Well, my sabbatical from working is nearing it's end, I am more than half way through, and there is the possibility of a job soon, I am one of the short listed candidates so we'll see, I could be working very shortly! I was sitting enjoying a quiet, contemplative moment and started taking stock on how much this time has meant to me, and how much my health and well-being has improved from this reprieve. So I thought, I should really document this, hopefully not because it will be the only time I'll experience it all, but to inspire me to stay feeling this great!
One of my first orders of business was to start running consistently again, I have a marathon in June I want to run but also I wanted to prove to myself work was not just an excuse :) I wanted to strengthen the self-discipline muscle so that by the time I had to start working again running would be an enjoyment and I would want to prioritize it to keep it in my busier schedule. Other than the weeks I was sick and the week between Christmas and New Year's I have run minimum 90 minutes, and aimed for 135 minutes every week. Recently I've tried to up that a little to get more stamina and endurance, as I'll be trying to run more than double the length I've been currently running in the marathon. I haven't lost weight but I definitely feel stronger, I have better stamina, I have better cardiovascular strength, I don't get winded as easily, all great improvements!
Another top priority for me was to make a new meal plan. In the fall I had been studying more about food, both from a spiritual aspect and furthering my knowledge of nutritional needs, and also wanting to try to lower our food budget, not to mention keep the meals easy morning, noon and night so I don't feel the need to rely on faster foods when I'm back to work. I have finished it and have felt very good on it. As I said, I haven't lost weight, I haven't fully implemented this plan yet and I've been a bit indulgent since my year of forfeiting food luxuries is up, plus eating out a lot when I've been socializing during this time off. But, I'm trying to reign myself back in starting this week so I don't suffer shock if I end up back to work in a few weeks.
I think I've mentioned over the years, and the last few months before my layoff, about the chronic neck and back pain I deal with, and have most of my life, but especially in my last position. I was to the point I was going to physio for the first time in my life, in addition to monthly chiropractor and massage therapy. One week after my layoff my physiotherapist already saw enough improvement he suggested I wait a month and decide to come back if needed then. I haven't returned. I still have attended my other monthly appointments, but haven't felt in dire need of them the few days leading up to them as I have for years. I still have a few moments of stiffness and achyness but my back has not been this good since my last layoff in 2006!
Another thing I chose to focus on during this time was keeping a schedule and staying well rested, not treating this time off like I would a vacation. I go to bed the same time as Sean, get up the same time as Sean, and have done a few other things to add to improvement of my sleep. I have noticed I have not needed coffee to stay awake like I was keeping the same schedule working....except school nights :) I hardly wake up or toss and turn through the night anymore. All without any medication I might add, in case that's what you thought I might have added, which the main thing I did is wear a sleep mask to keep out the light! I think also, the lack of having stress to tumble through my brain has made for less restlessness.
An unintentional change I decided to make was creating a better skin care regimen. Being a larger woman I experience stretch marks and especially in winter the dry, itchy skin I get around them can be quite bothersome. I decided I should take much better care of my skin so that I could minimize that, but also to maybe help improve appearance and texture. It's amazing what a difference you can feel about your body when you have soft, supple skin :) I researched quality soaps & lotions for a decent cost, made my own all natural & edible exfoliant, and created a routine that was not a lot of extra time in the shower. I created my own mixture of hand repair lotions too for my dry hands and poor cuticles and weak nails and my hands are doing great this winter!
Another unexpected benefit has been that I've needed my glasses less the last few months. My glasses are only necessary because I have one slightly far sighted and one slightly near sighted eye, they conflict when trying to read or look at writing on screens, they even said for watching t.v. when I got them at 15. So I wear them most of the time because these days, when are you not looking at a screen of some sort. I decided after a week of not working to try not putting them on first thing in the morning, to see how I feel. I've tried this on weekends and can often make it through one day, but usually my eyes get sore and tired for sure the second day, sometimes both days. I have ended up wearing my glasses only about 3 out of 85 days! What a blessing that has been this winter, I hate the many challenges of glasses wearing in winter!
Lastly, and most importantly, my spiritual health has been vastly improved. It may have taken me longer to really focus on making that happen during this time, but I started the new year with a new priority, to abide in God and everything else is secondary. Devotional time comes first. Health of my heart and my spirit come before the health of my body and relationships. It's been a long time since I have felt so at peace. There are still external and internal struggles I'm dealing with, but every morning I take the opportunity to lay them before God, reflect on what His Word has to say about it, and then focus on how I can submit them to Him and how He is equipping me to serve Him more fully. Just like there is a decision and a choice I make to love my husband in a way that will bring us intimacy and deeper love, there is I choice I make to love God like that. I choose to feel He is the center of my heart, my best friend, my love, no matter what other choices try to tempt me to feel differently. I have decided. And that has brought the most well-being of all.
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
The Trickiness of Trios
While I'm talking about what I've learned from relationships, this year I've learned another relationship lesson, about the treasure of being part of a trio (not the singing kind), but also the trickiness of it.
The number three is one of the numbers that carries unspoken significance, like the rule of three. It can signify something good, it can signify something bad. In relationships it has it's moments with both.
The Trinity of course is the epitome, showing us there can be a sacredness to triune relationships. The threesome at the very least brings to mind the obvious intimacy imbalance. Most of us are far, far from either of those experiences however we sometimes get a glimpse of the harmony and the discord.
I have been a part of a few trios over the years, but growing up as one of three sisters has held the most lessons of the delicate balance of a three-sided relationship.
At first, as young siblings, the decks are stacked towards an equal balance in affection for each other. As kids we had the same exact upbringing, the same life experiences, the same people we live with shaping us, we were all in the same season of life - school/dependence, had mostly the same social circles and developed similar hobbies and interests.
Of course, we were kids, the 'still growing into our maturity' often tanked the equality. There is also the dynamic of growing up that involves testing out boundaries in relationships, learning to assert our identities. And don't forget plain old taking loved ones for granted, choosing 'me' over 'us'. That meant it was frequently 2 vs 1, but at least the 2 and 1 were fairly equally rotated. :)
Then, within a couple of years, circumstances all changed. Our common experiences slowed, the distance grew but at least so had our maturity, and so, the balance returned. We had a lot of common interests between the 3 of us, then I had some with my sister Jodi that I didn't have with Tami, and vice versa, but still all very fairly distributed. Gatherings were time for the 3 of us, and throughout the rest of the year it once again rotated between 2 out of 3 of us, but no taking sides this time, just dependent on who could travel the distance to spend time together.
That is until circumstances changed again. Tami and I ended up sharing a common experience of infertility. That was the starting point of a deeper connection, the more we shared our heart about that it seemed the more the Holy Spirit was moving in us and through us to help each other, and our spiritual connection grew deeper as well. In our eyes, I don't think it ever shifted the balance, we loved and valued Jodi no less, we made no less time for her. But then again, we weren't the one whose connection wasn't growing deeper.
One day the reality of trios and their inevitable lopsidedness became very real. The fact is, amongst humans, a completely equal three-sided relationship is impossible. Once you accept that, when you are the one who feels the imbalance, you have two choices:
1) You can decide that you value the tri-bond over your own desires to be preferred.
2) You can let envy squash the bond, becoming jealous and competitive.
Essentially that's what it comes down to, the person who feels the imbalance doesn't feel as important as the other two are to each other.
But then, when it becomes known to the other two, they also have two choices.
1) You can address it honestly
2) You can pretend it isn't happening
Of course, either of those responses are no guarantee of a positive outcome. Like the saying 'it takes two', in this situation, it takes three.
Boundaries of course come into play as well, we have to take responsibility for our actions, our expectations, our feelings, and if you are trying to make any of these the responsibility of someone else, relationships in general will not work well. A trio is no different, and actually can make it more evident and a bigger point of contention.
So, with that in mind, when the two of us became aware, we brought up a discussion because we wanted to strengthen our friendship rather than letting this weaken it. We acknowledged that Jodi had the right to feel the way she felt, however also explained we were not in control or responsible for her feeling less important. We clarified how we perceived the situation, and that we loved and valued her no less in our minds. We also explained it wasn't fair to ask us to defer our one-on-one relationship, especially since we all had one, and in fact, Jodi & Tami spent a lot more one-on-one time than I did with either of them.
As we discussed it a few things became evident. There was only one solution if Jodi were going to hold our actions responsible for the separation she felt, and if we were going to take ownership of how she chose to feel, we'd have to try to shut down our connection, which would only serve to take away her responsibility to deal with her own feelings and expectations. This was not an option.
So we continued talking and something else became evident, being able to be mature and talk about our feelings, in an honest and vulnerable way, not only brought us closer, in and of itself, but it led us to initiate deeper connections in other ways that would strengthen our tri-bond and de-emphasize the bond Tami and I had without actually making it less important or feeling like a competition. Now, we're even closer than ever.
