Why....

Why I haz the sad.

And why I didn't want to talk about it.

My mind has already been telling my heart to 'just get over it', I have all the head knowledge that tells me to 'always rejoice', 'God knows what He's doing', etc. But my heart just refuses to listen to logic right now. And so I've felt like such a fake on FB, pretending everything is wonderful all the time, when I really felt the opposite, but also felt like I couldn't just vent because I knew there was likely some people who would try to tell me what I already know and expect I 'just needed to hear that'. I needed to hear anything but that. Actually, hugs say it all, that's what I really needed, no words.

The other reason I maintained more silence than usual was because I didn't want anyone misconstruing my reasons. My sister has been able to experience a miracle, she has been blessed by getting to give birth to a son that she thought she likely never would. She was in a similar place as I am just 10 months ago, coming to terms with never having biological children. And now she has what was once thought 'not meant to be'. I have not had even the slightest bit of envy directed at them, I am nothing but ecstatic they have received this gift from God. I don't want anyone to think otherwise because she deserves to have this, she deserves motherhood, and she deserves to have it without ANY guilt. In fact, the few times these last 12 days where I haven't been consumed with my own heartbreak have been the times I have been with her and our little miracle man. The only thing better than hugs is baby therapy.

Obviously we don't know what's meant to be until God wants us to know. And even though we have felt we had to start living as though biological children are not meant to be, it doesn't mean God doesn't give us a supernatural motherhood. My sister received the gift of supernatural motherhood when God allowed her to conceive against the odds. The question is, what will a supernatural motherhood look like for me? And how do I endure until He wants me to know.

Blogger vs Facebook

Maybe it's just because it's a smaller circle that follows me here on Blogger, maybe it's because you've all followed me through my struggles, you know about my pain, maybe it's because Blogger communities seem more intimate, almost family like, and feelings put out there are usually embraced and supported.

Maybe it's because Facebook you feel obliged to accept 'friendship' with people who you know, and even like, but don't really share life with. Maybe it's because Facebook seems to unofficially invite those non-life-sharers to bluntly and thoughtlessly grace you with their uninformed opinions. Maybe it's because Facebook is literally the 'world wide web', it's a 'small world' and placing feelings out there is like renting a billboard.

I love FB for many reasons but today Blogger wins. Today that means posting this and I won't have to explain why, I won't have to see (or even get) insensitive comments. I can just vent here. I can just 'be' here.

Fruits of the Lori

Progress Report time again. Boy, I missed last month's reminder for focus re-alignment :) Hope I didn't get too off track.

Health. So, I was pretty tired of my lacidasical attitude towards food, giving myself way too much leeway and letting my 'hunger' pangs rule the roost. As you read in my One-oh-One post I went on a 5 day protein-shake bender, lol, which I hoped would help whip my self-restraint into shape, as well as train my stomach to be satisfied with a certain amount of calories/food. I think it was a great success! Having neglected to weigh myself before this started I'm not entirely sure how much I lost because I was anywhere between 2-6 lbs heavier than I am today, and most of that was from my stomach area (YES! *fist pump*) but the most important part is that I haven't found myself hungry in the evenings like I was, and even if I am I now have the restraint to stick to a schedule of calories.
Also, I've done some looking into the best foods to keep my energy up while also being key in reducing actual fat not just weight. I bought a new scale that has a fat % calculator and I did not like what I saw after the weight flashed by! Part of that is due to my exercise, I've been considering being 'active' (like gardening) as exercise and I need to be both, so more aerobics and weights for me! Good news is the changes in my nutrition have really boosted my energy to do that! I've been able to find the energy and motivation to workout more, and ended up gaining 2 lbs back...IN MUSCLE. How do I know that? Because my fat % went down 4 %! YAY!

