What Else?

What else is going to go wrong?

I am long past the count of three.

Maybe they are coming in themes of three.

Like....Medical - miscarriage, Sean's really bad cold, my med side effects.

And now....Leadership.

3 weeks ago my boss, our office manager, announced he's stepping down from that role and we're hiring someone new. I am the only office administrator so my primary direction and responsibilities hinge on the person who is my boss, how they see my role...because it's already pretty vague and directionless.  Already been a little dissatisfied  since my job shifted priorities last April. Not going to lie. I'm nervous. Not for job security, but job satisfaction. 

Then, almost a week ago, the leader of our Celebrate Recovery ministry resigned. It has been a conclusion we have been aware of the potential of for three months. Doesn't make it any easier or less stressful or less uncertain for the future of CR and my own personal growth.  We're even more passionate about making this ministry grow now but we've lost a very significant resource.

And then today. Another unsurprise when our small group leaders decided they could no longer meet the needs of our small group. With a new born, a fireman's schedule, 3 other kids in the house adjusting to new family dynamics, it just wasn't doable. Understandably.

But.

The dynamics of our group leave almost no options, none that we've come up with yet, except for it to be at our house with us leading. Neither Sean nor I have that in us right now. We've barely had it in us to attend lately, never mind lead. One more thing costing us effort & energy is one too many. We have so many drains in our life and so few fountains in this season. 

I just can't see how it will work.

Yet I can't imagine losing my small group. 

They are a fountain. 

I just want to cry. And that's not the Estrogen talking.

Read the small print

Systematic, problematic
Come on, don't be so dramatic...

Lyrics to a song on my Just Dance 4, but feels like my life this last week.

 

Medication side effects.

 

Fun.

 

For the most part I've avoided reading side effects, because I'm highly suggestible (I'll likely adopt the symptoms), and I've trusted that the effects would not outweigh the benefit. I'm beginning to shed that ignorance with the lawsuits against HPV vaccines showing the risk of HPV is 1% and risk of side effects from vaccine is 3%.

But anywho.

I was told about the most prevalent side effects by my doctor and friend who was on Chlomid, and I was prepared to deal with that for a treatment I believe will work. Amplified cycle symptoms seemed doable since I hardly have any to begin with.

While their magnitude did take me by surprise a little, I knew fairly quickly, because of the timing, what I was experiencing. 

That was the first two doses. Now I am on the third, and highest.

Woah.

At first I did not catch on.

 

I've been in the midst of my typical fall busyness, experiencing stress with some upheaval in our CR ministry, the seasonal light change affecting me, not seeing friends/small group as much as I need. And then there's soldiering on maybe a little too quickly each month, because I'm on as strict cyclical regiment if I want this to happen anytime soon!

But I thought I was on the start of an upswing, getting motivation and energy back when suddenly I seemed to get knocked back down on my ass.

Suddenly I was so tired again. No energy. Couldn't sleep well. Felt inexplicably anxious about being drained of energy. Restless but not motivated. Cold and hot. Thought I was getting sick, but I never actually got sick.

Then the emotional rollercoaster started. Seems just about everything made me instantly weepy; t.v., songs, a blog post, a nice thing a friend said..... I'd ask myself 'what's wrong with you!' (not waiting for an answer) and forcing myself to 'smarten up'.  

 

But then it was my own thoughts making me weep, thoughts like, I'm done. I can't keep going through this waiting. Through this crazy cycle every month. My patience and hope have been stretched to the max. Eventually even a rubber band can't stretch anymore and snaps. I just can't anymore.

I felt so over dramatic.

Then for some reason, it clicked. This kicked into full gear 2 days earlier when I started my third dose. I decided to look up side effects of Chlomid. 

 

Fatigue

Can't sleep

Restlessness

Nervousness

Hot flashes 

Depression
Increased Estrogen - aka emotional sensitivity

Funny how understanding can temper a storm. Feeling normal in your abnormality helps tremendously!

Rejoice All Ways

So apparently I'm not lacking in hope.

Not lacking in love.

Not lacking in faith.

And not even lacking in joy.

That one is likely surprising given my last 2 posts.

But nope. Joy - check.

I am so filled with joy from the super awesome friends God has blessed me with, they speak and pour life into me. Constantly. They are a fountain, my fountain.

I am so filled with joy for the relationship I have with my amazing husband. I'm not sure how it can get any better, yet I'm sure it will.

I am so filled with joy for the love I share with my tremendous family. I can't, and don't, get enough of them.

I am so filled with joy for being able to hear and feel God, and relate to Him.

I am so filled with joy in anticipation for the life I know waits ahead of me.  That He has in store for me.

I am so filled with joy for the bountiful blessings God has poured out onto my life right now, financial security, warm home, safe car, etc.

I am so filled with joy for the opportunity to serve in a life restoring ministry, where I am able to facilitate and often just observe God's transforming power.

I am so filled with joy for the community of Christ-followers I belong to. I can't imagine life without their words, prayers, encouragement, support.

I am so filled with joy for co-workers who are so fun but also take the time to know what really matters to you. When it's hard to be at work, it's not hard to be around them.

I  am so filled with joy every time I see the sky display fantaburrifical colours and lights in such perfect, awe inspiring artistry, it takes my breath away.

I am so filled with joy when my cats put themselves in my path, making it very hard for me to ignore their pleas for cuddling and affection, especially when the cute chirps and rumbly purrs start.

10, 000 reasons for my heart to find.

I am so filled with joy.

In just about every way possible.

I am SO joyful.

So why is it that I am having trouble seeing past this one unjoyful circumstance?

A story comes to mind. One my cousin relayed from her pre-marital counseling. The Pastor showed them a blank white page that had one small black circle on it. He asked them what they saw. They saw the small black circle. He asked what else they saw. They searched hard for other blemishes on the page but could not find any. He then asked if they saw all the white on the page?

Duh.

The spot always gets the attention.

The messy spot.

The painful spot. 

A spot going nowhere soon...enough. 

So. It's up to me to intentionally focus on the white. So I can rejoice always, in all circumstance.

Any such thing as too much hope?

I feel like my heart is a balloon.

And hope the breath that fills it. 

I am naturally a very hopeful person, so that balloon was filled from day one. It has had it's small leaks, but it has floated along in life, sailing on the winds God gave me. 

After a big leak, God patched me up and filled be with hope again, and I learned how to stay away from places that punctured me, robbed hope from me, and I learned how to stay afloat high in His sky.

And as I floated higher I was filled with more hope. 

And the balloon grew bigger, and bigger. 

Bigger than ever before, bigger than ever imagined. 

But.

The balloon is now stretched so thin.

I think it's going to pop.

I feel so thin.

Like I'm stretched and have no more of myself to spread thinner.

Is it because hope is about to birth something, or am I meant to burst?

I'm not quite sure.

Nothing Good to Say

That's why I haven't said anything at all.

My reservoir of profound thoughts seemed to have drip, 

Drip,

Dripped away.

I don't remember them slipping away. 

Along with my creativity.

Along with my Umph.

Along with my drive.

Mere existence exhausts me most days. 

Why am I here. Again.

'Here' is on the couch, on days that end in Y.

At least I have adorable company.