A Bug's Life Redux

It is bug season again, warm enough for bugs to start crawling there way out of hiding places in our house, oh joy! A few times this last week I've been reminded of a blog I did in early September 2006, I re-read it and had a good laugh, so I thought I'd post it again, in honor of bug season. Hope you enjoy revisiting my nightmare with me : )

Only since being in this old house have I been brave enough to finally kill some insects. Before I would use the ol’ coax-the-bug-on-a-piece-of-paper-then-cover-it-with-a-container-to-trap-it-without-touching-it-then-flinging-it-down-the-toilet-method. Or the scream for hubby method. But this house has just too many spiders so I had to learn to take some action myself. Well now it seems the insect kingdom is conspiring to overload me with heebie geebies and send me running for good (as if I am not already running from them as much as possible). Yesterday morning I had to kill a pretty big spider even before I got in the shower, not even fully awake yet I managed, and then I’m just about to step into the shower and see a spider TWICE its size is trying to escape up the slippery slope of the tub! I drowned him in scalding hot water without even having to get in, mwuhahahaha! Then later that evening we went to 7-11 and as we stepped off our porch I noticed a spider spinning a web from our overhang. And not just any spider, not just a BIG spider, a friggin’ SAC spider, the most vile of all spiders! I DETEST sac spiders, they gross me out so much I can’t even look at them.
Side bar – and sac spiders are evil, my good friend Cathy told me a story about how 15 years ago-ish, when her sons were little, and they came across a sac spider and started poking it with a little twig. The spider TOOK THE STICK AWAY FROM THEM! This is not a friend who exaggerates, I promise you. Scary stuff.
Anyway, so because the sac spider was spinning a web it started doing this weird vibrating thing, which is giving me the creepy crawlies just thinking about it, BLECH!! So hubby saved the day by projectile spitting and on the second try managed to connect and it flung the spider somewhere, which I did not stick around to find out, but I ordered him to find it and squish it. Yes, that’s right, I ORDERED him! So once we leave the risk filled wilderness that is our house and yard, and are in the safety of our friendly neighbourhood 7-11, I thought the coast was clear, I could let my guard down and relax in a nice, clean, hygienic store, with a yummy chocolaty latte and treat myself with the yummy chocolate marshmallows to make up for my traumatic day. I’m a bit of a glutton when it comes to chocolate, so a little was not enough...I shake out a few...I need more...I shake out a little more...I need more...I shake and a WASP comes out and lands on my latte!!! Paralyzed with fear I again ORDERED hubby to find a way to get rid of it as I backed as far away as possible! I’m normally not this bossy, but bugs do strange things to me, which is ok, hubby understands me and was my hero, one of the many reasons I love him. So, yeah, half a heart attack later, I am free of the death trap formerly known as Sev, with my stinger-free latte (but sadly I was not brave enough for marshmallows again), but not without the fear that all bugs are out to get me.
And I was right, because only a week later I had another night of the living creepy crawlies. Its revenge of the bugs I tell you! The nightmare continues, I am not even safe where I sleep. The porch, and back room, and bathroom are one thing, but I need to be safe in my own bed. But alas, I now know I am not.
First I’m lying in bed reading, all relaxed and chilling with my good book, and I roll over to get more comfortable when who should decide to join my quiet time? A sneaky little spider creeping over the edge of the bed right in front of my face! Little spiders aren’t all that scary comparatively anymore, but sneaking onto my bed like that just about sent me flying! I could get seriously hurt moving that fast, and if I had claws I would have been hanging from the ceiling Tom & Jerry style! But it didn’t end there.
Wasps are particularly bad this year, we’ve found a few buzzing around our back room, but now I have found one upstairs in the bedroom. It was crawling so I watched it for awhile, hoping it couldn’t fly. It seemed I was right so I felt brave and thought I might actually have a chance at killing it myself if it can’t fly. I hate furthering the stereotype that girls are helpless, so I swallowed my every instinct to flail and scream for hubby, and instead found the nearest big object that could squish it with. I flung down the back side of my brush, hard as I could, on the black and yellow pain with wings, not even sure of the plush carpet allowed for sufficient squishage, so I held it down with pressure that turned my knuckles white for more than a minute. I slowly lifted the brush to see if I succeeded in a kill, but my nemesis was merely dazed and confused and a little flatter, so I quickly slammed the brush down again, breaking it in the process. I still managed to hold it down for another minute or two, because I couldn’t bear to look again, but I summoned all my courage and looked to see the wasp in a very non-dead state. Looking around the room to find something I could squish it with for the third time, I came up empty so I looked for something to scoop it up with instead so I could run and flush it before it became re-oriented and capable of moving. The handle of the broken brush was hollow and convenient so I used it to quickly pick it up and covered the top with some nearby Kleenex. Feeling pretty proud of myself I just moved to leave the room when I noticed a hole in the end of my cheap brush, and there I could see my recovering foe in the hollowed out end of the brush! I panicked and flung the wasp back on the carpet so I could cover it with the brush again, so I could find a more secure mode of transportation to the water bowl of death. Unfortunately the only thing within reaching distance, just barely (as I had to keep my hand pushing the brush down onto the wasp), was a cup, but I had no choice, and that cup would get a thorough washing. So I finally managed to scoop the resilient bugger up, covered the cup with Kleenex and ran down to the bathroom and sacrificed him with a triumphant flush! I went to brag to the man that despite my almost nauseating fear and near paralysis I conquered the wasp with no stings. He of course had to ruin my moment and tell me wasps don’t sting, they bite, so unlike bees their defence isn’t a onetime shot and then they are dead, they can bite and bite and bite some more until I’M dead! I told him next time, to heck with being brave, I’m going to play the silly helpless girl and he does the remainder of the Crocodile Hunter stunts!