Sisters are of course not exactly the same dynamics of unrelated friendships, because I think the playing field can be much more even without the added rivalry friendships can have, adding titles like 'best' and 'bestie', or having friendships in different arenas and stages of life, etc. I don't know if the self-doubt ever fully stops, but now when I feel that bitterness arise in my own chest, that insecurity that I can't compete, I stop myself.
I stop myself from going down that rabbit hole and I draw strength from the foundation of great friendships I've had/have, where I have experienced the intimacy of being deeply important in each others lives. AND, I need to allow others the space to find that as well.
Even in a trio. Especially in a trio.
It doesn't lessen my bond. It doesn't lessen my value. In fact, as I've found out first hand, quite the contrary, that kind of maturity increases them.
The number three is one of the numbers that carries unspoken significance, like the rule of three. It can signify something good, it can signify something bad. In relationships it has it's moments with both.
The Trinity of course is the epitome, showing us there can be a sacredness to triune relationships. The threesome at the very least brings to mind the obvious intimacy imbalance. Most of us are far, far from either of those experiences however we sometimes get a glimpse of the harmony and the discord.
I have been a part of a few trios over the years, but growing up as one of three sisters has held the most lessons of the delicate balance of a three-sided relationship.
At first, as young siblings, the decks are stacked towards an equal balance in affection for each other. As kids we had the same exact upbringing, the same life experiences, the same people we live with shaping us, we were all in the same season of life - school/dependence, had mostly the same social circles and developed similar hobbies and interests.
Of course, we were kids, the 'still growing into our maturity' often tanked the equality. There is also the dynamic of growing up that involves testing out boundaries in relationships, learning to assert our identities. And don't forget plain old taking loved ones for granted, choosing 'me' over 'us'. That meant it was frequently 2 vs 1, but at least the 2 and 1 were fairly equally rotated. :)
Then, within a couple of years, circumstances all changed. Our common experiences slowed, the distance grew but at least so had our maturity, and so, the balance returned. We had a lot of common interests between the 3 of us, then I had some with my sister Jodi that I didn't have with Tami, and vice versa, but still all very fairly distributed. Gatherings were time for the 3 of us, and throughout the rest of the year it once again rotated between 2 out of 3 of us, but no taking sides this time, just dependent on who could travel the distance to spend time together.
That is until circumstances changed again. Tami and I ended up sharing a common experience of infertility. That was the starting point of a deeper connection, the more we shared our heart about that it seemed the more the Holy Spirit was moving in us and through us to help each other, and our spiritual connection grew deeper as well. In our eyes, I don't think it ever shifted the balance, we loved and valued Jodi no less, we made no less time for her. But then again, we weren't the one whose connection wasn't growing deeper.
One day the reality of trios and their inevitable lopsidedness became very real. The fact is, amongst humans, a completely equal three-sided relationship is impossible. Once you accept that, when you are the one who feels the imbalance, you have two choices:
1) You can decide that you value the tri-bond over your own desires to be preferred.
2) You can let envy squash the bond, becoming jealous and competitive.
Essentially that's what it comes down to, the person who feels the imbalance doesn't feel as important as the other two are to each other.
But then, when it becomes known to the other two, they also have two choices.
1) You can address it honestly
2) You can pretend it isn't happening
Of course, either of those responses are no guarantee of a positive outcome. Like the saying 'it takes two', in this situation, it takes three.
Boundaries of course come into play as well, we have to take responsibility for our actions, our expectations, our feelings, and if you are trying to make any of these the responsibility of someone else, relationships in general will not work well. A trio is no different, and actually can make it more evident and a bigger point of contention.
So, with that in mind, when the two of us became aware, we brought up a discussion because we wanted to strengthen our friendship rather than letting this weaken it. We acknowledged that Jodi had the right to feel the way she felt, however also explained we were not in control or responsible for her feeling less important. We clarified how we perceived the situation, and that we loved and valued her no less in our minds. We also explained it wasn't fair to ask us to defer our one-on-one relationship, especially since we all had one, and in fact, Jodi & Tami spent a lot more one-on-one time than I did with either of them.
As we discussed it a few things became evident. There was only one solution if Jodi were going to hold our actions responsible for the separation she felt, and if we were going to take ownership of how she chose to feel, we'd have to try to shut down our connection, which would only serve to take away her responsibility to deal with her own feelings and expectations. This was not an option.
So we continued talking and something else became evident, being able to be mature and talk about our feelings, in an honest and vulnerable way, not only brought us closer, in and of itself, but it led us to initiate deeper connections in other ways that would strengthen our tri-bond and de-emphasize the bond Tami and I had without actually making it less important or feeling like a competition. Now, we're even closer than ever.
Sisters are of course not exactly the same dynamics of unrelated friendships, because I think the playing field can be much more even without the added rivalry friendships can have, adding titles like 'best' and 'bestie', or having friendships in different arenas and stages of life, etc. I don't know if the self-doubt ever fully stops, but now when I feel that bitterness arise in my own chest, that insecurity that I can't compete, I stop myself.
I stop myself from going down that rabbit hole and I draw strength from the foundation of great friendships I've had/have, where I have experienced the intimacy of being deeply important in each others lives. AND, I need to allow others the space to find that as well.
Even in a trio. Especially in a trio.
It doesn't lessen my bond. It doesn't lessen my value. In fact, as I've found out first hand, quite the contrary, that kind of maturity increases them.
Saturday, January 10, 2015
To Mothers, From an Un-Mother
I was forwarded a blog post today from a great friend who happens to be
a mother.
It is from the perspective of a mother, who never had the struggle of
trying for children, all 3 came easily to her. She writes about an important
lesson she learned the first pregnancy, when she was full of joy and
broadcasting it to the world. Some people just can't share in that joy, no
matter how much they would like to.
She made several really great points. One being, infertility is often
suffered in silence, so very often those around them are unaware of the pain
they face, over and over again, each month. It is mostly a hidden grief so many
people are oblivious to the impact of their declarations of parent-appropriate
emotions. Second she acknowledged her own struggle with empathy even once she did
know, and admitted her desire to have her feelings trump those of the infertile
friend. This was her own personal experience but one I know that isn't an
isolated situation.
The summary of the blog was to encourage mothers in particular to be
sensitive, understand the continual pain, and to try not to do anything that just
adds to the grief. I appreciate that sentiment, thank you. But I really hoped my friend who had sent the post hasn't been burdened
with guilt for her sharing pregnancy joy
and toddler trials. So now I wanted to offer my own words to mothers from the
other side, and hope other people battling infertility will consider these
words as well.
Over the nine years of trying without success to be a mother I have
encountered many different responses from women who are mothers but I have also
encountered quite a few infertile women as well, and I have learned that
mothers are not the only ones at fault for the hurt feelings that happen around
infertility.
We who fall under the label infertile, even for a season, sometimes choose our feelings over friendship,
and we act like we have cornered the market on pain and strife.
We who can't be labelled mommy can let jealousy, envy and resentment
cloud our ability to see mothers as just woman who have different struggles than
us, but struggles just the same.
We who have empty wombs and arms can be so harshly judgemental for no
other reason than our target was able to get pregnant and give birth, something
they have no more control over than we have control over our inability.
The blog author mentioned she wanted her joy to trump the sorrow of the
one who couldn't be a mother, but at times I have wanted my struggle to trump
the struggle every mother goes through.
It took awhile for me to realize how unfair that was but it finally
dawned on me, I don't compare any other pain, I don't begrudge someone dealing
with anorexia because I have a problem with over eating. Hardships of
motherhood are just as difficult as the hardships of infertility. I'm sorry to
say my final lesson that hammered that home was learned at the expense of my
sister, who had her own journey through infertility for 5 years, but when she
had her first son and it wasn't an easy birth or newborn phase, and she didn't even
complain, but as she shared her difficulties, my immediate reaction was to
resent that her gratitude didn't automatically overcome her distress. It was
then my eyes opened to just how insensitive I could be to moms, how insensitive
a lot of infertile women could be to mothers.
I realize it's part of the society we live in, people tend to fall into
ignorance to the impact of what they say or elevate the importance of our own
feelings, but that doesn't excuse it, or help maintain healthy relationships. And there seems to be a
growing hyper sensitivity increasing rather than just compassionate sensitivity
around this area in particular.
Granted, it would be nice to have people consider my feelings before
they say something like 'if you want kids so bad you can have my brats', but I
never want a friend to feel like they have to walk on egg shells around me or
feel like they can't share the reality of their life with me, because then I am
not being a good friend, or a friend at all really. My feelings are not more
important and do not negate the feelings of my friends. It hasn't been as hard
to change how I choose to react and feel about it now that I am aware.
And maybe I'm also really lucky that I have pretty amazing friends who
really do respect and honor my feelings, and feel them with me, and so it makes
it easy to value them over holding tightly to my pain. I am a lucky girl.
