Slow and Steady

Doesn't always win the race, but still completes it.

This is the advice my sister Tami gave me yesterday. Tami, a personal trainer and marathon runner, first inspired me a few Father's Days ago when she completed the half marathon 13 miles (21k). I since tried getting on the marathon bandwagon, but I made a few mistakes, wrong motives, trying to do it all by myself, and taking generic internet coaching.

Now, somehow a conversation between my sisters and I last night ended up instigating a challenge to do the 10k marathon next Father's Day together. So, being an all or nothing kinda girl, I did my first run this morning already! Wasn't bad for first exercise in a few months and first time running since last summer, but about twice as slow as I would like to do the 10k...but we'll see. As Tami said, you don't have to run faster, just longer.

So that's where I started this morning, and I learned so much today. The main theme of what I learned was about distractions, good and bad.
Good Distraction #1: Breathing properly. Without having to try to worry about time or pace, and just running, I was for the first time ever able to pay attention to my breathing almost the entire run. I think it helped my lung capacity, energy and I was so into my breathing that I missed the street I was going to turn around at and ran 7 blocks further than I meant to, which meant 14 blocks further....which I ended up walking the second 7 so I could run the last 16 blocks.

Bad Distraction #1: I realized that previously my discomfort easily distracted me during a run and made it less enjoyable. I bought a new running outfit in winter hoping to motivate myself to get back on the treadmill (which it didn't) but today I realized a proper sports bra, a long fitted shirt I wasn't worried about riding up, and long fitted (not tight) pants I wasn't worried about rolling down or pant legs being too short, I was able to concentrate on good distractions. I didn't realize the poor clothing choices I was making before really kept me so self-conscious, which made running in them pretty unpleasant. Here's my new, relatively cheap, but very comfy running outfit.

Good Distraction #2: Music. When a song with a great beat came up in my playlist I found my pace definitely picked up, but also because it was a worship set I found myself full of praise and gratefulness for the ability to run.

Bad Distraction #2: Similar to ill-fitting clothes, ear buds that don't fit properly, that I had to constantly be putting back in my ears, or hurt my ears, had a negative impact on my running previously. I happened to get a new pair with some new electronic in the last 6 months, but they were different than other pairs so I decided to try them and they were fantastic! 

Good Distraction #3: Positive attitude. I'm doing this for many positive reasons, why would I want to ruin it with the attitude that running sucks. So I spent the time enjoying it, the perfect breeze, smiling at other people as we passed, my ability to run longer on cement than I ever have before, and more.

Bad Distraction #3: I admit, today I realized how much I used to set myself up for failure. In addition to all the above mentioned, I also didn't stretch before my runs previously. I know, shame on me. I have in the last 7 weeks every Thursday I have been privy to witness an exercise group who stretches, runs, and then cools down/meditates and so this morning my first thought as I stepped outside was that I should stretch. It made a world of difference. Duh! My usual leg strain was gone after 4 blocks rather than being my companion most of the run. That constant pain obviously made it unpleasant to run.

Good Distraction #4: Adding a positive voice to the internal tape playing in my head. The old wrong motives, and relying on my own strength, and holding myself to anonymous internet standards really was a discouraging bunch of voices to accompany every run. All it took was one simple phrase from my sister, advice she herself used to accomplish several marathons, and I found new grace for myself and those other voices were completely silenced. Another marathoning friend (who leads the Thursday classes I observe) told me today, 'the only person you need to race is who you were yesterday.' This is no different than any other area of life, the negative voices distract from accomplishing goals, positive voices give faith in myself.

So, with all that I was able to run farther on cement than I ever have before, I was in the least pain after a run I have ever experienced, I had the most energy after the run than I have ever had, and it was probably the slowest run I've had in 6 years, lol. So all in all, very successful!

Wellness Wednesday

As I mentioned, May turned into cheat month. Yes month. Once you've gone completely off track it is so much easier to stay there. I am starting my count for just about every luxury no-no over again as of June 1st. So for now I will keep a running tally of how much I did eat in the last 4+ months, it seems a lot better more encouraging when I say it that way :)

So in the last 141 days I have had only :)
8 desserts
9 beverages
2 portions of chips

I still have not had any donuts, juices or milks! Still not bad considering most of that

And I went for an hour and a half long walk on Monday and about a 40 minute walk last week too. Rain hasn't been making walking outside easy but I'm going to keep trying, as long as it isn't too cold. A lot of season finale's on t.v. lately so my schedule is blowing wide open :)

And on all other fronts I am feeling good, feeling healthy. Intentionally working on how to keep hope afloat but more so how to remember my weakness is when God's grace and power are made perfect. I need to learn to let go of the desire NOT to be weak long before I reach the end of myself. And I have a few tools in my pocket now to help with that.