Self Discovery. In the last 2 months I have done a lot of self-discovery, mostly NOT through journalling. I've had a revelation that I will not be a natural mother, but I can still be a supernatural mother! I've taken a course on spiritual gifts and discovered SO much about how God has created me and all the seemingly random wiring has all been for a reason! It's been really good to see myself more as God sees me and it makes we wish this kind of clarity for everyone.
Some of my SD journalling has come through my new 101 list, especially having gone through life avoiding things or being afraid to try things, and now it's exciting to think of all the things I might LOVE but have been missing out on because I thought I was NTKOG. I also finally finished that huge entry in my creative journal, it was a manifesto of sorts, laying out exactly what I believe about God and why. Man was it long! :) 4 pages typed! But it was affirming to see it all in writing and to know I have no doubts how awesome my God is.

Self Discipline. Still making ok progress on my daily Bible reading, I'm also now finished Leviticus, Numbers, Deuteronomy, Joshua and half way through Psalms, Proverbs, Luke, and just starting Judges.
SD with food and sugar, well, kinda covered that already, so thumbs up! SD with prayer is something I've been needing more of though. Seems when things are going well my thoughts are consumed with things I like to do (my zillions of hobbies!), and when things are not going well my thoughts are consumed with the struggles so I pray out of that consumption. I really need to discipline myself to pray even during the good times. Good times afterall are not perfect times, there are still people who are struggling, usually it's with complacency which is a bit less thought provoking than negativity. I have a few prayers in particular that are weighing on me and I would love to be that pesky woman knocking on that judges door and who gets an answer just because of her persistance....and faith. I want to start a prayer journal again I just need to step up the SD and just do it!

Consideration. I did get to perform a random act of consideration in May, my cuz needed a pick-me-up so I brought her some homemade goodies :) I've had a few people who've really needed a listening ear and some insightful words of encouragement lately, which I'm not sure was my intuition picking up on it or they are just that open with me, but it felt good to make them feel heard and understood and valued. Turns out I've actually been on the receiving end of some insightful consideration myself lately and thanks to all the wonderful ladies in my life who know when I need some words of love and encouragement, you inspire me to be that for others!

Are Feminists Hurting Feminism?

I really am averse to calling myself a feminist, yet that is almost a ‘sin’ these days among women who care to be considered educated and modern. My favourite author once wrote, “Regardless of what we think any particular word should mean, it actually means what society interprets it to mean.” He was referring to the word Christian, and how most people’s definition of the word is anything but “and they’ll know we are Christians by our love.” Do we reject the label or change the meaning of the label? Well that is maybe a subject for another blog but I wanted to mention it because saying I’m not a feminist seems to automatically make people assume I am of archaic ideals, that I believe women should be subservient, or that I live under a rock and can’t see inequality between genders in today’s society. Well, I’m not, I don’t and I can.

My problem is not with feminism.
feminism [fem-uh-niz-uhm] -noun “the doctrine advocating educational, social, economical, political and all other rights of women equal to those of men.”
My problem is with feminists.

Now, I have to preface this by saying, when I say feminists I don’t mean every woman who calls herself a feminist, I’m talking about the majority of feminists who are visible to me. There are two specific agendas I see in these feminists in particular that REALLY irk me! I’ll start with the least offensive one :)

First, the agenda of de-feminizing women. It is ironic most feminists are fiercely rejecting their femininity in the name of equality. Somewhere along the line feminists came to believe being “equal to” means “being the same as”. And they believe it’s our feminine qualities that make us inferior, these weaker traits like being nurturing, soft-hearted, etc., are considered a ‘socially structured’ quality in women, and we must shed these qualities or perpetuate continued inequality. In order to be equal these feminist truly believe we have to prove we are like men, can do what men can do, and essentially become men. The goal of feminism is to say we are equal as humans, humans who should have the same rights, it is NOT to make us entitled to equal abilities and attributes! There are a lot of abilities that other women have that I don’t but that doesn’t make us unequal in our rights. Isn’t it actually a detriment to the feminist movement to emulate men, to say with our actions that we are only deserving of the same rights as men as long as we act/look/think/perform like men? That is only furthering the perception that we are inferior, that we can’t get these rights just because we’re a human, we have to be like a male human.
And society enables this flawed view, I mean seriously, lowering physical standards of society’s protectors (just as one, severe, example) just so a woman can “stand her own” with men (which of course she’s actually NOT if the standards are lowered) in any profession she chooses! Really!! Would we hire a man to be a bikini model just because men and women are equal, physical limitations be damned/ignored? Now before I get something thrown at me, I’m not saying some women CAN’T be equal in physicality and strength, etc. to some men, it’s just not the way genders are naturally predisposed to develop. And I’m not saying all women have to be feminine, but we who are do not have to de-feminize ourselves in order to be equal.

