Awhile ago I had a friend who was in a really hard place in life and she asked on FB, 'what is the difference between letting go and giving up?' I don't recall the myriad of answers, not even my own, but now I find myself wondering the same thing.
I think my answer (if not in the comments, in my brain) was something about the heart of the matter. If I'm releasing something because I just am too tired and weak to hope and try anymore, that I don't want to continue because I can't on my own strength, then that is giving up. If I am releasing it because I am understanding that all my efforts do not impact the final outcome anyway, because I want to have peace despite my efforts or non-efforts, then that is letting go.
My tripping point in this philosophy is that other philosophy that I still need to do my part. Like the joke about a prayer to God to win the lottery and the punchline is that you still have to buy the ticket. I don't think I'm going to be another immaculate conception so basic biology says we have to do our part at the right time with healthy parts.
I think 4 years ago I was giving up. I said I was stopping most every action (other than intimacy) that could be construed as trying and was waiving the white flag, daring God to perform a miracle. I believed it could happen, but not that it would.
Hope of course creeped back in, trying was once again on the table. I tried to be smarter about trying. Less controlling about trying. Including Sean and God in decisions about trying. It all felt like I wasn't doing it on my own power, this time. Until April. Until I was faced with no more prescriptions. Until I was so friggin' tired of watching my temperature for nothing. I wondered, if I am not trying too hard at trying then why is this so tiring?
So now I am asking myself, am I just tired of hoping, tired of
thinking about it every single day when I take my temperature and chart
everything related so we can have perfect timing? Or am I making peace
with the fact God has anointed a time for us to conceive and it will
happen regardless. And am I tired of my body feeling really awful on
medication and don't have the strength to keep it up for the
unforeseeable future? Or am I just finally believing God will use that
one last healthy egg I may have when the time is right?
I think I'm really close to the latter, with a tiny smattering of the former.