I have realized also though that I haven't had a consistent spiritual filling since our small group transformed. I think I might be spiritually dehydrated. My soul is refreshed now and then, through certain people, through certain situations, but those just are not happening frequently enough. I am in need of a small group where I have people pouring into me, not just me pouring into others. Or a mentor. I'm still looking for one of those. May have found a candidate or two :) We'll see where God takes that relationship. All I know is I'm doing a lot of pouring out without as much pouring back in.

But overall, I'm good. Better than good. Thank God for that.

Wellness Wednesday

Well, after just over a week of struggling, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, I think I am back to my normal. I am thankful I have a lot of wonderful people in my life I can reach out to, and talk to, each understands a different aspect, in a different way, and can speak truth into those moments. But mostly I am just surrounded by support and encouragement and hugs and I feel beyond blessed for the people God has placed in my life to love me back to health.

Even my physical health is bouncing back, which it had a lot to have to recover from. The fatigue is gone so I'm going to go out for some walks this week again. Back to cooking rather than eating out. Back to my plateau weight, so a small gain of 3 lbs. And the cheats are now done. I think :)

It feels like I was cheating for so long but it was really just the Sunday to Sunday. No offense to mom's but one day gets so dragged out, it felt like Smothers Day for 8 days. But with some cheating, great friends, and some avoidance tactics, I was actually mostly good by Sunday.

I capped this really difficult time testing out some talk therapy for my depression with my favorite counselor (technically in training), my hubby. I realized, the food did very little to help how I felt. The most helpful thing was talking with friends and God. But even that mostly only worked in the moment I was talking to those friends, in any moment of isolation and no effective distractions, I wasn't ok. And so I've learned I need to work on that while I am back to 'normal', preventative preparation, so that next time I don't feel so hopeless. Sean did an amazing job of helping me see hope that doesn't depend on a future event, but the hope I have in each day. It's strange how I can see and be blessed by joy, gratitude, love daily, yet the absence of hope still trumped that, and so I need to tie in hope to that joy, gratitude and love.

Wellness Wednesday - Mental Health

Before I get to my usual health related confessional, I wanted to take a moment to talk about a topic still not very prevalent in our society, mental health, since it's mental health awareness week.

I admittedly have a limited mental health awareness. I have had more interactions with some than others, such as bi-polar, anxiety and depression. I did quite a bit of research on the former two, because they have both affected my life directly, anxiety has been a problem of mine and bi-polar was an issue of my ex. But the latter, depression, I hadn't felt it was my concern to understand why some people felt more sad and hopeless than others, I just felt I needed to be understanding of their struggle without needing to understand it.

It's actually been a curiosity unfolding though for 15 months now. After my miscarriage in January of last year I fell into an overwhelming sadness, I felt desperate, anxious, numb, had a lack of concentration, fatigue/low energy, couldn't sleep well, felt irritable and on edge.  I happened to have a close friend who deals with depression and I got up the courage to ask her, is this what depression feels like? Turns out I had described many of her exact symptoms. Because my limited understanding of depression was that it was beyond circumstances and control, I didn't want to equate my short-term feelings to the pain she's gone through a big portion of her life, but I also had this desire to label what I was going through. At the time I just ended up calling it grief.

But since then I've realized I've had these episodes before, and I wondered if it was possible to have situational depression? Could it be a real thing? I never really dived into it though. I, at the most, have only had 2 episodes in a year, usually only one. I could always trace my episodes back to either the hopelessness I've felt in my infertility, or relational stress from repressed feelings. Did it mean I am more prone to them through certain stresses? Possibly, but they were typically gone in a week, two after the miscarriage. I ended up just letting my concerns fade away.

Then I just went through a few more shorter periods between October and January, and even wrote about it here, how my hope was under attack. And I don't doubt that was in part spiritual. Maybe it all is, but just the awareness of the spiritual element only helped things temporarily. Because they are back again.

Last week, for reasons I'm not entirely sure of, the hopelessness started to increase and with it, most of the other symptoms started creeping back in as well. I invited prayer and God into the situation and it alleviated it for a few days, but Sunday it began to grow stronger again, and today at work I'm sitting here wondering how I'm even able to type out coherent thoughts because my mind is so numb, filled with fog. For the last two days I've just wanted to hibernate. I actually did yesterday, called in sick. It was my last chance at being pregnant before Mother's Day. I felt a little ridiculous calling in for just a normal period. But it wasn't just that. I was going to jokingly call it a 'mental health' day, which has been slang for many years for 'I'm just tired of working and I need a break from my job' day. Then it occurred to me though, the feeling of being under depression was truly a mental health issue, I was taking a legitimate mental health day.

Now back at work, a friend and co-worker brought up the mental health awareness week, and asked if we could tie in a talk about it in to our National H&S week activities. She will be giving a talk about it Friday and I decided to help do a little research. And guess what I found, there is such a thing as situational (or reactive) depression. With all of the symptoms I have (plus a few more) included.

