Monday, December 22, 2014

All I Wanna Be Is Done

The last four Novembers my posts have looked a lot like this.

I'm am so over this year.

I want next year now please.

Maybe next year will be better.

Early November, I thought this year would be no different.

  • A job I was fed up with.
  • The infertility support group flopped.
  • Stopped all conception aids.
  • Christian community shrinking.
  • Best friend moved away.
  • Friend diagnosed with cancer.

There were of course some great moments too:
  • Starting running again.
  • Starting school again.
  • Deeper marital connection and happiness.
  • The chance to lead an infertility support group.
  • 3 fantastic vacation road trips.
  • Maid of Honor for my bestie.
  • Friend now cancer free.
  • Starting painting again.
  • Many meaningful connections with family & friends.
  • A potential new ministry God is calling me to.

As full of gratitude for those lovely cherished moments as I was, by first week of November I I already said a few posts the end of my rope with my job and with waiting. I felt like I was waiting for everything. I'd been feeling this way last year this time too.

Then, as you know, I was laid off mid-November.
In a way it was just a small change. I still have to wait for employment that God is leading me towards, but at least I wasn't waiting in misery and now I'm waiting in freedom!
In a way it was a huge change. My gratitude for God, blessing me in the way He did, ballooned and gratitude is definitely an antidote for attitude. My patience was renewed for other things I'm waiting for.

That was 5+ weeks ago. I've been happy and grateful and patient through that entire time, looking forward to the holidays and in no rush to be rid of 2014 nor begging for that 'clean slate.'

Until Friday.

In a way it was just a small thing. It was a month I didn't expect to get pregnant anyway. I was sufficiently distracted during the time I expected to get that news.
Then suddenly it became a huge thing. I won't go into details but suffice it to say I feel like my body is toying with me. I went through the emotional rollercoaster of believing I was pregnant and then not pregnant 3 times in 8 days. With each time the hope just grew and grew and grew.

Because it's Christmas, and like a few other annual celebrations, it is a reminder there is still just two of us in our family picture.

Because it's 13 days away from our nine year anniversary of chasing this dream.

Because this is the year we finally stopped help God....with conception.

Because 2014 was supposed to be the year, and it wasn't only I who heard it this time.

I'm at the point I just don't know anymore.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know how to feel.

By now I know 2015 will not magically make me 'all better'. But I'm still done with 2014.

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