Saturday, January 3, 2015
The Good, The Bad, and The Good!
Good.
I started off 2014 with far fewer goals than in years past.
Bad.
I didn't 100% accomplish any of them.
Good.
I'm totally ok with that :)
Good.
One of my goals was to improve photography creative skills with my phone camera.
Bad.
It lasted all of 4 months.
Good.
I ended up taking way more Instagram photos than last year, including way more selfies which is not easy for me. Check them out at @Loriala77
Good.
One of my goals was to eat healthier, especially cutting out all my luxury food, baked desserts, chips, and drinking anything but water.
Bad.
I cheated all but one month, and threw a few months of healthy eating out the window all together.
Good.
Last 4 months have been back on track, with new tools and resolve, and intend on continuing a highly reduced luxury food lifestyle. Also, will be donating $275 from my luxury forfeit project to donate to a clean water charity.
Good.
Goal to honor Sean, and start including 'undates' for more quality time together.
Bad.
My week of blessing Sean around his birthday was interrupted by a wedding, only managed 4 days. And the intentionality of undates AND dates stopped, because I got too caught up in expecting what I wanted from them, not treating them like a time of connection.
Good.
When I stopped trying to plan dates altogether, Sean surprised me by picking up the ball and taking ownership for initiating both dates and undates the rest of the year!
Good.
Plan for continued minimization, trying to declutter life and especially my home.
Bad.
In a whole year, still haven't completely emptied and got rid of the craft room I no longer use. Also didn't shop as much at thrift stores as I'd have liked to.
Good.
I have sold about 80% of my craft supplies, and made a plan for a new, small, creating nook upstairs, and whatever cannot fit into that from the old craft room will be donated somewhere. I did one month wearing one article of clothing again, this time a sweater, and absolutely no clothing purchases that month.
Good.
God planted new purposes in me over the last few months of 2013 and laid one in front of me Jan 2014, leading a support group for infertility.
Bad.
3 women showed up, once each, one looking to help the ministry, not for support. Group cancelled.
Good.
God directed me to school to start my journey towards becoming a counsellor! He also laid on my heart to create and lead a study for young women, transitioning into adulthood and spiritual maturity. And just in the last week He opened a door to co-lead a support group for women where the leader is a professional therapist and I can learn sooooo much from her!
Good.
I don't think I recorded this as a goal, but creativity is always on my heart and I'm always looking for ways to work out my inspirations in art.
Bad.
Photography was not the end result of this endeavor this year as I had hoped.
Good.
I started collage painting again, even putting them up for sale! I also ended the year picking up sketching and water painting again, thanks to a convo with my sis Tami. Haven't done either in 16 years but love it! Here is my second sketch in as many weeks.
Good.
Began the year on a fertility drug I hoped would finally be the answer.
Bad.
It was not and reaked havoc on my body. Also, felt God asking me to release every form of control in trying for a baby. None of it has worked in almost 9 years, I should place every bit of it in His hands.
Good.
For the most part, the 4 months I have stopped tracking of any kind have been the most peace filled months of trying I have had yet (not including the last 2 weeks of December :( ).
Good.
I began the year determined to fight for my hope and my faith.
Bad.
I was indeed actually fighting a battle for this all year long. Felt like a failure at getting closer to God most of the year.
Good.
I realized I had to fight for my faith first, not my hope. Time with Jesus, like Jesus dates, and devotionals, and Bible studies, and becoming a more intentional disciple are my top priorities this coming year!
All in all, I may not have accomplished my goals set out for 2014 but accomplished much more actually.
'The human heart plans it's course, but the Lord determines our steps.' Proverbs 16:9.
Friday, January 2, 2015
In With The New 2015
Over the years I have described times of emptying, where I felt like my life was being emptied, or even that my own self was being emptied, and while I knew it was in order to be filled again, that feeling of having a void is not a comfortable one.
But with every emptying I had felt I was given something to fill me back up again.
Hope. Love. Purpose. Friendship.
And I was good.
For a while.
I wondered why the emptying feeling had to keep coming back though.
Why couldn't I just stay filled and satisfied?
Each time I chose to seek out God.
To ask why. To request a refill. To sustain me. To show me what I need to do.
Please Lord just fill me again, whatever that takes.
2014 was another emptying year.
Everything seemed to ebb more than flow.
Hope. Love. Purpose. Friendship.
With every subtraction in my life I grew more and more needy.
My focus became more and more about how to get the refills.
I spent so much time this year impatient and demanding.
I asked God first for the refills.
Then I tried it my own way.
Then I went back to God, pleading to be filled.
I got angry at God for leaving me so empty.
The more I concentrated on filling the void the bigger it became.
It was like a black hole, the more of my focus it ate, the bigger it grew.
As I thought about 2015, what it would hold, what years beyond this could hold, I realized the void could remain for a long time yet to come. I realized even if I got what I wanted, there could still be a void. Even in the best moments of 2014 there was still a void.
That's when it hit me.
Each time I've been emptied, it was to make room for God.
It's a hole that can never be filled with anything but God.
Each time I started to fill it with God.
But then I began to fill it with promises of the life He wanted to give me instead.
But the life He wants to give me will only result from filling up on Him.
Even though I turned to Him each time, it was not for the sake of relationship, but in order to receive.
Somewhere last year my desperation derailed me and His gifts became the priority instead of his presence.
So. 2015, you lie before me a blank slate in so many ways.
I have no idea where you will take me.
You may take away just as much as you give, or more.
But this year, I will not be emptied.
My only priority is to fill the void.
But with every emptying I had felt I was given something to fill me back up again.
Hope. Love. Purpose. Friendship.
And I was good.
For a while.
I wondered why the emptying feeling had to keep coming back though.
Why couldn't I just stay filled and satisfied?
Each time I chose to seek out God.
To ask why. To request a refill. To sustain me. To show me what I need to do.
Please Lord just fill me again, whatever that takes.
2014 was another emptying year.
Everything seemed to ebb more than flow.
Hope. Love. Purpose. Friendship.
With every subtraction in my life I grew more and more needy.
My focus became more and more about how to get the refills.
I spent so much time this year impatient and demanding.
I asked God first for the refills.
Then I tried it my own way.
Then I went back to God, pleading to be filled.
I got angry at God for leaving me so empty.
The more I concentrated on filling the void the bigger it became.
It was like a black hole, the more of my focus it ate, the bigger it grew.
As I thought about 2015, what it would hold, what years beyond this could hold, I realized the void could remain for a long time yet to come. I realized even if I got what I wanted, there could still be a void. Even in the best moments of 2014 there was still a void.
That's when it hit me.
Each time I've been emptied, it was to make room for God.
It's a hole that can never be filled with anything but God.
Each time I started to fill it with God.
But then I began to fill it with promises of the life He wanted to give me instead.
But the life He wants to give me will only result from filling up on Him.
Even though I turned to Him each time, it was not for the sake of relationship, but in order to receive.
Somewhere last year my desperation derailed me and His gifts became the priority instead of his presence.
So. 2015, you lie before me a blank slate in so many ways.
I have no idea where you will take me.
You may take away just as much as you give, or more.
But this year, I will not be emptied.
My only priority is to fill the void.
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Out with the Old 2014
2014
1 job lost
2 new mentors
1 new Etsy shop
11 years married
1 month in 1 sweater
6 years at Riverwood
2 counselling students
6 weeks teal hair streak
1 epic wedding weekend
3 road trips in 4 months
1 new ministry, 2 new roles
1 cancer fighting fundraiser
12 months luxury food
forfeit
4 long distance friends
visited
4 last months of
fertility treatment
Hello
2015
Monday, December 22, 2014
All I Wanna Be Is Done
The last four Novembers my posts have looked a lot like this.
I'm am so over this year.
I want next year now please.
Maybe next year will be better.
Early November, I thought this year would be no different.
There were of course some great moments too:
As full of gratitude for those lovely cherished moments as I was, by first week of November I was....as I already said a few posts ago....at the end of my rope with my job and with waiting. I felt like I was waiting for everything. I'd been feeling this way last year this time too.
Then, as you know, I was laid off mid-November.
In a way it was just a small change. I still have to wait for employment that God is leading me towards, but at least I wasn't waiting in misery and now I'm waiting in freedom!
In a way it was a huge change. My gratitude for God, blessing me in the way He did, ballooned and gratitude is definitely an antidote for attitude. My patience was renewed for other things I'm waiting for.
That was 5+ weeks ago. I've been happy and grateful and patient through that entire time, looking forward to the holidays and in no rush to be rid of 2014 nor begging for that 'clean slate.'
Until Friday.
In a way it was just a small thing. It was a month I didn't expect to get pregnant anyway. I was sufficiently distracted during the time I expected to get that news.
