but it was the newest Coldplay CD and the next song that came on was "A Sky Full of Stars!" I still get choked up thinking about it! The realization that God was still there with me in this step, that it wasn't as far off course as I thought, and in fact this confirmed for me I was RIGHT ON course. He had been pursuing me with hope for my future with this song for exactly a year and He brought me to the place He had in mind for me all along. I learned that weekend nothing is insignificant.

Not only that, but I had two other Ah-Ha moments that weekend. The first was when we were in groups practicing using the tools, I selected a fairly tame goal for myself, losing weight, but of course these tools help you uncover obstacles we create for ourselves and my self-sabotage in this area came to light. Suddenly the woman coaching me stopped and said, "This is off script, but why does your weight effect your happiness so much? I've only met you a few hours ago, talked with you for only an hour, and you are one of the most genuinely happy people I have ever met. Seriously, it shines through so much that your eyes sparkle, and it makes you so beautiful! I don't know any skinny people who are happier than you are, who radiate like you do! So just let yourself be happy as you are!" Honestly, it was a moment where I'm sure God just took over her mouth and preached to me a wake up call I really needed, it hit home to the reasons I self-sabotage and it resolved instantly a lot of my emotional eating. Seriously, ever since that weekend I have done so much better loving myself the way I am and not needing to resort to comfort foods nearly as much!

The second thing was my inner battle on how much of my spiritual life to bring into my career. I certainly want to be free to talk about my faith, be able to bring God into it because He is the only reason I have come to my own place of healing, yet I didn't want to alienate someone from seeing me because they don't share my beliefs.  I was already beginning to fill my future website with information about my coaching and was back and forth what to include about spirituality. Then, my coaching trainer started dropping little spiritual hints, using analogies from Scripture, using Proverbs, and turns out he was a former Pastor!  And over the length of the course, he became more and more open about how his life, his coaching, and his wellness had a strong spiritual aspect. I realized, if this Master Coach who does high level executive and corporate coaching, who is one of the lead trainers for my association, could be this open about his faith without showing fear of ramifications in a secular venue, so could I. I thanked him so much for his spiritual authenticity and how inspired I was by it, and I look forward to continued mentorship from him!

Those short 16 hours showed me just a few of the ways God has been working all along to bring me to this place I am in right now, which is simply a place of such fulfillment and joy!  I've barely even started, but the dreaming and planning have been so exciting, and now I have myself 3 'practicum' clients, and even in just the first few meetings I am so indescribably happy for my opportunity to help them!  I put the call for clients out there and trusted God would bring me those who I needed and who needed me.  He's given me surprising people yet once I hear their story and can see the harmony in us working together, it is not surprising at all. It's a little unbelievable this is my life, especially when I think of where I was at one year ago.

Nothing is insignificant.

A Very, Merry UnBirthday to Me! (And Birthday too)

After two weeks of birthday celebrations I figured I should finally post a little about my birthday blessings.

My birthday celebrations started early this year, a full week early. It was the day that happened to be chosen by our office to celebrate both July birthdays, and I was treated to Angel Food Cake, my favorite! But that wasn't all the day had in store for me. The recording of a Single for my friend with cancer (which I helped setup) happened today! I was also invited to give a mini-testimony at Church and video it that evening, which for me is an exciting thing now, not a terrifying thing like it used to be. Then I had the rare opportunity to chat with my long distance bestie for 30 minutes which NEVER happens these days! That was the icing on the cake ;)

My mother-in-law always drops off an early present so I received flowers Saturday morning.

Then I gave Sean the entire weekend before carte blanche to do as he pleased. He took me on a shopping spree, my only limit was my own budget since I'm the accountant in the family :) He strongly encouraged frivolousness and so here are some of the items bought!

Jewelry, which is always fun, and my tastes are not expensive, lol.

Books, always could use more of those, and have been consistently searching for this one at a better price, which I found for $12!

And something I've been coveting just a little lately, being a sucker for rainbows, unicorns and flying horses! :D

Then Sean treated me to pizza, wings and wine while we spent the night watching cheesy horror flicks.

My co-workers took another turn spoiling me the 29th and 30th, when I received a Starbucks treat and dark chocolate and many special greetings. Not to mention the many touching FB posts and texts I received throughout the day of.