Second, the agenda to make men inferior. These feminists want far more than equality, they want superiority. They are not content with the same rights, they want to reject everything and anything remotely male oriented. Just a few examples of how they assert this agenda (pulled from direct quotes from feminists):
1. Marriage is an institution constructed and legally sanctioned as a method of control over women, it is a legalized slavery. Women should reject marriage, not even live individually with a man. Women who are already married should leave their husbands. Women who don’t reject marriage do so because they are desperately close to receiving a much feared spinster label. Women who choose to save sex for marriage due so out of some implied incestuous pact with their father.
2. Every woman must be willing to be identified as a lesbian to be fully feminist.
3. Being a housewife is an illegitimate profession. There shouldn’t even be a choice to raise and serve a family, or to even plan life as a protected family-maker.
4. The father-figure God worshipped by the world is also to be rejected. All of history must be re-written in terms of oppression of women. Women must go back to ancient female religions like witchcraft (which usually worships a goddess).
5. People who believe in natural, complementary, gender roles automatically must believe that men are superior to women and that it's okay for men to treat women as inferior beings. AND this view has permeated ‘Christian’ society, this is not just "Father God" haters pushing this un-Godly philosophy. Have they read Genesis? A woman is the ONLY suitable helper.
help [help] –verb “to give or provide what is necessary to accomplish a task or satisfy a need.”
We are a necessary part of a plan, and a superior being wouldn’t need help from an inferior being now would they!
Seriously!?!? How can this fall under a doctrine of equality? How does any of this even help women? Not only does it oppress men, it oppresses most women! It’s strictly a Western agenda, none of this is relevant or helpful to the millions of women internationally who are a hundred times more marginalized than we are! Already in the late 1980’s the original feminists said of this new generation of feminists, “They’ve stripped us of everything. Any real legitimacy. The feminist movement is in ruins!”

Feminists are indeed hurting, no tanking, feminism. At least original feminism was helping our world come closer to just valuing people for who they are, for their individual and personal contributions. Thankfully, the ones who truly just want us all, men and women, to be given the same respect and opportunities for the simple reason we are human, are not limited by any feminist agenda, and they don’t even care about labelling themselves, they just live giving respect as they wish to receive it. And, as I’ve said before, I’m not a can of soup, so labels are bad, and so I’m not going to throw out the baby with the bathwater, I’m still going to be concerned with real marginalization of women, along with all humankind.

More One-Oh-One's Done

Here are some more scratches off my 101 to do list, all food related!

19. Cut out meat, carbs, sugar and caffeine from my diet for at least one week every 3 months
Lately I've been really fed up with my lack of discipline in the food area, making little allowances here and there and just knowing that's why I've creeped back up 5-9 lbs since my 29 lb drop Sept. 2008. I've been fluctuating between those 5-9 lbs for almost 2 years, and part of it's also been exercise but I just hasn't been as important to me as when I needed to lose 40-45 lbs. So much more was at stake then, I feel better about my body now, but deep down I know I should still lose 20 more lbs. So, I decided I'm going to recondition my body's idea of real hunger and self-restraint. I put myself on a meal-replacement diet this last whole week, Monday through to Friday, no meat, no carbs, and almost no sugar, but because I had caffeine I had to have sugar :) Don't worry, it's healthy, I've been getting my protein, fibre and vitamins through the shake I've been eating every meal for 5 days, adding plenty of fruit and dairy as well. And while calories were reduced, it's mostly because I wasn't snacking not because the shake lacked calories, I got more than the minimum per day (1200/day is said to be the lowest we should go before body thinks we're starving and slows metabolism). I created my shakes to get exactly the calories I wanted per day so snacking would have to be out of the question, and I could figure out if I was really hungry or not, and learned that half the time the growls go away when I know I'm not going to give into them. And I didn't lack any energy, probably had more, I slept fine and maybe even better, I felt good about myself that I CAN have self-restraint, and I lost a few pounds! This week has really re-fuelled my desire and motivation to lose that last 20 lbs (probably less lbs now ;) and I've already come up with a bunch of things I can do to boost my fat burning, keep a healthy but calorie limited diet, and exercise more. And I happened to accomplish most of my #19 for May-July!

