Friday, August 29, 2014

Giving Up or Letting Go

Awhile ago I had a friend who was in a really hard place in life and she asked on FB, 'what is the difference between letting go and giving up?' I don't recall the myriad of answers, not even my own, but now I find myself wondering the same thing.

I think my answer (if not in the comments, in my brain) was something about the heart of the matter. If I'm releasing something because I just am too tired and weak to hope and try anymore, that I don't want to continue because I can't on my own strength, then that is giving up. If I am releasing it because I am understanding that all my efforts do not impact the final outcome anyway, because I want to have peace despite my efforts or non-efforts, then that is letting go.

My tripping point in this philosophy is that other philosophy that I still need to do my part. Like the joke about a prayer to God to win the lottery and the punchline is that you still have to buy the ticket. I don't think I'm going to be another immaculate conception so basic biology says we have to do our part at the right time with healthy parts. 

I think 4 years ago I was giving up. I said I was stopping most every action (other than intimacy) that could be construed as trying and was waiving the white flag, daring God to perform a miracle. I believed it could happen, but not that it would. 

Hope of course creeped back in, trying was once again on the table.  I tried to be smarter about trying. Less controlling about trying. Including Sean and God in decisions about trying.  It all felt like I wasn't doing it on my own power, this time. Until April. Until I was faced with no more prescriptions. Until I was so friggin' tired of watching my temperature for nothing. I wondered, if I am not trying too hard at trying then why is this so tiring?

So now I am asking myself, am I just tired of hoping, tired of thinking about it every single day when I take my temperature and chart everything related so we can have perfect timing? Or am I making peace with the fact God has anointed a time for us to conceive and it will happen regardless. And am I tired of my body feeling really awful on medication and don't have the strength to keep it up for the unforeseeable future? Or am I just finally believing God will use that one last healthy egg I may have when the time is right?

I think I'm really close to the latter, with a tiny smattering of the former.

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Summer Summary

I haven't posted as regularly as I have wanted to but life has just been so insistent on being lived rather than narrated. I've had a bit more time on my hands these last few days, a short reprieve as wedding plans for my best friend commence now, so I thought I'd give a snapshot of life right now.

My summer goals were to:

Read more (check)

Paint more (check)

More God time (mostly check)

Time with women God has laid on my heart (check) (although missing my best friend)

Travel (check)

I am very happy with the results of this list, even considering I spent about 5-6 weeks madly planning fundraising for my friend Esther, which was a actually not that stressful but was hugely successful! I also was able to sign up for school and was really affirmed by our pastor of the ministry we serve in and am looking forward to how I'll be serving at Church this upcoming year.

Yet, no matter how blessed I am. No matter how much God is teaching me about His perfect timing. I put this on my list for the summer:

Get pregnant (no check)

I have now hit age 37 and people have stopped saying when they find out I'm trying to have kids, 'don't worry, you are still young!'

I was so certain there was a magical combination of perfect things that happened around my birthday this year that would make it that just right timing.

It's been a challenge trying to keep the hope up.

Good thing distraction abounds. Tomorrow I'm off for the weekend, to finally visit the bestie and plan her wedding.

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

I Get By With a Little Help From My Friends - Part 6

I love it when 'friends' is also family. I am so blessed to (now) get along with my sisters, we have the greatest time together!

I love that we can get each other laughing so easily, if we are together longer than a few minutes, guaranteed we will be laughing a big portion of that time together.  And that we all share the same loud laugh that everyone who knows us knows about.

I love that Tami has inspired Jodi and I to run and we are aiming to be in the next Manitoba Marathon next June together. The picture above is to commemorate the pact exactly one year prior to the race.

I love that we share the same desire to honor our husbands, and become more Godly wives. When we decided to do a devotional together this year we all resonated with a devotional on that topic and have been really enjoying it.

I love that we have so much in common, it's pretty easy picking something to do together because we all love crafting, traveling (even if it's vicariously through Folklorama), home decorating, baking (or eating baking), clothes shopping, playing board games, Just Dance, etc.

I love that we share a level of silliness that I can get to with only a handful of people. We think the same things are ridiculously hilarious and can quickly get to the point where we can't talk or breathe and our abdomen's ache because we are laughing so hard.

I love that we can be honest with each other and even if it's an unpleasant conversation we are able to work it out pretty quickly because we know how much we love each other.

I love that they have given me 5 of the most awesome nieces and nephews ever, and given me the opportunity to be an Aunt which has changed my life and added more love to my life than I could ever explain.

I love that no matter how far apart we are, or how busy, we make time together a priority.

I love that when one of us is in need our generosity is an overwhelming outpouring of all we can give.

I love that we want sister tattoos. We need to get on that! ;)

I love that no matter how often or little we are able to talk, we always pick up where we left off like we have spent no time apart. But I love that we are talking more and more in between our frequent gatherings and becoming more and more friends than sisters.

I love you Jodi and Tami <3 br="">

Thursday, August 7, 2014

A Very, Merry UnBirthday to Me! (And Birthday too)

After two weeks of birthday celebrations I figured I should finally post a little about my birthday blessings.

My birthday celebrations started early this year, a full week early. It was the day that happened to be chosen by our office to celebrate both July birthdays, and I was treated to Angel Food Cake, my favorite! But that wasn't all the day had in store for me. The recording of a Single for my friend with cancer (which I helped setup) happened today! I was also invited to give a mini-testimony at Church and video it that evening, which for me is an exciting thing now, not a terrifying thing like it used to be. Then I had the rare opportunity to chat with my long distance bestie for 30 minutes which NEVER happens these days! That was the icing on the cake ;)

My mother-in-law always drops off an early present so I received flowers Saturday morning.

Then I gave Sean the entire weekend before carte blanche to do as he pleased. He took me on a shopping spree, my only limit was my own budget since I'm the accountant in the family :) He strongly encouraged frivolousness and so here are some of the items bought!

Jewelry, which is always fun, and my tastes are not expensive, lol.

Books, always could use more of those, and have been consistently searching for this one at a better price, which I found for $12!

And something I've been coveting just a little lately, being a sucker for rainbows, unicorns and flying horses! :D

Then Sean treated me to pizza, wings and wine while we spent the night watching cheesy horror flicks.

My co-workers took another turn spoiling me the 29th and 30th, when I received a Starbucks treat and dark chocolate and many special greetings. Not to mention the many touching FB posts and texts I received throughout the day of.

I of course treated myself to Sushi for lunch :) And a visit with a very good friend and vanilla ice cream for my birthday evening.

On the holiday Monday I went for a 7 mile walk with my cousin and she treated me to more vanilla ice cream for my birthday! Thanks Pam!

Then, the last celebration was getting to spend the night out with my mom and my sisters at Folklorama yesterday night. We went to the Chinese pavilion and then Brazilian pavilion, both spectacular in very different ways! Then we capped the night off with Menchies, more ice cream! Mmmmmm.

Can't complain, turning 37 was pretty amazing!

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...