What does this mean for me, having all but been actually diagnosed? I'm not sure. Talking about it in therapy-like sessions seems the normal recommendation. I do find when I am talking about it to the people who are understanding and let me verbal process, it really does alleviate a lot of the weight I feel on me. I do need to find additional solutions though. I have been so numb the last week I have been trying to feel through taste. I have cheated on my luxury abstinence in just about every category in the last 4 days. 4 desserts on Monday alone. So that tells you right there how my physical health has been the last week.

The reason I wanted to write about this though wasn't so I could validate that I have a type of depression, but so that other people might be aware that real feelings of depression do exist outside of clinical depression, they are valid, it isn't just you, and it isn't 'all in your head.' And there are options to treat it, you don't have to suffer with it. I intend to start looking for help, because frankly this sucks.

Wellness Wednesday

Well, April has been a hard month.

First the side effects from the medication were the worst ever. Usually they start right before and stop after ovulation but they kept going, no fading, just strong discomfort continuing day after day. It made me exhausted, hungry, emotionally hungry, uncomfortable, hot, cold, bloated, emotional, but mostly in pain. With Easter I know I fell off the wagon with chocolate quite a few days before these symptoms hit their worst, so I knew I had gained a pound or two back, but then I gained back 5 and my stomach was sticking out like I was 3 months pregnant (which I am NOT, so therefore DO NOT want to look like it). I had to wear loose clothes so as not to put any more pressure on my abdomen, but not so loose it looked like I was trying to hide a belly. Yuck. Some pretty tough, and not so healthy, days.

But, I went up for prayer after Church and the next day it was all mostly gone, just a slight bruised feeling from all that pain. I haven't yet dared step on the scale yet but the belly bloat is back to almost where it was before, so I'm happy about that.

Thankfully, one thing that helped alleviate all the above, AND helped me feel like I was making more of a healthy effort, was going on walks now that the weather is permitting. I walked about 2 hours last week over 3 trips and it was the one time I was feeling fairly good. Another highlight of April, because chocolate isn't a cheat (despite the chocolate overload) I didn't cheat at all on anything this month! My first full month of no cheats! :) That makes me very happy!

Oh, and I realized I forgot to add milk and chocolate milk to my list last time, I have not had milk to drink in 121 days and have not had chocolate milk to drink in 48 days. Although the only reason I cheated with chocolate milk (and forgot to record it in March) was because for some reason I wasn't able to swallow my medication with just water that week, only milk, so I figured if I'm going to cheat for necessity it's going to be chocolate milk :)

So yeah, a step back, a step forward. All I can say is I'm looking forward to ownership of my body back next month, because I'm off the meds. Maybe permanently, don't know yet. All I know is I need a break!

Wellness Wednesday

Just wanted to remind myself of some victories.

It has been at minimum 113 days since I have had:
coffee/cafe latte's
hot chocolate
cappuccino
frappachino
slur-pees
cookies
donuts
brownies
cupcakes

It has been 87 days without tea/tea latte's.

It has been 68 days without chips.

It has been 53 days without alcohol.

It has been 41 days without cake.

It has been 27 days without coke.

It may have gotten rougher but now it's getting easier again. :) Yeah!

Now if only I had forfeited chocolate for the month of April :/ Yikes!

The Inheritance

Insurmountable debt.

This is your inheritance.

An outrageous obligation!

What?! How?! Why?!

You didn't ask to be born into this!

You will NEVER be able to repay what is owed.

Not in your life time.

Not in the life time of your children, or your children's children.

In this fashion it was passed down to you from previous generations.

Which is why the debt persists.

And the burden of the liability weighs heavy on you.

It wasn't yours, but has now become yours.

It seems impossible.

It wouldn't have mattered if you'd known from day one, there would be no earning a way out of this.

Until.

One day, a man comes to you and says he will take the debt on your behalf.

ALL OF IT.

'You're crazy! No one in their right mind would sacrifice that much just to help me.'

'I promise, I can and want to do this for you. Just sign it all over to me, I've got the paperwork already drawn up.'

'What is this, some random act of kindness?  Is there a camera rolling somewhere?'

'I promise you, this is not random. I have thought this through, long and hard. Now will you let me help you?'

You are at the end of your rope.

At the end of yourself.

You don't know what else to do.

What do you have to lose?

And so you do it.

You release the debt to this stranger, who seems to good to be true.

The bank statement shows zero outstanding.

It is finished.

You owe nothing.

Not even to your benefactor.

And then a surprise twist.

You start to read the 'paperwork' he drew up.

You drop the papers along with your jaw.

You pick it back up, studying the words carefully.

You read it over and over again, looking to convince yourself of their truth.

But there it is, in black and white.

You are now the heir to a king.

Your inheritance has been swapped, from pauper to prince.

You are royalty, bequeathed a kingdom, a mansion, land, riches.

Riches far more precious than mere gold.

You received an inheritance so vast it will take all of eternity to fully comprehend it.
You were not only freed but you were blessed.

Now that is Good News.

1 Peter 1:18-19, 3-4