I of course treated myself to Sushi for lunch :) And a visit with a very good friend and vanilla ice cream for my birthday evening.

On the holiday Monday I went for a 7 mile walk with my cousin and she treated me to more vanilla ice cream for my birthday! Thanks Pam!

Then, the last celebration was getting to spend the night out with my mom and my sisters at Folklorama yesterday night. We went to the Chinese pavilion and then Brazilian pavilion, both spectacular in very different ways! Then we capped the night off with Menchies, more ice cream! Mmmmmm.

 

Can't complain, turning 37 was pretty amazing!

Another Transition

Since I can't remember who I have told and what I have posted I'll just write from the assumption I've left you all in the dark :)

A little over a year ago my best friend made the statement 'you should be a marriage couselor.' This was after about  6 weeks of relationship advice but it also resonated deeply in me from over a decade ago. About 15 years of God giving me a burden to help marriages. Sean at this time was winding down his first year of school to become a counselor and I had become very interested in what he was learning. 

I had an ah-ha moment.

I went to God with this passion burning a hole in my pocket but felt I was supposed to wait a year. In the mean time things started changing in our recovery ministry and 7 months ago several possibities became an option for me there, facilitating groups to help finances,  marriages and infertile women.  I realized as a marriage counselor I could touch on all these! I felt very confirmed.

Then about 2 months ago, in the midst of feelings of purposelessness and depression I felt whispers about school again.

Well I wanted to sign up that minute but courses for next term were not posted until mid - June. Then they changed the requirements to enter even the part-time courses,  I need to have volunteered in a social services type setting for minimum 100 hrs. Well my recovery service was applicable but I had to quickly fit that verification in before our vacation. Then when we came back I found I had to go in person to do a name change since I hadn't been a student there since before marriage.  It took awhile to finally get down there,  then I had to wait for my application to be approved, then another day to get my verification in the mail. 

Yesterday it came! It is now official!

What Else?

What else is going to go wrong?

I am long past the count of three.

Maybe they are coming in themes of three.

Like....Medical - miscarriage, Sean's really bad cold, my med side effects.

And now....Leadership.

3 weeks ago my boss, our office manager, announced he's stepping down from that role and we're hiring someone new. I am the only office administrator so my primary direction and responsibilities hinge on the person who is my boss, how they see my role...because it's already pretty vague and directionless.  Already been a little dissatisfied  since my job shifted priorities last April. Not going to lie. I'm nervous. Not for job security, but job satisfaction. 

Then, almost a week ago, the leader of our Celebrate Recovery ministry resigned. It has been a conclusion we have been aware of the potential of for three months. Doesn't make it any easier or less stressful or less uncertain for the future of CR and my own personal growth.  We're even more passionate about making this ministry grow now but we've lost a very significant resource.

And then today. Another unsurprise when our small group leaders decided they could no longer meet the needs of our small group. With a new born, a fireman's schedule, 3 other kids in the house adjusting to new family dynamics, it just wasn't doable. Understandably.

But.

The dynamics of our group leave almost no options, none that we've come up with yet, except for it to be at our house with us leading. Neither Sean nor I have that in us right now. We've barely had it in us to attend lately, never mind lead. One more thing costing us effort & energy is one too many. We have so many drains in our life and so few fountains in this season. 

I just can't see how it will work.

Yet I can't imagine losing my small group. 

They are a fountain. 

I just want to cry. And that's not the Estrogen talking.

Read the small print

Systematic, problematic
Come on, don't be so dramatic...

Lyrics to a song on my Just Dance 4, but feels like my life this last week.

 

Medication side effects.

 

Fun.

 

For the most part I've avoided reading side effects, because I'm highly suggestible (I'll likely adopt the symptoms), and I've trusted that the effects would not outweigh the benefit. I'm beginning to shed that ignorance with the lawsuits against HPV vaccines showing the risk of HPV is 1% and risk of side effects from vaccine is 3%.

But anywho.

I was told about the most prevalent side effects by my doctor and friend who was on Chlomid, and I was prepared to deal with that for a treatment I believe will work. Amplified cycle symptoms seemed doable since I hardly have any to begin with.

While their magnitude did take me by surprise a little, I knew fairly quickly, because of the timing, what I was experiencing. 

That was the first two doses. Now I am on the third, and highest.

