Why I haz the sad.
And why I didn't want to talk about it.
My mind has already been telling my heart to 'just get over it', I have all the head knowledge that tells me to 'always rejoice', 'God knows what He's doing', etc. But my heart just refuses to listen to logic right now. And so I've felt like such a fake on FB, pretending everything is wonderful all the time, when I really felt the opposite, but also felt like I couldn't just vent because I knew there was likely some people who would try to tell me what I already know and expect I 'just needed to hear that'. I needed to hear anything but that. Actually, hugs say it all, that's what I really needed, no words.
The other reason I maintained more silence than usual was because I didn't want anyone misconstruing my reasons. My sister has been able to experience a miracle, she has been blessed by getting to give birth to a son that she thought she likely never would. She was in a similar place as I am just 10 months ago, coming to terms with never having biological children. And now she has what was once thought 'not meant to be'. I have not had even the slightest bit of envy directed at them, I am nothing but ecstatic they have received this gift from God. I don't want anyone to think otherwise because she deserves to have this, she deserves motherhood, and she deserves to have it without ANY guilt. In fact, the few times these last 12 days where I haven't been consumed with my own heartbreak have been the times I have been with her and our little miracle man. The only thing better than hugs is baby therapy.
Obviously we don't know what's meant to be until God wants us to know. And even though we have felt we had to start living as though biological children are not meant to be, it doesn't mean God doesn't give us a supernatural motherhood. My sister received the gift of supernatural motherhood when God allowed her to conceive against the odds. The question is, what will a supernatural motherhood look like for me? And how do I endure until He wants me to know.
1 comment:
I think this blog post touches my heart in so many ways that it's hard to explain.. I know many women who have and are experiencing what you are right now. And I totally get where you are in this, and I will say... It's okay to feel what you are feeling, and what's more, I know My God, Your God, is big enough to hear what you say and feel. I mean after all, He already Knows!! He is not surprized by what you feel! So I say to you dear one, just crawl up on His big ole lap and rest there with Him. And yes, even ask Him the hard questions... He will listen, and You may just be surprized at His answer. And yes, I know waiting for answers is HARD, but I know this in my heart of hearts, it is in the waiting that I grow, because I keep seeking the answers!! So just keep on asking!!!
From an old mother who has been around and around the block!!
Blessings, Sweet One!!
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