Thanks to my new quest for a life desperate for God, I have a renewed fire for dependency on God. I have the desire for it but can't seem to sustain the dependency. I want to be spiritually poor, and the more I examined that I began to think, it might be easier if I was actually poor. I have begun to lament the obstacles in my way, sadly they seem very camel sized. Sadly, they are such first world problems.
I feel a little pathetic.
Dependency on food.
~ I wish for the inability to be addicted to food. I heard from someone who visited our Swaziland carepoints (villages sponsored by our Church) that when the children were given a special treat of chocolate chip cookies, they weren't enthusiastic at all, and that gifter - a little offended - asked why. Food is food to them, they are on the brink of starvation, they are equally satisfied to get slop as a chocolate chip cookie treat, it is a source of life not enjoyment. It's not that I don't believe food is given as a gift of pleasure, but it's one I'm prone to abuse. Plop me in a place where I only have what I need to survive, no extra temptations, then I could rely on God instead of relying on chocolate, etc. Right?
Dependency on money.
~ I wish my hours weren't eaten up by the job I need to pay my bills. It isn't just the travel time and long lunch with little ability to spend it on what I would rather, like quality time with God, disciplining my spirit, or being active, disciplining my body. I would gladly work less hours, have less money, if it weren't for the life we've already committed to. While we're working towards less debt/expenses, I'm impatient during every 'wasted' moment in the mean time. Why don't I have to work the land instead, my hands in the earth where I move my body more and God moves in my spirit, tilling my spiritual soil as I do the same physically.
Dependency on validation.
~ This is a whole post in and of itself. I know I'm not the only one with self-image issues, not the only one who seeks out affirmation. Someone said recently, 'who doesn't', and I realized, that is not a third world problem, that's for sure. I watched the documentary Babies the other day and the family in Africa all wore basically the same thing, which was very little, no matter their shape or size or age, their image was clearly not of concern. God has blessed me with his view of me, I know he sees me as beautiful, again a whole post in itself, yet I can't find enough satisfaction in that. Why?! Why is that not enough? I really, really want it to be enough that God, creator of the universe, finds me lovely.
This may seem overly simplified to some, but really a lot of it is just the opposite of a perspective quite a few people have. I had it. A goal of wealth 'solves' some of the same issues. Paying for dieticians and trainers to balance out indulgence in food. If time is money, money is time, right? More money would mean more freedom with time. And money does a good job of covering our flaws in a multitude of options.
One day my opinion started to flip though, and I realized, releasing a lot of the trappings of this world would accomplish what I was trying so hard to build wealth for. With one difference, an increased hunger....for God. As I exposed myself to the ways of admirable people around the world, a significant number of them had some level of poverty, giving up financial security in part or all. I'm not sure I'm called to go as far as a vow of poverty, but I'm seriously seeking out ways I can give up more.
Less of me, more of God.
I do sense a desperation growing, a desperation for more desperation for God. I'm not sure yet what God is stirring up in me. Maybe he's teaching me I need to release what's trapping me up. Maybe he's taking me through the harder lesson, depending on him when I really don't 'need' to.
First world = camel sized problems.