Woah.

At first I did not catch on.

 

I've been in the midst of my typical fall busyness, experiencing stress with some upheaval in our CR ministry, the seasonal light change affecting me, not seeing friends/small group as much as I need. And then there's soldiering on maybe a little too quickly each month, because I'm on as strict cyclical regiment if I want this to happen anytime soon!

But I thought I was on the start of an upswing, getting motivation and energy back when suddenly I seemed to get knocked back down on my ass.

Suddenly I was so tired again. No energy. Couldn't sleep well. Felt inexplicably anxious about being drained of energy. Restless but not motivated. Cold and hot. Thought I was getting sick, but I never actually got sick.

Then the emotional rollercoaster started. Seems just about everything made me instantly weepy; t.v., songs, a blog post, a nice thing a friend said..... I'd ask myself 'what's wrong with you!' (not waiting for an answer) and forcing myself to 'smarten up'.  

 

But then it was my own thoughts making me weep, thoughts like, I'm done. I can't keep going through this waiting. Through this crazy cycle every month. My patience and hope have been stretched to the max. Eventually even a rubber band can't stretch anymore and snaps. I just can't anymore.

I felt so over dramatic.

Then for some reason, it clicked. This kicked into full gear 2 days earlier when I started my third dose. I decided to look up side effects of Chlomid. 

 

Fatigue

Can't sleep

Restlessness

Nervousness

Hot flashes 

Depression
Increased Estrogen - aka emotional sensitivity

Funny how understanding can temper a storm. Feeling normal in your abnormality helps tremendously!

Rejoice All Ways

So apparently I'm not lacking in hope.

Not lacking in love.

Not lacking in faith.

And not even lacking in joy.

That one is likely surprising given my last 2 posts.

But nope. Joy - check.

I am so filled with joy from the super awesome friends God has blessed me with, they speak and pour life into me. Constantly. They are a fountain, my fountain.

I am so filled with joy for the relationship I have with my amazing husband. I'm not sure how it can get any better, yet I'm sure it will.

I am so filled with joy for the love I share with my tremendous family. I can't, and don't, get enough of them.

I am so filled with joy for being able to hear and feel God, and relate to Him.

I am so filled with joy in anticipation for the life I know waits ahead of me.  That He has in store for me.

I am so filled with joy for the bountiful blessings God has poured out onto my life right now, financial security, warm home, safe car, etc.

I am so filled with joy for the opportunity to serve in a life restoring ministry, where I am able to facilitate and often just observe God's transforming power.

I am so filled with joy for the community of Christ-followers I belong to. I can't imagine life without their words, prayers, encouragement, support.

I am so filled with joy for co-workers who are so fun but also take the time to know what really matters to you. When it's hard to be at work, it's not hard to be around them.

I  am so filled with joy every time I see the sky display fantaburrifical colours and lights in such perfect, awe inspiring artistry, it takes my breath away.

I am so filled with joy when my cats put themselves in my path, making it very hard for me to ignore their pleas for cuddling and affection, especially when the cute chirps and rumbly purrs start.

10, 000 reasons for my heart to find.

I am so filled with joy.

In just about every way possible.

I am SO joyful.

So why is it that I am having trouble seeing past this one unjoyful circumstance?

A story comes to mind. One my cousin relayed from her pre-marital counseling. The Pastor showed them a blank white page that had one small black circle on it. He asked them what they saw. They saw the small black circle. He asked what else they saw. They searched hard for other blemishes on the page but could not find any. He then asked if they saw all the white on the page?

Duh.

The spot always gets the attention.

The messy spot.

The painful spot. 

A spot going nowhere soon...enough. 

So. It's up to me to intentionally focus on the white. So I can rejoice always, in all circumstance.

Any such thing as too much hope?

I feel like my heart is a balloon.

And hope the breath that fills it. 

I am naturally a very hopeful person, so that balloon was filled from day one. It has had it's small leaks, but it has floated along in life, sailing on the winds God gave me. 

After a big leak, God patched me up and filled be with hope again, and I learned how to stay away from places that punctured me, robbed hope from me, and I learned how to stay afloat high in His sky.

And as I floated higher I was filled with more hope. 

And the balloon grew bigger, and bigger. 

Bigger than ever before, bigger than ever imagined. 

