Another step forward

As much as I've been looking forward to my first session, my first step to really intentional healing, I was anxious. Big surprise :) Anxious is my middle name these days. On Saturday I started anticipating my session with my pastor when the anxiety started creeping in. At least I knew what this anxiety attack was about, unlike most of my others. I knew I was in very capable and trustworthy hands, but I felt the familiar tightness in my chest, and I felt the need to hash out in my mind everything I felt should be said, my mind was racing, I felt panicky. It didn’t help being out in the backyard with nothing but the stubborn weeds and my stubborn thoughts, both were a b!*@h to remove! And I couldn’t stop until yesterday morning when we were about half way there (half way was about 25 minutes into the drive there). I finally told myself sternly that I can’t prepare myself for what he’s going to need to know, he will ask the questions and I will just answer!
Everything went as expected, I didn't hear anything surprising, but mainly this was a meeting to lay foundation for how to proceed. He set up another meeting for June 30th in the evening and he advised me on how to prepare for a session more focused on inner healing. To get the most out of this he told me I’m going to have to be completely open to what God wants to show me and be completely honest, mostly with myself, about what really happened to me. I immediately thought I’m about as open and honest as I can get, I've been admitting this now for just over 2.5 years. Until he said “no tip-toeing around it, you have to be able to acknowledge in no uncertain terms what he did to you.” And I immediately knew that was one of the blocks I’ve had to full healing. Head knowledge and heart knowledge are two very different things. And maybe I didn't have as much head knowledge as I thought I did. I decided to change that, you can read more about my becoming prepared for the next step on my other blog here.
Another way to prepare for this, he suggested, was to get people to intentionally pray for me over the next week. He didn't specifically say for what, but I would say pray that my eyes are opened to all the lies I might still believe, and prepare my heart to believe and embrace the truths He wants me to accept. Also pray that I open myself completely to the steps God shows me I need to take in order to heal. Thanks again to all of you who already remember me in your prayers, you have had a part in pushing me forward, I can't thank you enough.

Accountability - Health Tracker

% of goal June 14-21
Calories 78%
Moderate Exercise 1.33%
Vigorous Exercise 33%
Water 72%
Fruit & Vegis 89%
Dairy 121%
Vitamins 64% days
God Time 75% times
4 lbs lost, just about at pre-Nashville weight

Being a part of The Gathering

So when I heard about the Ted Dekker fan event known as The Gathering (which is a terminology used in his Circle books for how the 'God following' community comes together to celebrate their relationship with each other and god), I really didn't know what to expect. It could be a re-creation of the gatherings in his books, or it could be an event that panders to typical fan frenziness, or anywhere in between. I was in awe the moment I stepped into the auditorium. The Circle and The Lake were the first things to greet us, so the emersion into the books begins. Loving it already!

We sat next to a really nice couple, Joe and Shannon from Michigan. It was nice sharing a bond of being “Dekkies” not to be confused with Trekkies, but we also had lunch with them and had a great conversation about almost everything but Ted’s books. Of course, being a fan of Ted usually means being a fan of Jesus : ) which taps into another unspoken bond.
There were story tellers, the narrator who was Moses-like, two mid-evil-like, and many dancers. All very beautiful and intriguing. All drawing us in to the stories we know and some we don’t...yet!

Ted did a wonderful skit, revealing the “evolution of a story teller”, voices beginning in his head, creating characters that sometimes he becomes. It’s also become known as “Ted’s Schizophrenic Meltdown”, but it was funny, moving and insightful. It was performed solely by him, even all the voices of his characters we heard. Very awesome.

Between publishers, Ted and story tellers we received glimpses into some future stories, some impending shortly, some we didn’t even know existed, and some not due for some time, given to us as a freebie!!
The part I enjoyed the most was the question and answer period with Ted Dekker. The line to ask was quite long and the questions all varied, from questions about where the stories are leading, to character development, to writing techniques/influences, and more. And the answers all led to one basic foundation. Every story is part of the greatest story, God’s story, and in order to be redeemed there has to be something to be redeemed from. Everyone has their own story and a story always has two sides, the story teller brings some and the reader brings the rest, no story is complete without both. A story is a journey of discovery, discovering yourself and your place in the greatest story. I was very enlightened and this was actually a surprising time of revelation I wasn’t expecting.