Then suddenly it became a huge thing. I won't go into details but suffice it to say I feel like my body is toying with me. I went through the emotional rollercoaster of believing I was pregnant and then not pregnant 3 times in 8 days. With each time the hope just grew and grew and grew.
Because it's Christmas, and like a few other annual celebrations, it is a reminder there is still just two of us in our family picture.
Because it's 13 days away from our nine year anniversary of chasing this dream.
Because this is the year we finally stopped trying....to help God....with conception.
Because 2014 was supposed to be the year, and it wasn't only I who heard it this time.
I'm at the point I just don't know anymore.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know how to feel.
By now I know 2015 will not magically make me 'all better'. But I'm still done with 2014.
I'm am so over this year.
I want next year now please.
Maybe next year will be better.
Early November, I thought this year would be no different.
- A job I was fed up with.
- The infertility support group flopped.
- Stopped all conception aids.
- Christian community shrinking.
- Best friend moved away.
- Friend diagnosed with cancer.
There were of course some great moments too:
- Starting running again.
- Starting school again.
- Deeper marital connection and happiness.
- The chance to lead an infertility support group.
- 3 fantastic vacation road trips.
- Maid of Honor for my bestie.
- Friend now cancer free.
- Starting painting again.
- Many meaningful connections with family & friends.
- A potential new ministry God is calling me to.
As full of gratitude for those lovely cherished moments as I was, by first week of November I was....as I already said a few posts ago....at the end of my rope with my job and with waiting. I felt like I was waiting for everything. I'd been feeling this way last year this time too.
Then, as you know, I was laid off mid-November.
In a way it was just a small change. I still have to wait for employment that God is leading me towards, but at least I wasn't waiting in misery and now I'm waiting in freedom!
In a way it was a huge change. My gratitude for God, blessing me in the way He did, ballooned and gratitude is definitely an antidote for attitude. My patience was renewed for other things I'm waiting for.
That was 5+ weeks ago. I've been happy and grateful and patient through that entire time, looking forward to the holidays and in no rush to be rid of 2014 nor begging for that 'clean slate.'
Until Friday.
In a way it was just a small thing. It was a month I didn't expect to get pregnant anyway. I was sufficiently distracted during the time I expected to get that news.
Then suddenly it became a huge thing. I won't go into details but suffice it to say I feel like my body is toying with me. I went through the emotional rollercoaster of believing I was pregnant and then not pregnant 3 times in 8 days. With each time the hope just grew and grew and grew.
Because it's Christmas, and like a few other annual celebrations, it is a reminder there is still just two of us in our family picture.
Because it's 13 days away from our nine year anniversary of chasing this dream.
Because this is the year we finally stopped trying....to help God....with conception.
Because 2014 was supposed to be the year, and it wasn't only I who heard it this time.
I'm at the point I just don't know anymore.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know how to feel.
By now I know 2015 will not magically make me 'all better'. But I'm still done with 2014.
Thursday, November 20, 2014
Life of a House Wife
10 Things this new house wife does:
2. Creates personal house wife dress code
1. Dyes a chunk of her hair teal
Already had plans for this, just wasn't sure how much I was going to do or when. Free time solved that :)
Already had plans for this, just wasn't sure how much I was going to do or when. Free time solved that :)
2. Creates personal house wife dress code
Some options could have been the dress, apron & heels. Or sweats. Or the yoga pants, hoodie, messy bun. I went somewhere in between, with the comfy factor meshed with the 'not ashamed to be seen like this in public'. A few of my fav comfy outfits for work were long tunic sweaters and leggings/jeggings, so I got a few more of each at thrift stores and now I am set, pairing them with my many awesome boots!
3. Keeps the T.V. off
It does not get turned on until I have returned from picking Sean up from work at the end of the day. Not that I've been home much, maybe 50% of the time. When I AM working on my computer at various endeavors, planning and preparing, I crank up the K-Love (awesome online radio station).
4. Keeps a schedule
Having only one vehicle and not wanting to increase expenses, I am still driving Sean to and from work everyday. This also gives me a reason and a time to get out of bed every morning. And a time frame in which to accomplish my tasks for the day as well.
5. Bakes a pie
I again already had plans for this, like a month ago, for Sean's birthday, but he chose brownies instead at the time, so I saved the ingredients for a future date. 3 days into freedom, he got his pie. I told him, happy wife, happy life is true!
I again already had plans for this, like a month ago, for Sean's birthday, but he chose brownies instead at the time, so I saved the ingredients for a future date. 3 days into freedom, he got his pie. I told him, happy wife, happy life is true!
6. Eats less
Seriously, this one is surprising. I thought unlimited time and access to food would make it irresistible to munch all day long. Quite the opposite, I have been so focused on my to-do list (which hasn't been all work, have been hanging out with some friends too) that I have some days forgotten to eat. Sean reminded me an eating schedule would be beneficial to keep :)
7. Exercises
7. Exercises
I made the excuse time was pretty much the only reason I wasn't exercising more. So now I am determined to validate that excuse by scheduling in exercise time every other day. I am starting slow so I don't burn myself out too soon, but I have stuck to my schedule so far!
8. Socializes
Another area of life that I wanted more of but had not enough time for. I have a long list of people I want to hang out with, near and far :) I have already managed a few dates and many more getting booked in the calendar.
Another area of life that I wanted more of but had not enough time for. I have a long list of people I want to hang out with, near and far :) I have already managed a few dates and many more getting booked in the calendar.
9. Volunteers
I haven't started this yet, but there are quite a few avenues and types of volunteering I intend to partake in over the next few months, some will be increasing what I already do, some will be school related, some will stop in a few months, some might keep going. I am excited for the opportunities that I will have!
I haven't started this yet, but there are quite a few avenues and types of volunteering I intend to partake in over the next few months, some will be increasing what I already do, some will be school related, some will stop in a few months, some might keep going. I am excited for the opportunities that I will have!
10. Starts a business
I always wanted to combine a creative endeavor with stay-at-home-momming (when time allowed). Time is needed to really put a valiant effort into making a living, even a part-time living, off of being an artist. I didn't think I would have that until I had kids entering a slightly independent season, but here I am with just enough time to see what I can do. So here's what I did!
I always wanted to combine a creative endeavor with stay-at-home-momming (when time allowed). Time is needed to really put a valiant effort into making a living, even a part-time living, off of being an artist. I didn't think I would have that until I had kids entering a slightly independent season, but here I am with just enough time to see what I can do. So here's what I did!
Wednesday, November 19, 2014
Don't Have the Time to be Sorry
It has been exactly one week.
One week since my prayers (some of them anyway) have been answered.
I've been praying them since March.
How much longer God?
How much more do I have to endure?
For those that don't know, work has been a real difficult situation the last 8+ months. New boss in January. Didn't make good first impressions. Shook things up in March.
Legally I am not allowed to disparage them in anyway or my contract for salary extension will be retracted. But suffice it to say some decisions were made that affected me very negatively. My stress was high, my anxiety was back, depression came to light, existing back pain quite aggravated.
I was constantly asking God when I could leave. Silence for the longest time. Many occasions I looked for another job but nothing ever gave me peace. I began to plan for an exit by next March. When it got bad, I moved that up to Christmas. Then feeling no peace about that, went back to asking, when can I leave?!?
Then, I thought I felt Him say stay. Luckily distraction set in full force the next month. Then I took a vacation. Then I began a plan with my doctor on reduced work hours for my back pain. But even though things settled down again, even had a slight upturn, I just was so tired of waiting for everything. Especially since I knew this job was nearing an end, I could just feel it, I just wasn't sure how much longer I could wait for God's plan to unfold. So I asked again. This time I was sure I heard stay. I could never get a why. Just stay.
That was November 7th. The next 3 days of work were some of the best I've had in months. I'd finally let go and just trusted the 'stay'.
November 12th I was laid off. With quite enough severance. I felt not only like my prayers were answered but I was super blessed. It was the best scenario that could have happened. I have so much more freedom and potential now than if I quit.
Many people keep making sure I am ok. I am :) I have learned from other lay-off what not to do, and one of them is not to get stuck in the past. There were great things about my job that I have to leave behind. Most of all friends and financial security. But life is too short to get hung up on the what ifs. There isn't time to be sorry.
And.
God had this up His sleeve. He has something in store for me. This was perfectly planned or I would have been able to leave months ago.
For the last few weeks a song has played excessively on the radio. I am convinced no one else is hearing it as often as I have. For a reason. It's for me. The key lyrics are:
Take your shot it might be scary
There’s no one standing in your way
We don’t have to be ordinary
Make your best mistakes
‘Cause we don’t have the time to be sorry
I am waiting, heart wide open to what 'my shot' is. What my 'un-ordinary' is. What my mistakes will be. I don't intend to be sorry.
One week since my prayers (some of them anyway) have been answered.
I've been praying them since March.
How much longer God?
How much more do I have to endure?