23. Create another homemade soup recipe
It's been so rainy and therefore chilly (A/Cs are still running because technically it feels like it's in the 20s!) so I decided to try this goal before winter. Wanted a thick, creamy soup but obviously low in calories, for some reason a soup with white beans in it seemed like a good start and searched out http://www.recipezaar.com/ for some white bean soups. Decided I liked the sounds of some pretty interesting combinations, white beans with artichokes, white beans with cauliflower, white beans with potato's and cream....came up with my own combination of the ingredients (minus the potatoes, unnecessary fibre/starch/calories) including a low-fat way to make it creamy and it's pretty good! I'm still adjusting the spices a little to make it a tad more flavorful, but I'll post the recipe for my Creamy Veggie Chowder once I've got it down pat!

27. Try infusing flavours into vodka for cooking (NTKOG)
Thanks to a cool Smirnoff recipe book (freebie from hubby's work) I fell in love with the idea of adding vodka to my recipes. I've never been much of a fan of wasting money on booze just to cook with it, it's probably the most expensive ingredient out there!

I'm NTKOG who wastes good money on just one cooking ingredient, however, some of these recipes just were WAY too tempting not to try. Then it had a section in the back it had how to infuse flavors into vodka yourself so you don't have to buy a bottle of each flavor the recipes ask for, and I thought, brilliant! Now, that's my kind of do-it-yourself, cheaper version, I like getting into! So, I did, and I picked the flavors in most of the recipes I liked, vanilla, lemon, apple, basil, and garlic. You can see my next accomplished goal is part of the results :)

28. Try a new recipe at least once per month
Well, when hubby came home with the vodka recipe book, he already had one flagged for me to try, of course :) So dutiful wife that I am I tried a delicious pork roast with bacon, soaked in an apple vodka mix and then baked in a basil vodka mustard gravy, with a side of mashed apple sweet potato's, made with apple vodka and apples.

Then I used the leftover sauce from the roast and used it on another recipe I found that was similar except it called for white wine instead of vodka, so I made basa fillets wrapped around asparagus and smoked Gouda wrapped in prosciutto, in this the same mustard gravy, yummy! Here's some pics, courtesy of the recipe books, of the 3 very tasty new recipes I tried in May.


30. Find ways to eliminate buying any food with unnecessary preservatives and packaging
Mac and Cheese is one of my favorite foods, that KD yummy cheesiness! However, I do realize that cheese (and most everything) that comes in powder former is highly processed and has LOTS of preservatives, so I've been avoiding the KD. AND been trying to create a suitable substitute. I haven't come close to a clone, but I did get a pretty delish cheese sauce from mixing cheddar cheese soup with low-fat milk and low-fat mayo! Cheese from a can probably isn't a whole lot better, but I'm making improvements! I'm going to keep experimenting, but if you know any great homemade mac n' cheez recipeez feel free to share!

Laugh of the Day

I heard this story on CHVN and just couldn't help myself from LAUGHING OUT LOUD!

A couple getting married wanted a Bible verse written on their wedding cake that meant a lot to them. It was 1 John 4:18, "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear." A nice sentiment.

Unfortunately, the cake makers were not careful with the order form and eventually the verse reference was smudged so much the 1 (as in first) was gone and so the verse written on the cake was instead John 4:18, which goes a little something like this, " The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband. What you have just said is quite true."

OH MY GOSH!