Although I had read many of his books, starting about 2005, it's pretty much been the books I've read this year that have really impacted me the deepest.
I came across Sinner in my Church bookstore just as the sermons started about Revelation, and it made the Great Deception so real for me, it made me so much more aware of the real purpose of life and not the typical things we focus so much on. Right after that I read the Slumber of Christianity (non-fiction), which is just the perspecitive I was needing after seeing the end times in a new light. I became so hungry for heaven! With the timing of my fasting and what I had been learning at Church, all of a sudden God was showing me my purpose so clearly, I was to be a crusader for truth, and give people a desire to get to the good stuff, heaven. I still wasn't sure how I was supposed to do that though.
Then came Boneman's Daughters, and it triggered in me the need to heal from my own Boneman situation, realizing that I couldn't help others until I had helped myself. This is where it sunk in, when he said stories are about discovering your own story, and how it ties into the greatest story. I had to start searching for my own resolution, and what God had in store for me, He alone would deal with my Boneman. I start counselling tomorrow!
And another piece of my life fell in to place when I heard him talk about discovery through stories. I have always loved writing but had somewhat given up on that dream because my stories never found a good ending. But I now know it's because I wrote to create an escape, to live in a fanciful life I wanted but didn't have. I was avoiding discovering the story I already was living, and that's where I had been going wrong. I didn't go to the Gathering to learn how to write as successfully as him (which it seemed quite a few other people did, from the questions that came from the Q&A), I came as a fan who has been touched deeply by one of God's story tellers (as many others at The Gathering also testified to), but I left knowing that writing was how God wanted me to show the truth. I know now I need to tell my own story about my Boneman. Of course, I'm going to be working on the healing first.
Anyway, that's just a small glimpse into my fantastic and revelationary time at The Gathering.
As you can tell, his stories can be life changing. I would encourage everyone to read Ted Dekker, he writes in just about every style, if you have a certain kind of book you like, let me know and I'll make a recommendation :) I'd really recommend the Circle series, they have a Narnia-esque essence to them, I think they are the next "Chronicles of Narnia" for our generation. There is a new book being added this September, a great opportunity to start reading the series. Here's a trailer.

If you get hooked and can't help but be a Dekkie, also known as Forest Guard (you'll know once you are one) you can go to the same sight where the trailer is and you can join the Forest Guard officially, and don't forget to let them know I'm the one who led you there (just enter in my email address seanlori@shaw.ca when asked Were you referred by a friend? :) I can win a chance to be a character in an upcoming book, or meet him in person for lunch in Texas if I get enough people hooked on him! It's not all that hard to do that, all you have to do is read the right books and he'll draw you in himself. Enjoy!

Crazy Eights Hoopla

Crazy Eights Hoopla

Technically wasn't tagged, but enough of the blogs I read were doing it and I haven't done one in such a long time.

Eight things I'm looking forward to (in no particular order):
1. Going for walks with all my girlfriends this summer
2. My newest tattoo, it’s all planned out just waiting for authentic Chinese calligraphy
3. Losing the rest of my weight, gained a little on vacation so I’ve got 18lbs to lose
4. Starting my Stampin Up! business
5. Possibly getting a puppy!
6. My birthday
7. Hanging out with my family on Father’s Day
8. Dealing and healing

Eight things I did yesterday:
1. Played with lots of puppies at Petland!
2. Rented and played Lego Indiana Jones on Wii with hubby
3. Download pictures off the camera and up on Facebook
4. Drank a non-fat mocha latte
5. Gave BIL his Nashville Souveniers
6. Took pictures of a beautiful Blue Jay in our back yard
7. Received a pot of beautiful yellow lillies from hubby :)
8. Debated seeing George Canyon sing in Niverville but decided not to after all