For those that don't know, work has been a real difficult situation the last 8+ months. New boss in January. Didn't make good first impressions. Shook things up in March.
Legally I am not allowed to disparage them in anyway or my contract for salary extension will be retracted. But suffice it to say some decisions were made that affected me very negatively. My stress was high, my anxiety was back, depression came to light, existing back pain quite aggravated.
I was constantly asking God when I could leave. Silence for the longest time. Many occasions I looked for another job but nothing ever gave me peace. I began to plan for an exit by next March. When it got bad, I moved that up to Christmas. Then feeling no peace about that, went back to asking, when can I leave?!?
Then, I thought I felt Him say stay. Luckily distraction set in full force the next month. Then I took a vacation. Then I began a plan with my doctor on reduced work hours for my back pain. But even though things settled down again, even had a slight upturn, I just was so tired of waiting for everything. Especially since I knew this job was nearing an end, I could just feel it, I just wasn't sure how much longer I could wait for God's plan to unfold. So I asked again. This time I was sure I heard stay. I could never get a why. Just stay.
That was November 7th. The next 3 days of work were some of the best I've had in months. I'd finally let go and just trusted the 'stay'.
November 12th I was laid off. With quite enough severance. I felt not only like my prayers were answered but I was super blessed. It was the best scenario that could have happened. I have so much more freedom and potential now than if I quit.
Many people keep making sure I am ok. I am :) I have learned from other lay-off what not to do, and one of them is not to get stuck in the past. There were great things about my job that I have to leave behind. Most of all friends and financial security. But life is too short to get hung up on the what ifs. There isn't time to be sorry.
And.
God had this up His sleeve. He has something in store for me. This was perfectly planned or I would have been able to leave months ago.
For the last few weeks a song has played excessively on the radio. I am convinced no one else is hearing it as often as I have. For a reason. It's for me. The key lyrics are:
Take your shot it might be scary
There’s no one standing in your way
We don’t have to be ordinary
Make your best mistakes
‘Cause we don’t have the time to be sorry
I am waiting, heart wide open to what 'my shot' is. What my 'un-ordinary' is. What my mistakes will be. I don't intend to be sorry.
Wednesday, October 1, 2014
The One Sweater Project
Some of you may remember a time about 19 months ago when I wore one dress for 30 days and I really loved the spirit behind it and all I learned about myself, so I decided to do it again, except for instead of the One Dress Project, this time I switched it up and I'm doing One Sweater Project. I will be wearing a Little Black Sweater all of October.
The basic idea is for one whole month you will build all your outfits around one singledress sweater. You will put this article on in some way, shape,
or form, every time you get dressed. The focus behind this is to reduce
consumerism, conformity, excess, vanity, and increase sustainability,
contentment, simplicity, imagination.
For me in particular, my goals are:
Reduce consumerism and excess - Since the last challenge I quite returned to my indulgent shopping ways, and NOT just at thrift stores. I have become very aware of my tendency to make myself feel better through food and clothes in particular. I've been working really hard in 2014 to change that so I knew I needed to do this challenge again. I have also been trying really hard to part ways with clothes I don't need and not replace them with more clothes I don't need. I'm hoping the reminder I can get through 30 days with a wardrobe consisting of only one sweater will help me reduce my excess.
Increase Sustainability and Contentment - Part of this challenge is that I am not allowed to buy anything new to help create new outfits, no new accessories to stretch out the outfits. In fact, the challenge would go so far as to not buy any clothes at all for the 30 day period, whether for this challenge or not. I fully intend to do that again. I want to be content with what I have. I want my life to be less about me and more about God. And less about me hopefully will also mean less about materialism. Even though I conscientiously recycle my clothing, my contribution to the clothing market is not helping the sustainability cause.
Trade Vanity for Imagination - I have realized I've become too concerned with how 'cute' I look in my outfits, hoping for external validation, rather than just enjoying my own sense of colour and style and the simple fun of using my imagination in this way. I love pairing colours and textures and getting dressed is really a creative outlet for me and I've seemed to have lost sight of that recently.
So, I embark on another 'One' Project, I hope you will join me and even are a little inspired to try a 'One' Project out yourself one day. You can follow me on Instagram @loriala77 or on my photo blog here.
The basic idea is for one whole month you will build all your outfits around one single
For me in particular, my goals are:
Reduce consumerism and excess - Since the last challenge I quite returned to my indulgent shopping ways, and NOT just at thrift stores. I have become very aware of my tendency to make myself feel better through food and clothes in particular. I've been working really hard in 2014 to change that so I knew I needed to do this challenge again. I have also been trying really hard to part ways with clothes I don't need and not replace them with more clothes I don't need. I'm hoping the reminder I can get through 30 days with a wardrobe consisting of only one sweater will help me reduce my excess.
Increase Sustainability and Contentment - Part of this challenge is that I am not allowed to buy anything new to help create new outfits, no new accessories to stretch out the outfits. In fact, the challenge would go so far as to not buy any clothes at all for the 30 day period, whether for this challenge or not. I fully intend to do that again. I want to be content with what I have. I want my life to be less about me and more about God. And less about me hopefully will also mean less about materialism. Even though I conscientiously recycle my clothing, my contribution to the clothing market is not helping the sustainability cause.
Trade Vanity for Imagination - I have realized I've become too concerned with how 'cute' I look in my outfits, hoping for external validation, rather than just enjoying my own sense of colour and style and the simple fun of using my imagination in this way. I love pairing colours and textures and getting dressed is really a creative outlet for me and I've seemed to have lost sight of that recently.
So, I embark on another 'One' Project, I hope you will join me and even are a little inspired to try a 'One' Project out yourself one day. You can follow me on Instagram @loriala77 or on my photo blog here.
Friday, September 19, 2014
Enjoy The Ride
It came about as I was praying over a scripture study I was doing. Now, before I move on, I need to be completely honest, I have not daily read my Bible since spring, and I have likely not even read it once a week since July. But I was determined this fall to get back into a routine of scripture study, not just reading, but studying. Yesterday was my second day back into it. I decided to do a topic study on trusting God. I've had a hard time of that lately. I've been very tired of waiting. So, back to my story.
God, I called out, I am so tired of wandering blind. I feel like I have been wandering in this thick fog for 9 years, floundering around, not sure if I'm going in the right direction, and every time I find something meaningful it's because I stumbled upon it. When I have asked, You have shown me I am on the right path, you shine just enough light for me to look down and know I'm still on it. You assure me it is your path, not some other path, and then I go on my merry way. But I'm so tired of not knowing. Why can't the light shining on my feet show me arrows or a map, so I at least know I am taking the straightest route to my destination.
And then He showed me. Even if I got from point A to point B immediately, the fog would not have lifted, I still wouldn't know what to do when I reached point B. I would have just stayed, standing in that spot, until the appointed time arrived. In my mind the fog began to lift to reveal I am on a large ferry, floating along on it's own course, guided by the hand of God. My destination isn't point B. My destination cannot be found no matter where I wander, blind or with a map, because point B is just the docking station for when the ferry has reached the shore. I cannot go anywhere but where the ferry is taking me. And so no matter what I do I cannot get to my destination any sooner or any later than I am supposed to.
Life is a series of ferries. On each one we have freedom to do and go as we please, it doesn't affect reaching our appointed docking station. When the ferry arrives it arrives on it's own schedule. If we aren't at the docking station when it reaches shore, that's ok, it won't go anywhere, we won't miss our next ferry connection. What we can miss is all the opportunities to grow closer to God along the journey. We can miss the opportunity God has given us to shine His light to someone else on the journey. But we won't miss the boat, so to speak.
For example, I believe at one such docking station, as I got on to a new ferry, Sean was also getting on that same ferry. There were a few times we almost connected but didn't. Once we finally did there were a lot of interruptions to the deeper connection. The marriage docking station was ahead of us, no matter what happened, but because of some of the choices we made in our freedom to do and go as we pleased we ended up taking baggage on to the marriage ferry unnecessarily. We arrived right where we were supposed to, but our experience on the next ferry would be shaped by how we had spent the last ride.
And, now I'm certain we're heading to the parenthood docking station. This has been the longest ferry ride yet. With all the time we've had we've certainly learned to get rid of some of that baggage, we've learned to avoid creating new baggage for the next journey. I know we've learned to make much better choices on this ride. But I realize now learning wasn't earning a faster ride. The length of each ride has always been predetermined. It's the same with our desire to be counselors, we're on the school ferry now, and at least getting on this ferry we knew it is a long distance haul, but we're so eager for the dock where we finally get to make a life around helping people. My dear friend pointed out to me, just because that dock of being counselors is far away doesn't mean we aren't helping people on the ferry we're on now. God still has purpose for us in the journey, the purpose isn't only at the destination.
