Saturday, October 2, 2010
We interrupt this regularly scheduled programming
I need to give myself a break, figuretively and literally. Ever since I've realized having children is not a likely future for us I have been a little obsessed with re-shaping my life and my purpose, and for some reason I have felt I needed to impliment every idea I ever had to fill the 'empty' life this would leave me with. I've created one list after another of things I feel I need/want to accomplish with this different future, a list of attributes/skills/characteristics I can shape in myself now that I won't have a life focused on raising children.
And I needed to act on it all NOW. Maybe so I wouldn't feel a void, maybe because I never was good at being idle, resting, relaxing.
I, being a natural born planner and scheduler, planned and scheduled all these new goals of mine with next to no wiggle room. I even put just about every goal in my Outlook calendar, reminders and all. I thought I accounted for the freedom to follow a God-led purpose, I realize now that embracing gifts he gave me didn't mean I had to use them all and so frequently. And I totally didn't account for 'life happens'.
And it did.
Life happened. What did I think I would do when work got crazy? How did I not see I had far too many priorities? Why didn't I slow down when people close to me started struggling? Or when I started struggling? My calendar reminders didn't stop appearing when those started. But amidst it all, I've continued to feel obligated to keep up with my schedule, after all, I have this person I'm trying to become, it was my choice to make these priorities, these goals. I would guiltally press 'Snooze' on all those reminders with good intentions of getting back to them all later, but they just piled up, overwhelming me even more.
I forgot to schedule time to.just.be.
So that's what I'm doing now. No more lists, no more goals, no more 'how am I doing' type blog entries. This is going to be a little weird for me because this is just part of who I am, my 'regularly scheduled programming' is self-improving, planning, preparing, purpose-driven, etc. I'm finally giving myself a break.
Don't know how long I'll need, but until I stop feeling so overwhelmed and unaccomplished, I'm on hiatus from all things goal-oriented.