Another step forward

As much as I've been looking forward to my first session, my first step to really intentional healing, I was anxious. Big surprise :) Anxious is my middle name these days. On Saturday I started anticipating my session with my pastor when the anxiety started creeping in. At least I knew what this anxiety attack was about, unlike most of my others. I knew I was in very capable and trustworthy hands, but I felt the familiar tightness in my chest, and I felt the need to hash out in my mind everything I felt should be said, my mind was racing, I felt panicky. It didn’t help being out in the backyard with nothing but the stubborn weeds and my stubborn thoughts, both were a b!*@h to remove! And I couldn’t stop until yesterday morning when we were about half way there (half way was about 25 minutes into the drive there). I finally told myself sternly that I can’t prepare myself for what he’s going to need to know, he will ask the questions and I will just answer!
Everything went as expected, I didn't hear anything surprising, but mainly this was a meeting to lay foundation for how to proceed. He set up another meeting for June 30th in the evening and he advised me on how to prepare for a session more focused on inner healing. To get the most out of this he told me I’m going to have to be completely open to what God wants to show me and be completely honest, mostly with myself, about what really happened to me. I immediately thought I’m about as open and honest as I can get, I've been admitting this now for just over 2.5 years. Until he said “no tip-toeing around it, you have to be able to acknowledge in no uncertain terms what he did to you.” And I immediately knew that was one of the blocks I’ve had to full healing. Head knowledge and heart knowledge are two very different things. And maybe I didn't have as much head knowledge as I thought I did. I decided to change that, you can read more about my becoming prepared for the next step on my other blog here.
Another way to prepare for this, he suggested, was to get people to intentionally pray for me over the next week. He didn't specifically say for what, but I would say pray that my eyes are opened to all the lies I might still believe, and prepare my heart to believe and embrace the truths He wants me to accept. Also pray that I open myself completely to the steps God shows me I need to take in order to heal. Thanks again to all of you who already remember me in your prayers, you have had a part in pushing me forward, I can't thank you enough.