And so, here we are on this ferry, and yes, still in the fog, with no ferry schedule to clue us in to arrival time. We're left with two choices; one, continue futile efforts to do things here that feel like they are controlling the ferry, or two, enjoy the ride. Not that we just sit idly by, but we learn to listen to God so we know when it IS time to just be still and wait and enjoy the scenery. Or so we know we should talk to that person sitting next to us. Or so we know how to let go of things that don't belong on the next ferry. Or so we know how to prepare for the next journey.
Jesus, I really, really want to enjoy the ride, please help me enjoy the ride.
Friday, August 29, 2014
Giving Up or Letting Go
Awhile ago I had a friend who was in a really hard place in life and she asked on FB, 'what is the difference between letting go and giving up?' I don't recall the myriad of answers, not even my own, but now I find myself wondering the same thing.
I think my answer (if not in the comments, in my brain) was something about the heart of the matter. If I'm releasing something because I just am too tired and weak to hope and try anymore, that I don't want to continue because I can't on my own strength, then that is giving up. If I am releasing it because I am understanding that all my efforts do not impact the final outcome anyway, because I want to have peace despite my efforts or non-efforts, then that is letting go.
My tripping point in this philosophy is that other philosophy that I still need to do my part. Like the joke about a prayer to God to win the lottery and the punchline is that you still have to buy the ticket. I don't think I'm going to be another immaculate conception so basic biology says we have to do our part at the right time with healthy parts.
I think 4 years ago I was giving up. I said I was stopping most every action (other than intimacy) that could be construed as trying and was waiving the white flag, daring God to perform a miracle. I believed it could happen, but not that it would.
Hope of course creeped back in, trying was once again on the table. I tried to be smarter about trying. Less controlling about trying. Including Sean and God in decisions about trying. It all felt like I wasn't doing it on my own power, this time. Until April. Until I was faced with no more prescriptions. Until I was so friggin' tired of watching my temperature for nothing. I wondered, if I am not trying too hard at trying then why is this so tiring?
So now I am asking myself, am I just tired of hoping, tired of thinking about it every single day when I take my temperature and chart everything related so we can have perfect timing? Or am I making peace with the fact God has anointed a time for us to conceive and it will happen regardless. And am I tired of my body feeling really awful on medication and don't have the strength to keep it up for the unforeseeable future? Or am I just finally believing God will use that one last healthy egg I may have when the time is right?
I think I'm really close to the latter, with a tiny smattering of the former.
I think my answer (if not in the comments, in my brain) was something about the heart of the matter. If I'm releasing something because I just am too tired and weak to hope and try anymore, that I don't want to continue because I can't on my own strength, then that is giving up. If I am releasing it because I am understanding that all my efforts do not impact the final outcome anyway, because I want to have peace despite my efforts or non-efforts, then that is letting go.
My tripping point in this philosophy is that other philosophy that I still need to do my part. Like the joke about a prayer to God to win the lottery and the punchline is that you still have to buy the ticket. I don't think I'm going to be another immaculate conception so basic biology says we have to do our part at the right time with healthy parts.
I think 4 years ago I was giving up. I said I was stopping most every action (other than intimacy) that could be construed as trying and was waiving the white flag, daring God to perform a miracle. I believed it could happen, but not that it would.
Hope of course creeped back in, trying was once again on the table. I tried to be smarter about trying. Less controlling about trying. Including Sean and God in decisions about trying. It all felt like I wasn't doing it on my own power, this time. Until April. Until I was faced with no more prescriptions. Until I was so friggin' tired of watching my temperature for nothing. I wondered, if I am not trying too hard at trying then why is this so tiring?
So now I am asking myself, am I just tired of hoping, tired of thinking about it every single day when I take my temperature and chart everything related so we can have perfect timing? Or am I making peace with the fact God has anointed a time for us to conceive and it will happen regardless. And am I tired of my body feeling really awful on medication and don't have the strength to keep it up for the unforeseeable future? Or am I just finally believing God will use that one last healthy egg I may have when the time is right?
I think I'm really close to the latter, with a tiny smattering of the former.
Thursday, August 28, 2014
Summer Summary
I haven't posted as regularly as I have wanted to but life has just been
so insistent on being lived rather than narrated. I've had a bit more
time on my hands these last few days, a short reprieve as wedding plans
for my best friend commence now, so I thought I'd give a snapshot of
life right now.
My summer goals were to:
Read more (check)
Paint more (check)
Read more (check)
Paint more (check)
Time with women God has laid on my heart (check) (although missing my best friend)
Travel (check)
I am very happy with the results of this list, even considering I spent about 5-6 weeks madly planning fundraising for my friend Esther, which was a actually not that stressful but was hugely successful! I also was able to sign up for school and was really affirmed by our pastor of the ministry we serve in and am looking forward to how I'll be serving at Church this upcoming year.
Yet, no matter how blessed I am. No matter how much God is teaching me about His perfect timing. I put this on my list for the summer:
Get pregnant (no check)
I have now hit age 37 and people have stopped saying when they find out I'm trying to have kids, 'don't worry, you are still young!'
I was so certain there was a magical combination of perfect things that happened around my birthday this year that would make it that just right timing.
It's been a challenge trying to keep the hope up.
Good thing distraction abounds. Tomorrow I'm off for the weekend, to finally visit the bestie and plan her wedding.
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
I Get By With a Little Help From My Friends - Part 6
I love that we can get each other laughing so easily, if we are together longer than a few minutes, guaranteed we will be laughing a big portion of that time together. And that we all share the same loud laugh that everyone who knows us knows about.
I love that Tami has inspired Jodi and I to run and we are aiming to be in the next Manitoba Marathon next June together. The picture above is to commemorate the pact exactly one year prior to the race.
I love that we share the same desire to honor our husbands, and become more Godly wives. When we decided to do a devotional together this year we all resonated with a devotional on that topic and have been really enjoying it.
I love that we have so much in common, it's pretty easy picking something to do together because we all love crafting, traveling (even if it's vicariously through Folklorama), home decorating, baking (or eating baking), clothes shopping, playing board games, Just Dance, etc.
I love that we share a level of silliness that I can get to with only a handful of people. We think the same things are ridiculously hilarious and can quickly get to the point where we can't talk or breathe and our abdomen's ache because we are laughing so hard.
I love that we can be honest with each other and even if it's an unpleasant conversation we are able to work it out pretty quickly because we know how much we love each other.
I love that they have given me 5 of the most awesome nieces and nephews ever, and given me the opportunity to be an Aunt which has changed my life and added more love to my life than I could ever explain.
I love that no matter how far apart we are, or how busy, we make time together a priority.
I love that when one of us is in need our generosity is an overwhelming outpouring of all we can give.
I love that we want sister tattoos. We need to get on that! ;)
I love that no matter how often or little we are able to talk, we always pick up where we left off like we have spent no time apart. But I love that we are talking more and more in between our frequent gatherings and becoming more and more friends than sisters.
I love you Jodi and Tami <3 br="">
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Wellness Wednesday
It's been awhile since I posted on how the wellness is going. A lot has happened in a month.
Vacation (and preparation for a vacation) monopolized two weeks. Getting home and starting to plan a fundraiser for our friend to help pay for cancer treatments and related expenses has monopolized the other two weeks.
Not excuses, just priorities.
I actually have a big chunk of my fundraiser to-do list done, and the remaining pieces either are waiting for other people's contribution or I can fit in here and there because they are smaller tasks. So I think I can actually schedule a run in tonight! That's how I'm going to approach running until the end of summer, one day at a time.
As for food, I had some big successes and some big indulgences.
I am the kind of person who gets really hungry during traveling, I'm not sure what it is. So I prepared and I packed granola bars, pretzels, cashews, all mostly healthy snacks. But because it's vacation, I also packed candy :) That was probably my biggest indulgence was the candy, even though it's not technically a cheat, it's not a 'baked dessert', I gave myself the mandate that I wouldn't replaced baked goods with candy, I could only eat candy the same amount as I would have last year. If I had been on a vacation trip last year I would have eaten just as much candy ;)
Starbucks, that was another pre-planned indulgence just for vacation. And that one I only allowed on the US side of the border, just to help my head get around returning to eliminating it again.
The rest of my cheats I didn't plan, I made decisions in the moment. Like a vanilla milkshake, which is technically just vanilla ice cream, so still not sure if that is even a cheat. And while not a cheat, only two burger joints the whole trip, both healthier than most, and so filling we could barely eat the fries.
Then there was the wine....Sean started me off and our hosts kept it coming :) They were on vacation too!
Then there was the Cheesecake Factory, and you can't go there without having cheesecake! I actually could only eat half of mine though!
And my only other cheat was a few (giant!) cookies from Panera through the week.
It was actually my meals I was most impressed with though, I think I did
very good considering my vacation track record. I choose pretty healthy
and had good portion control at restaurants, other than previously
mentioned burgers, and one moving day pizza.