Eight things I wish I could do:
1. Be more healthy, physically & emotionally
2. Be a mom
3. Travel around the world
4. Be lucratively self-employed
5. Not be anxious about anything, have peace about everything
6. Have a little farm that runs completely off renewable energy
7. Design and sew my own clothes
8. Move all my loved ones to live on my own personal tropical island

Eight shows I watch:
1. How I Met Your Mother
2. CSI
3. Criminal Minds
4. Grey's Anatomy
5. The Mentalist
6. Medium
7. Big Bang Theory
8. Lost

Eight people hi-fived:Anyone reading this that would like to do it - you've just been hi-fived!

Musical Mondays - The Climb

I can almost see it
That dream I’m dreaming but
There’s a voice inside my head sayin,
You’ll never reach it,
Every step I’m taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an up-hill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I’m facing
The chances I’m taking
Sometimes might knock me down but
No I’m not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I’m gonna remember most yeah
Just gotta keep going
And I, I gotta be strong
Just keep pushing on
Cause...

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an up-hill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith baby
It’s all about
It’s all about
The climb
Keep the faith
Keep your faith

~Miley Cyrus

Got my wires crossed

Normally I am a pretty emotional person, I've been told I "feel things deeply". And I do. Except when it comes to emotions about anything related to Richard. Those emotions were tampered with, he re-wired me with his manipulation and now it's really hard for me to feel what I'm supposed to feel when it comes to him.
Last night I had another nightmare, and this one was the worst yet, very graphic, very real emotionally, yet in my dream I didn't have the right emotional response and when I woke up I had a hard time feeling what I knew I should feel as well. I knew I should have been horrified, angered, disgusted, and I knew I should be weeping. But all I could get out were some wimpering tears. And shame. In fact I think I was crying because I felt shame, not because of the images in my head. I felt like I didn't do enough in my dream to stop him, and this morning as I've been evaluating why I'm conflicted between how I should feel and how I do feel, I realize it's because that's how I feel about it in real life as well. I'm still ashamed because I feel like I didn't do enough to stop it. I know I shouldn't, I know how I should feel, but that doesn't make it any easier to BE that way.
Which is why I'm looking for help. In my confliction this morning I did remember my resolution to go to the Word and I remembered a verse about thinking about pure thoughts, and that's exactly what I needed right at that moment. I looked it up and turns out it's actually the very next part after the verse I mentioned last week:
Philippians 4:6-7 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” I should have kept looking because there was an important continuation. ..."Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think on such things."
Not only do I need to pray for God to give me peace, but I need to think on all that is good to clean my mind of whatever is not. I am memorizing these verses so that I can recite them everytime I feel my mind being taken over by 'not good' thoughts and images. Now I just need help re-wiring my brain and emotions to feel the things I am supposed to, when I'm supposed to. Hopefully soon.

