I keep trying, and learning

I have mentioned briefly in this blog about the situation between myself and my ex, but just to summarize, last July I finally summoned the courage to confront him about the abuse he put me through, mostly when we dated and shortly after we broke up, but also the manipulation he continued to carry out even until then. 12 years of manipulation I was about to make him face. Since we were somewhat friends (not a true friendship, more of a close aquaintence type relationship) I actually gave him the choice to establish a real friendship by allowing us to air out our past, or he could move on and forget me and forget our past. He chose to not have a friendship. I had a little hope though that he may eventually have a change of heart, because even though he admitted he was too selfish to hear me out and go through the pain of being reminded of what he did, at least he said it pained him to know what he did to me. It wasn’t enough of an admission for me to base a friendship on but it gave me hope.

8 months later, to the day, he added me to Facebook, so I added him, expecting he had something to say, but he didn’t so I declined the ‘friend’ request and reminded him the only way I would consider us friends was if we had that talk. 2 months later he sent me a message that was essentially an attempt to guilt trip me, saying ‘I understand if you don’t want to talk to me’. That got me a little riled so I responded by saying he better not blame me for the end of our friendship, that I was more than willing to talk, he just didn’t want to hear what I had to say. 2 months later he finally responded with what sounded like a change of heart. He told me he had just about lost his mom and dad to different health issues, and that a health issue he himself had was getting worse, he had two more episodes and his lungs were now essentially a time bomb that no one can tell him when it may go off. (I know this to be true, and knew it wasn’t just an exaggerated statement to get me to change my mind). He said all this made him want to make peace and he knew he owed me an explanation.

Finally, I thought he was willing to own up to what he had done. A few people were leery, thinking I should just let him live with his original choice to stay out of my life, but I know God gives us chance after chance after chance to reconcile with Him, so as long as he was willing to do what it took to reconcile, I was willing to give him another chance. So I told him, if he was willing to hear what I had to say, and say what I needed to hear, in person and with Sean there, then he could call me to set something up. It took a few days to get a response but I was somewhat expecting that. I knew from his last response to me that he was still a little reluctant to go through with this, it seemed like a ‘if this is what I have to do to restore our friendship, I guess it’s what I have to do.’ What I didn’t, but should have, expected was the response I got. It was typical of every conversation I’ve ever had before where I have tried to make him face the hurt he’s caused me. He acted like such a martyr, ‘I’ll do this because I have nothing to lose...(unspoken ‘but’) I believe I’ve heard this before and already apologized for it.’ ‘I feel like you just want to break me further….you just want to tear a strip off me….but I just want to clear the air if this is bothering you that much.’

I don’t know why it surprised me, I guess I just have a little too much faith in his ability to redeem himself. I know it’s God who truly transforms us, that he wouldn’t be able to really change until he was right with God again, but I did have hope he could at least creep out a little from the garbage he filled his life with. But no, he could not even budge an inch, he still had to try and turn the tables on me and make me feel bad for putting him through this exercise of honesty and trust building. He is so wrapped up in his own version of what’s happened he doesn’t even know what the truth is anymore. That or he still thinks he can push my buttons and trigger the weak girl with low-self esteem who’s determination will just collapse and give in to him.

So, I finally responded without holding back anything! I poked a hole in every thing he said, proving he hasn’t done anything to earn back my trust, so how dare he act like a martyr. I reminded him that I have every right to ‘tear a strip off him’ even though that’s not what I intend to do, instead I have been nothing but loving and gracious with him, to a fault. I have done everything I can to restore a friendship, forgiveness has already been given, I am not out to make him pay, so how dare he try and make me look like the bad guy in this situation. I am making him earn a friendship. I have a right to expect trust from my friends, and since he’s the one pursuing a restored friendship at this point, then he has to agree to my terms or get lost. I told him that regardless of if he really believes his own lies, (which is that he’s done what can be reasonably expected of him and I’m just a out for vengeance), or if he’s trying to push my buttons again to get me to give in, I’m not going to stand for either of those. I am not going to apologize for what I've asked of him, I know I'm in the right. And I'm not going to let him push my buttons anymore either. Whether he admits it or not, sub-consciously or not, he manipulates people. He is always working to get the response he wants from people and I see through it now. That weak girl he used to be able to trigger, she doesn't exist anymore.I really thought he might have changed, so I put myself out there again, gave him another chance, and I feel like I just got a big slap in the face instead. I told him maybe this time he will let the truth of what I've said sink in instead of figuring out ways to use my words against me. Believe me, if he attempts to repair this friendship again, next time I'm going to need a lot more than empty words, just telling me what I want to hear. Yes I told him that, so yes I’ve implied I might be willing to give him a chance in the future. Just because he’s proved he currently hasn’t changed doesn’t mean God won’t work something in him eventually. I just hope for his sake it’s sooner rather than later at the rate his health is declining.