Normally I am a pretty emotional person, I've been told I "feel things deeply". And I do. Except when it comes to emotions about anything related to Richard. Those emotions were tampered with, he re-wired me with his manipulation and now it's really hard for me to feel what I'm supposed to feel when it comes to him.
Last night I had another nightmare, and this one was the worst yet, very graphic, very real emotionally, yet in my dream I didn't have the right emotional response and when I woke up I had a hard time feeling what I knew I should feel as well. I knew I should have been horrified, angered, disgusted, and I knew I should be weeping. But all I could get out were some wimpering tears. And shame. In fact I think I was crying because I felt shame, not because of the images in my head. I felt like I didn't do enough in my dream to stop him, and this morning as I've been evaluating why I'm conflicted between how I should feel and how I do feel, I realize it's because that's how I feel about it in real life as well. I'm still ashamed because I feel like I didn't do enough to stop it. I know I shouldn't, I know how I should feel, but that doesn't make it any easier to BE that way.
Which is why I'm looking for help. In my confliction this morning I did remember my resolution to go to the Word and I remembered a verse about thinking about pure thoughts, and that's exactly what I needed right at that moment. I looked it up and turns out it's actually the very next part after the verse I mentioned last week:
Philippians 4:6-7 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” I should have kept looking because there was an important continuation. ..."Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think on such things."
Not only do I need to pray for God to give me peace, but I need to think on all that is good to clean my mind of whatever is not. I am memorizing these verses so that I can recite them everytime I feel my mind being taken over by 'not good' thoughts and images. Now I just need help re-wiring my brain and emotions to feel the things I am supposed to, when I'm supposed to. Hopefully soon.
2 comments:
Shame is a powerful enemy for us who have suffered and were abused in any kind of way. This is one wall that will take a lot of chipping away at, but can be done, with our Lord's help. Great scripture verse you quoted there dear one! ((((~L~))))
Powerful Scripture and wise advice. Wishing you peace as you wrestle with mixed emotions. ((HUGS))
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