Vacation (and preparation for a vacation) monopolized two weeks. Getting home and starting to plan a fundraiser for our friend to help pay for cancer treatments and related expenses has monopolized the other two weeks.
Not excuses, just priorities.
I actually have a big chunk of my fundraiser to-do list done, and the remaining pieces either are waiting for other people's contribution or I can fit in here and there because they are smaller tasks. So I think I can actually schedule a run in tonight! That's how I'm going to approach running until the end of summer, one day at a time.
As for food, I had some big successes and some big indulgences.
I am the kind of person who gets really hungry during traveling, I'm not sure what it is. So I prepared and I packed granola bars, pretzels, cashews, all mostly healthy snacks. But because it's vacation, I also packed candy :) That was probably my biggest indulgence was the candy, even though it's not technically a cheat, it's not a 'baked dessert', I gave myself the mandate that I wouldn't replaced baked goods with candy, I could only eat candy the same amount as I would have last year. If I had been on a vacation trip last year I would have eaten just as much candy ;)
Starbucks, that was another pre-planned indulgence just for vacation. And that one I only allowed on the US side of the border, just to help my head get around returning to eliminating it again.
The rest of my cheats I didn't plan, I made decisions in the moment. Like a vanilla milkshake, which is technically just vanilla ice cream, so still not sure if that is even a cheat. And while not a cheat, only two burger joints the whole trip, both healthier than most, and so filling we could barely eat the fries.
We actually had mostly homemade meals thanks to our generous hosts.
Coming home it actually wasn't too hard to transition back to homemade meals, especially considering I planned them out to be pretty easy to make before we left. The challenge has been denying myself the cheats again. A few times at work already I've been confronted with the choice, and I've come really close to saying, 'you were cheating just 4, or 8 days ago, why not?!' But I did it, I said NO! :) It actually feels pretty good to exercise that no and be ok with it. Here's to 6 more months of doing so!
Thursday, June 26, 2014
Cancer Sucks
I am fairly certain that everyone knows someone who has/had cancer.
In 1982 was my first experience with cancer, my next door neighbor/friend's older sister, whom I only met once or twice because she was more often in the hospital in the year I knew her. Before she died. I had no idea what cancer, no idea the weight of that diagnosis. All I knew was it was a disease that made a very young girl very sick and die.
As I grew older I knew people who knew people who had cancer, but mostly it wasn't terminal. Cancer was fairly benign in my experience.
The next time I personally encountered cancer was in 1998. It was closer to home this time, it was my grandma, who was in her 80s, and so her death 3 months after diagnosis, while sudden, was not focused on the cause. At that age it was not a surprise she would fall ill, that it was cancer didn't seem to cause any extra grief.
Over the next several years it went back to very little exposure to anyone battling cancer. The 2000's brought just a bit more. I met a childhood cancer survivor in our Church in 2002. Sean's estranged father, whom I never met and Sean hadn't seen in 20 years, died in 2005. A family friend was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2006 and survived. A woman at Church had an inspirational battle with cancer and died in 2010.
My uncle (by marriage) who lived in BC my whole life and I didn't know that well, was stricken suddenly and painfully with cancer in 2012 and he passed away a few months later.
Over the last year or so I have known someone who has had a large influx of people in her life who have passed away from cancer, people she has felt such grief at their lives being ripped away from the world far too early. I thanked God I haven't been afflicted with such distressing loss to cancer, and wondered when the odds would catch up with me.
They just did.
Right now we know very little. We don't know what stage it's in. We don't know if it's affected more parts of her body than the tumor that was biopsied. We don't know the treatment plan. We don't know how it will affect her imminent plans for the future.
And she has a BRIGHT future.
This young woman captured our hearts just under two years when she was barely 17. We knew immediately she was special. We very soon thought of her as our surrogate daughter. She is a star in so many ways, it's the meaning of her name and God knew what He was doing because she doesn't just shine, she radiates. People can't help but notice she's different, she has that IT factor, yet she is so humble and has a heart for God's heart, a heart for the outcast and the broken. She is mature beyond her years and I sometimes forget, she's still only 18.
And here she is, so young and faced with this weighty diagnosis. If anyone can survive cancer inspirationally it is she. But she shouldn't have to.
And she has a BRIGHT future.
This young woman captured our hearts just under two years when she was barely 17. We knew immediately she was special. We very soon thought of her as our surrogate daughter. She is a star in so many ways, it's the meaning of her name and God knew what He was doing because she doesn't just shine, she radiates. People can't help but notice she's different, she has that IT factor, yet she is so humble and has a heart for God's heart, a heart for the outcast and the broken. She is mature beyond her years and I sometimes forget, she's still only 18.
And here she is, so young and faced with this weighty diagnosis. If anyone can survive cancer inspirationally it is she. But she shouldn't have to.
And the worst part is it has hit her right in the heart of her dreams. She has been accepted at a theater school starting in September, she is a dancer, an actress, a singer, her talent and dream is to be a performer. The cancer is in her foot. She has no idea the condition her foot will be in after treatment. She doesn't know if she'll even make it to her first semester of school in 9 weeks.
While cancer has been in the realm of possible for the last 6 months, it still seems so unreal. We weren't going to live like it was real without a real diagnosis. But now it's real. And we don't know how to live with it.
I do know I was given this summer to spend a lot of quality time with her. God has been showing me that this summer I was to pour into women he had laid on my heart and I already knew, due to various circumstances, that she was one of those women. Now I know that even more so. I don't think it is because we will lose her, I still have a strong feeling about her amazing future, but I sense God wants to do something through this season in both of us. I just wish the day after her diagnosis I wasn't leaving for vacation for 9 days.
So yeah, fyi, today sucked.
I do know I was given this summer to spend a lot of quality time with her. God has been showing me that this summer I was to pour into women he had laid on my heart and I already knew, due to various circumstances, that she was one of those women. Now I know that even more so. I don't think it is because we will lose her, I still have a strong feeling about her amazing future, but I sense God wants to do something through this season in both of us. I just wish the day after her diagnosis I wasn't leaving for vacation for 9 days.
So yeah, fyi, today sucked.
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
Wellness Wednesday
So even though I've seen motivational posters that say even if you just started running 'You ARE a runner', I've been reluctant to call myself one. I've started down this road before and never felt like a runner.
Today I felt like a runner.
Even without my coach (informal coach, she's one but she's my friend), today I pushed myself further than I have been able to push myself before. And I was able to go further than the goal I set for myself today. And when I was going to walk the rest of the way home I decided to run some more because it felt good. I was actually enjoying it.
Granted I walked a big chunk in the middle because I wanted the stretch next to the river to be my date with Jesus this week, so I was really slow on that stretch but I think that's just what my body needed because when I started running again after I expected to have to push through the exhaustion but instead found renewed energy!
And today's run brought me to just shy of 5 hrs, just over 25 km, in 11 days!
So, today I feel like a runner!
And, Jesus joined the running too, he was cheering me on near the end in some very 70s running gear. He cracks me up :)
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
Schrödinger's Cat
TMI Warning
I'm weird.
Evidence:
1) I know about a quantum mechanics experiment named Schrödinger's cat, and if you do too it's because you are a physicist or you watch Big Bang Theory. I am the latter. The experiment essentially is a cat in a box with the potential for dying and while the box is closed, with no way of knowing the status of the cat, the cat is both alive and dead.
2) I related this experiment to my uterus this month. My last two cycles have been 37-38 days with no real PMS symptoms and yet negative pregnancy tests. So earlier this week I came to the conclusion I have Schrödinger's uterus. Not sure if life or death was waiting for me.
3) I found it hilarious the day after when I 'opened the box and the cat was dead.' Really I laughed....mostly because that result in that wording was a funny coincidence.
See, told you.
I'm weird.
I'm weird.
Evidence:
1) I know about a quantum mechanics experiment named Schrödinger's cat, and if you do too it's because you are a physicist or you watch Big Bang Theory. I am the latter. The experiment essentially is a cat in a box with the potential for dying and while the box is closed, with no way of knowing the status of the cat, the cat is both alive and dead.
2) I related this experiment to my uterus this month. My last two cycles have been 37-38 days with no real PMS symptoms and yet negative pregnancy tests. So earlier this week I came to the conclusion I have Schrödinger's uterus. Not sure if life or death was waiting for me.
3) I found it hilarious the day after when I 'opened the box and the cat was dead.' Really I laughed....mostly because that result in that wording was a funny coincidence.
See, told you.
I'm weird.
Monday, June 9, 2014
No Pain No Gain
Well, I am breaking personal records all over the place.
First yesterday, then today...running for a second day in a row! Often the first day of running after a long gap my hip is so sore I can't barely walk for a week, and even when it's not that sore I tell myself I need to space out my runs. But I had the opportunity to run with a new friend who is a marathon trainer! She wanted a slow run because she's injured but still training to do the 26 mile/40k run next Sunday, so I benefited from the privilege of slowing her down :) Couldn't turn that down!