Boneman's Daughters

Well, I told you how eager I was to read Boneman's Daughters and I finished it just before we left for Nashville. I wanted to finish reading it before I met Ted Dekker because if I had the chance I wanted to talk to him about it, considering my personal connection to the story.
It's interesting how hard this book was for me to read, although it wasn't really any more violent than any other books I've read, it felt much more real. I thought the hardest thing would be to read the father's view point of losing his daughter, and it was very moving, but I actually thought it was harder to read about his action to remedy the situation. I felt the same angonizing division as the father did because he felt he couldn't do what he was required to do to save his daughter, yet he couldn't NOT do it. Sometimes I am just too wrapped up in my thinking 'I can't hurt somebody else' that I overlook the hurt I'm inflicting on myself. I can't hurt somebody else but I can't keep hurting myself.
The other thing that really got me about this book was the ending. I won't spoil it for anyone who wants to read it, but it is not an ending you can apply in real life. I was expecting something a little more 'applicable' to my situation, since I thought he may have put his own 'wishful thinking' into the resolution, having experienced a real life Boneman as well. But alas, I received no such insight and in fact I was perplexed. Why would he put in such a unattainable ending? I was hoping to have a chance to ask him at the Gathering, but because of time constraints I wasn't able to. Then it dawned on me, as I was thinking about the question, Ted wasn't only writing about a human father's attempt to save his child, he's writing about our heavenly Father's attempt to save us as well. God is a lot more just than us, His judgement and execution of that judgement is perfect, AND has nothing to do with us, but with the Boneman's own relationship with Him. So, it turns out I answered my own question, but I still would have loved to have a dialogue with Ted about it.
I did enjoy the book, despite what it may sound like here : ), but it was an enjoyment that came from making discoveries about myself through a very well told story, rather than the normal enjoyment I get from my typical 'lose myself in them' fiction books. And this discovery of self through reading was then even more confirmed when Ted took the time to talk about the purpose of stories, whether writing or reading them, the purpose of a story is to discover our own story, and discover our place in the greatest story, God's story.
And another piece falls into place.

Nashville here we come!!!

Fighting Highjackers and Waging War

I came across a blog while I was surfing blogland, just so happens the author is an old family friend, so I read this entry and knew immediately Satan is trying to hijack me.
Since my little 'freak out' a few weeks ago I have feared the post traumatic stress has come back. I used to have nightmares and panic attacks, and as we know the nightmares have returned, and now in the last few weeks I have had tiny little anxiety attacks and I have no idea why I'm panicking and stressing. My chest gets tight, I can't focus, but worst of all I don't know what's triggering it so my mind is going crazy trying to find the source of my anxiousness, to no avail, which just stresses me out more.
Thankfully, these aren't that often, they only last a few minutes and then they are forgotten. But I worry that they are building, and I'm getting eager for a chance to get help so that I can deal with them and they can be gone. My pending vacation will hopefully alleviate that a little, but I will eventually have to return to the 'real' world. But for the mean time, I'm very grateful I found the link to this blog because it reminded of 2 Corinthians 10:3-5 "For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." There was a wonderful comment on this blog, 'I am not what Satan tells me I am, I am what God tells me I am". In a way, it is my knowledge of God that is being hijacked, I'm believing I have a reason to be anxious and I have to demolish the arguments Satan is creating in me. God is telling me to not be anxious about anything. Philippians 4:6-7 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Well, I am a natural worryer, and I struggle with equipping myself with the truth. Maybe that's why I know I need help. 2 Cor. does say 'we' a lot, maybe it's not the royal 'we', maybe it means we need others to help us to wage this war. Continue to pray and petition with me, that I can make my thoughts obedient to Christ, and receive His peace, guarding my heard and mind.

Musical Monday - Hold On

He will find you at the bottom of a bottle
He will find you at the needle's end
He will find you when you beg and steal and borrow
He will follow you into the strangers bed

He will find you when they serve you with the papers
He wil find you when the locks have changed again
He will find you when you've called in all your favours
He will meet you at the bridges highest ledge

So baby don't look down
It's a long way
The sun'll come around to a new day
So hold on
Love will find you
Hold on
He's right behind you now
Just turn around and love will find you

It will find you when the doctors head is shaking
It will find you in the boardroom, yes it did
It will crawl into the foxhole where you're praying
It will curl up in your halfway empty bed

(insert your own strongholds here)
It will find you when your heart is nearly broken
It will give you truth when all you've known is lies
It will hold you when with nightmares you are woken
It will find you when you're too tired for one more try

So baby don't believe that it's over
Maybe you can't see around the corner
So hold on
Love will find you
Hold on
He's right behind you now
Just turn around and love will find you

To hang between two thieves in the darkness
Love must believe you are worth it
You're worth it
So hold on
Love will find you
Hold on
He's right behind you now
Just turn around, he's right behind you now
Just turn around, love will find you
Love will find you
He's gonna be here
Love will find you, love will find you
~Hold On, Paul Brandt