But.

The balloon is now stretched so thin.

I think it's going to pop.

I feel so thin.

Like I'm stretched and have no more of myself to spread thinner.

Is it because hope is about to birth something, or am I meant to burst?

I'm not quite sure.

Nothing Good to Say

That's why I haven't said anything at all.

My reservoir of profound thoughts seemed to have drip, 

Drip,

Dripped away.

I don't remember them slipping away. 

Along with my creativity.

Along with my Umph.

Along with my drive.

Mere existence exhausts me most days. 

Why am I here. Again.

'Here' is on the couch, on days that end in Y.

At least I have adorable company.

When I grow up.....

I want to be just like her.

Did you ever say that?  

I've had a few really great role models but until lately I don't know if I've said 'just like her.' Sure there are role models I have where I really admire them but typically it's a handful of attributes I would want to emulate. 

In the last 2 years God brought into my life 2 women who I was slowly getting to know better, and as I did I saw someone I increasingly desired to model myself after. It was about a year ago I realized I really wanted to intentionally seek out a source relationship, someone who could mentor me, especially spiritually. I felt one of these two women could definitely be that source, I just had to be patient and let God do the networking, that's how I would know it was the right fit. Trouble is, when you find a woman like that, and she's a few years older than me (12-20ish) she already has quite the community surrounding her, so moving into deeper relationship moved slowly.

And so I waited patiently.  I saw a deep affection was building, especially when life got hard six months ago. That's when both of these relationships really took a step deeper, yet I knew the timing wasn't quite right to initiate something more intentional.  Life started getting more challenging for both these women in February and the time they had available shrunk. Our connection times were fewer and while our moments together couldn't afford going any deeper, what moments we did have were still strong and encouraging. 

And so I waited patiently.  And then in May we found out one of these women's challenges would mean they were moving back to the USA. It was unexpected and not planned, but their family circumstance dictated the move. And not only did I lose a friend and potential source, but her husband has been Sean's source and mentor for the last 2 years. But life happens, and we knew God was moving evidently in their circumstances, so I made peace with the bittersweet goodbye.

And so I waited patiently. Meanwhile, my other friend's life was also getting more challenging, I hardly saw her at all since February, with a daughter's illness, father-in-law's passing, and then needing a break so they took a few weeks to visit family in BC. Shortly after returning in early July she suffered a seizure due to an aneurysm. As I mentioned last week, she didn't survive it. 

From what I knew of her before her passing, I knew this loss was significant. From what I know of her now, since her funeral, the loss is even more substantial. I found out so many amazing things about her from tributes that showed me how perfect she would have been as that source relationship. Even small things.  Like she wears her heart on her sleeve, like I do, and she couldn't and didn't want to hide her emotions.  Like she felt things deeply, something that has been said about me in those exact terms. And like attributes I've wanted to flourish more in my life, she had them in spades! Like what kind of co-worker she was and what kind of mother she was. And like her education (slightly different than her job, so I didn't know about) which is exactly what I have had a passion for and recently a nudge to possibly pursue. I actually started taking notes during her tributes, because it was like a they were describing a template for the me I've wanted to be. 

And so it makes me wonder even more why she was taken away so soon. But as was said very frequently during her funeral, her spirit lives on in us, and I know that I have taken that to heart and I intend to take that up as a personal challenge. In fact, I actually have a tattoo scheduled in a week, a burning heart on my 'sleeve'. It represents that I wear my heart on my sleeve, and that I feel things deeply, what is imprinted on my heart burns with a deep passion, and I am on fire for those passions planted in my heart. This to me sums up what I learned from her life and so I am glad the timing of this tattoo is what it is (it's been hitting delays for 3 years), because now it is also partly a memorial tattoo. 

And so I don't really know where to go from here. And so I wait patiently. 

Sew What

I said at the beginning of the year I wanted to sew more this year, which meant I should probably get a sewing machine. In talking about my desire to sew, an acquaintance offered me her MIL's third sewing machine she didn't use anymore....for free! That was back in March-ish and I finally used it!

This is me forming a large pillowcase from 2, to fit a large sponge pillow I'm using to elevate myself at night, which helps with my breathing. 

This is my home-maker attire, white dress and pearls :)

Now that I've broken it in, I can start on that pile of projects....when I have the time!