Not only did she get me out for a second day in a row but she is definitely in the right profession because she was an excellent coach. She knew just how to encourage me, how to challenge me, when to let me walk, when to say I could run more, when I needed the strength of Christ, how to reinforce my good habits, teach me better habits and form. And the results speak for themselves....
Better average speed, better top speed, longer distance, almost no hip pain (yesterday had quite a bit) and she helped me learn how to run in a form that would continue to strengthen my hip while not straining it so much as well. And she taught me to run through the calf strain, which I thought at first would do me in but she said muscle pain is ok to run through, so I kept going. So many improved results I can hardly believe it!
But I don't want to sugar coat it. It was hard. I walked very slowly home.
But that gave me some time to think.
About hard work.
I didn't think I was adverse to it, but I realized today I had a fear of the hard work it would take to accomplish a marathon, even a 5k, a distance I have easily walked. This was not something I was conscious of before, and so I wondered where this fear came from? Especially considering I have at least 3 people in my life who have overcome their own adversities to become a multi-marathon runner and I was witness to their accomplishment, why did I think it was beyond my reach?
As I thought about it I thought back to other things I had to work hard for.
I couldn't think of anything.
It's not that I haven't worked hard, but it's usually been to work my way out of a bad situation, not working hard for something, towards a positive goal. I have felt most of my life that life happens to me, good and bad things just seem to fall into my lap without much effort on my part. Of course when the bad situations came (once I realized they were bad) there was a lot of hard work involved to move forward in a positive direction, but I had to do it, to survive.
Running is hard work for the sole goal of thriving.
When you need to survive you have a lot of extra motivation, to move away from pain. Motivation to thrive....sorely lacking when you are moving towards pain.
And in survival it's easier to take it one day at a time, it's easier to say, 'well at least I don't do that anymore.' When you are trying to thrive I think you are a lot harder on yourself, expect more of yourself.
So there it was. I had been avoiding accomplishing this goal of running in a marathon because I was afraid of this new territory of working hard just to discipline my self. Moving towards and into pain in order to accomplish something. Seemed silly when I was perfectly happy not running.
But I felt like I had been missing out on something by avoiding the pain.
And I realized I haven't always made the choice to run from/avoid pain.
Tattoos are a simple example, I felt making my story visible was worth the pain.
And I chose to go back to trying to have children after I had essentially given up because of all the pain. After 6 years of so much heartache and frustration I chose to try again because I believed all the suffering would be worth it. And now in the 8th year I still believe strongly that the pain will be worth it.
Pain was worth it if I believed there was a big pay off in the end.
And I believe that there will be a big pay off to accomplishing this 10 k run next year. The difference is I'm pretty unclear what that pay off will be. I mean obviously there will be the physical health aspect but I have a feeling there is much, much more to this. It's just a feeling I have but it's enough to motivate me to thrive!
I have never liked the saying, but it finally has new meaning for me, no pain no gain.
First yesterday, then today...running for a second day in a row! Often the first day of running after a long gap my hip is so sore I can't barely walk for a week, and even when it's not that sore I tell myself I need to space out my runs. But I had the opportunity to run with a new friend who is a marathon trainer! She wanted a slow run because she's injured but still training to do the 26 mile/40k run next Sunday, so I benefited from the privilege of slowing her down :) Couldn't turn that down!
Not only did she get me out for a second day in a row but she is definitely in the right profession because she was an excellent coach. She knew just how to encourage me, how to challenge me, when to let me walk, when to say I could run more, when I needed the strength of Christ, how to reinforce my good habits, teach me better habits and form. And the results speak for themselves....
Better average speed, better top speed, longer distance, almost no hip pain (yesterday had quite a bit) and she helped me learn how to run in a form that would continue to strengthen my hip while not straining it so much as well. And she taught me to run through the calf strain, which I thought at first would do me in but she said muscle pain is ok to run through, so I kept going. So many improved results I can hardly believe it!
But I don't want to sugar coat it. It was hard. I walked very slowly home.
But that gave me some time to think.
About hard work.
I didn't think I was adverse to it, but I realized today I had a fear of the hard work it would take to accomplish a marathon, even a 5k, a distance I have easily walked. This was not something I was conscious of before, and so I wondered where this fear came from? Especially considering I have at least 3 people in my life who have overcome their own adversities to become a multi-marathon runner and I was witness to their accomplishment, why did I think it was beyond my reach?
As I thought about it I thought back to other things I had to work hard for.
I couldn't think of anything.
It's not that I haven't worked hard, but it's usually been to work my way out of a bad situation, not working hard for something, towards a positive goal. I have felt most of my life that life happens to me, good and bad things just seem to fall into my lap without much effort on my part. Of course when the bad situations came (once I realized they were bad) there was a lot of hard work involved to move forward in a positive direction, but I had to do it, to survive.
Running is hard work for the sole goal of thriving.
When you need to survive you have a lot of extra motivation, to move away from pain. Motivation to thrive....sorely lacking when you are moving towards pain.
And in survival it's easier to take it one day at a time, it's easier to say, 'well at least I don't do that anymore.' When you are trying to thrive I think you are a lot harder on yourself, expect more of yourself.
So there it was. I had been avoiding accomplishing this goal of running in a marathon because I was afraid of this new territory of working hard just to discipline my self. Moving towards and into pain in order to accomplish something. Seemed silly when I was perfectly happy not running.
But I felt like I had been missing out on something by avoiding the pain.
And I realized I haven't always made the choice to run from/avoid pain.
Tattoos are a simple example, I felt making my story visible was worth the pain.
And I chose to go back to trying to have children after I had essentially given up because of all the pain. After 6 years of so much heartache and frustration I chose to try again because I believed all the suffering would be worth it. And now in the 8th year I still believe strongly that the pain will be worth it.
Pain was worth it if I believed there was a big pay off in the end.
And I believe that there will be a big pay off to accomplishing this 10 k run next year. The difference is I'm pretty unclear what that pay off will be. I mean obviously there will be the physical health aspect but I have a feeling there is much, much more to this. It's just a feeling I have but it's enough to motivate me to thrive!
I have never liked the saying, but it finally has new meaning for me, no pain no gain.
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
Wellness Wednesday
As I mentioned, May turned into cheat month. Yes month. Once you've gone completely off track it is so much easier to stay there. I am starting my count for just about every luxury no-no over again as of June 1st. So for now I will keep a running tally of how much I did eat in the last 4+ months, it seems a lot better more encouraging when I say it that way :)
So in the last 141 days I have had only :)
8 desserts
9 beverages
2 portions of chips
I still have not had any donuts, juices or milks! Still not bad considering most of that
And I went for an hour and a half long walk on Monday and about a 40 minute walk last week too. Rain hasn't been making walking outside easy but I'm going to keep trying, as long as it isn't too cold. A lot of season finale's on t.v. lately so my schedule is blowing wide open :)
And on all other fronts I am feeling good, feeling healthy. Intentionally working on how to keep hope afloat but more so how to remember my weakness is when God's grace and power are made perfect. I need to learn to let go of the desire NOT to be weak long before I reach the end of myself. And I have a few tools in my pocket now to help with that.
I have realized also though that I haven't had a consistent spiritual filling since our small group transformed. I think I might be spiritually dehydrated. My soul is refreshed now and then, through certain people, through certain situations, but those just are not happening frequently enough. I am in need of a small group where I have people pouring into me, not just me pouring into others. Or a mentor. I'm still looking for one of those. May have found a candidate or two :) We'll see where God takes that relationship. All I know is I'm doing a lot of pouring out without as much pouring back in.
But overall, I'm good. Better than good. Thank God for that.
So in the last 141 days I have had only :)
8 desserts
9 beverages
2 portions of chips
I still have not had any donuts, juices or milks! Still not bad considering most of that
And I went for an hour and a half long walk on Monday and about a 40 minute walk last week too. Rain hasn't been making walking outside easy but I'm going to keep trying, as long as it isn't too cold. A lot of season finale's on t.v. lately so my schedule is blowing wide open :)
And on all other fronts I am feeling good, feeling healthy. Intentionally working on how to keep hope afloat but more so how to remember my weakness is when God's grace and power are made perfect. I need to learn to let go of the desire NOT to be weak long before I reach the end of myself. And I have a few tools in my pocket now to help with that.
I have realized also though that I haven't had a consistent spiritual filling since our small group transformed. I think I might be spiritually dehydrated. My soul is refreshed now and then, through certain people, through certain situations, but those just are not happening frequently enough. I am in need of a small group where I have people pouring into me, not just me pouring into others. Or a mentor. I'm still looking for one of those. May have found a candidate or two :) We'll see where God takes that relationship. All I know is I'm doing a lot of pouring out without as much pouring back in.
But overall, I'm good. Better than good. Thank God for that.
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