two become one

"Two become one" is pronounced at weddings, and many people act as if that's all it takes to unite two individual lives. Sure, it does immediately unite them under one roof, with united finances, united expenses, united possessions, united families, united bodies. But does it immediately unite our minds and hearts? Do we automatically always think and feel and act in the best interests of both equally? I think the answer of course would be no.

At the beginning we may, but as time goes on we don't want to continue to compromise on every issue we don't see eye to eye on, we each want to be free to be ourselves with our loved one, because after all we committed to them because they love us for who we really are. There will be times when the homebody is tired of socializing, even at a compromised level, or the social butterfly is tired of being cooped up at home, even at a compromised level. And that is just one of probably hundreds of personality quirks people have, a couple will never be 100% in sync with all of them.

And so when our individual needs are not gettting met we get frustrated, and we think, 'if they love me why don't they _________(fill in the blank)?' We think, 'if we are one, why does my spouse still think in a way that doesn't always consider us/me?' We begin thinking in terms of 'one' but usually we are that 'one'. Where does this delusion come from that love means the other person will always want to meet you half way, or more? I think part of it is how we view our 'oneness'.

The pronouncement 'two become one' isn't a magic spell the minister casts on us, eliminating us as individuals and creating a new being. We aren't just blended into one compromised, murky being. The phrase is meant to explain that we are no longer two individuals trying to make it in this world alone, this oneness explains we are two individuals who have joined as a team that will face life together. We are still individuals, we were created as individuals, we fell in love with each other as individuals, and it's our individuality that makes a team succeed, because we each bring different strengths to the marriage. We are individuals that have joined with someone who has agreed to share in the burdens and joy that life will bring. Becoming a team, building a life together as a team, trying to do what's best for the team, requires teamwork.

We have to work at understanding each other as individuals, we have to work at a life that makes us both happy, we have to work at making sure each has a turn at give and take, we have to work at choosing to love each other despite disagreements and pain, we have to work at growing as individuals and as a couple, we have to work at keeping our vows of commitment, we have to work at creating an environment in which our love will grow stronger.

Before I was married I would probably have agreed with marriage being a team effort, rather than an amalgamation, yet I still found myself wondering why I couldn't get more compromise, why I couldn't make Sean see my way was better for us. Somewhere along the way I forgot he is still his own person, has his own needs seperate from mine, has a different perception from mine. And that is dangerous ground, because then it's not a far leap to make assumptions that he doesn't love me as much or doesn't want what's best for our marriage. This is something I've recently begun to realize, the power of my thoughts, that they can become real feelings, and soon feelings become actions. And so with this realization, I see that path becomes much too easy to follow if we don't understand the real meaning of 'two become one'.

I know marriage isn't easy, we have had our days when we've looked at each other and wondered, 'do you even love me?' But there is a choice in every hurt, to work at it and forgive for the sake of our marriage, or to begrudge for the sake of ourselves. I received a piece of advice shortly into our marriage that I have kept with me. Think of your marriage as a scale, one side is a pile of the good things that happen and the other is the bad. Of course, you are married for a reason, so you start of with a heavy good side, and so when one bad thing happens it doesn't tip the scale. If you deal with that one bad thing when it happens, weighing it against all the good, it is easy to forgive and heal, but if you let bad things pile up and don't deal with them, eventually they may outweigh the good by the time you finally want/need to deal with it. It will be much harder to choose to stay in a marriage where the bad outweighs the good, but if you choose your marriage during each bad situation, there will still be work involved but it will always be easier.

And don't just wait until work needs to be done in your marriage, do some preventitive work. Your spouse will never be perfect, so don't wait until they are to show them how much you love and appreciate them. I found this cool site through Pam, which is about putting your love on display, literally. And I have, I am letting my hubby, and the whole world, know how much I love him.....via this t-shirt. The makers of this t-shirt have an awesome message, I encourage you to read about it.