Friday, January 2, 2015

In With The New 2015

Over the years I have described times of emptying, where I felt like my life was being emptied, or even that my own self was being emptied, and while I knew it was in order to be filled again, that feeling of having a void is not a comfortable one.

But with every emptying I had felt I was given something to fill me back up again.

Hope. Love. Purpose. Friendship.

And I was good.

For a while.

I wondered why the emptying feeling had to keep coming back though.

Why couldn't I just stay filled and satisfied?

Each time I chose to seek out God.

To ask why. To request a refill. To sustain me. To show me what I need to do.

Please Lord just fill me again, whatever that takes.

2014 was another emptying year.

Everything seemed to ebb more than flow.

Hope. Love. Purpose. Friendship.

With every subtraction in my life I grew more and more needy.

My focus became more and more about how to get the refills.

I spent so much time this year impatient and demanding.

I asked God first for the refills.

Then I tried it my own way.

Then I went back to God, pleading to be filled.

I got angry at God for leaving me so empty.

The more I concentrated on filling the void the bigger it became.

It was like a black hole, the more of my focus it ate, the bigger it grew.

As I thought about 2015, what it would hold, what years beyond this could hold, I realized the void could remain for a long time yet to come.  I realized even if I got what I wanted, there could still be a void.  Even in the best moments of 2014 there was still a void.

That's when it hit me.

Each time I've been emptied, it was to make room for God.

It's a hole that can never be filled with anything but God.

Each time I started to fill it with God.

But then I began to fill it with promises of the life He wanted to give me instead.

But the life He wants to give me will only result from filling up on Him.

Even though I turned to Him each time, it was not for the sake of relationship, but in order to receive.

Somewhere last year my desperation derailed me and His gifts became the priority instead of his presence.

So. 2015, you lie before me a blank slate in so many ways.

I have no idea where you will take me.

You may take away just as much as you give, or more.

But this year, I will not be emptied.

My only priority is to fill the void.

No comments:

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...