I think we all have those moments when we wonder, am I a phony? am I being honest about who I really am? as I discover more about who I am I actually end up with more questions, like:
the way I feel I want to be seen by the world, is that really who I am or am I just trying to be liked?
when I can see God given beauty and purpose in every one's life but my own, do I really believe I too am wonderfully made?
am I really just envious of what others have been blessed with and am trying to fabricate that in my own life?
am I a hypocrite to not whole heatedly believe in my own beauty and purpose?
am I trying to create beauty or be seen as beautiful?
and ...
do I really just want to help people with my testimony or am I just looking for people to admire my strength and survival, which of course aren't even my doing?
do I really allow myself to be the weak one in my story, to give glory to God for my rescue, or do I hide in the term victim so I appear helpless rather than like I made some bad choices?
do I label him evil so I can appear more saintly?
do I just want people to justify my pain and therefore my baggage?
and...
do I really love as 'arms wide and heart abandoned' as I think I do or do I love just to be loved?
do I love ultimately to earn reciprocation and validation?
am I willing to accept being loved according to other people's definitions?
do I really believe God wants to me love with all I have despite what I get in return?
am I too fearful of how much I should love without reciprocation, considering my past?
considering I feel the pinch when those questions are asked shows I'm touching a few nerves. shows I'm not in dreamy denial of the moments I can waiver between who I portray I am and who I really am. willing to pinch, willing to stay aware, that's a good sign that I've survived a reality check. because although I sometimes may not quite know who I am, I at least want to know I am being truthful and real about it.
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