Wellness Wednesday

I have known for eons (ok, not really eons, but as long as I've been 'diet' conscious) that being overweight has just as much to do with the mind as the body. Yet, I've done very little to apply that knowledge to my own struggle. Not sure why, that's a 'dive deep' discussion for another time I suppose, but I have finally started to dive deep into the intellectual/spiritual reasons I cannot seem to maintain a healthy weight. It started a few years ago but more deeply with Recovery in the last year, then it progressed along side Recovery with some books I've been reading and now a website I was recommended (thanks Lori!).

I've had a few ah ha moments over the last while that have been especially related to the brain, that this is truly a battle of the mind. And I have had yet another big one, and guess what, it all follows the same principle, what I think about and believe in becomes my reality!

"Metabolism is the sum total of all the chemical reactions in the body....mind influences chemistry...so actually Metabolism is the sum total of all the chemical reactions in the body, PLUS the sum total of all our thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and experiences!" (Psychology of Eating) 

I have always believed I was a slave to my 'bad' metabolism, even when I worked out a lot, but the battle isn't in my genes, it is in my mind and soul!

WOW!
That's all I can say right now, wow!

Musical Monday - What if God...

I've mentioned before that God speaks to me through the most interesting of songs, which I have shared here before.
Well, He's done it again.
But.
This one was different.
In a 'my heart is STILL racing' kinda different.

I spent the morning with God on a walk along the rivers at the Forks after I dropped Sean off for work at 8 am. I knew I wouldn't get to sleep in on my day off, even if I came home after the drop off, so I wanted to make the most of the stillness of the early morning. He works right near the Forks, which has been a favorite place, both for relaxation and meeting God, and I don't get many opportunities to walk in the rain, which I love, so I knew I had to take this walk. I didn't hear as much as I hoped in the hour.
But.
He was preparing my heart.

Then I met a dear friend for breakfast and chat. When I say dear friend, I feel like I can't possibly convey how special this friend is to me. I have begun to realize God has knit my soul with certain friends, like He did with David and Jonathan, but with others it has been a slower progression, partly because of my lack of understanding and partly because of less frequent interactions. But this soul tie has been so instant and deep it's been undeniably orchestrated. And as the relationship has unfolded it is obvious why, we are so knit together on so many levels. We can talk for eternity it seems, we got kicked out of the restaurant after 3 hours because they were too busy, and we weren't finished! I told her about my God mix tapes, she was telling me about seeing Jesus, especially the heavenly Jesus, not earthly Jesus...in ALL his splendid glory. We talked and talked and talked...so much shared and revealed and confirmed. Sigh :) Maybe another day I'll have more to share. But for now, I'm focusing on the mix tape.

So, after I dropped her off I had half an hour until Sean was off work, I parked in his company's lot and decided to turn on my worship playlist and spend some time getting into the presence of Jesus again. I had realized in our conversation that I needed much more solitude to get that FULL presence, which I hadn't received on my walk. I have spent time with Jesus in "our field" before, but what I have struggled with is actually looking into His eyes, I just can't bring myself to look into the eyes of my Lord. I can see His bright, playful smile but my eyes won't lift to meet His. My friend was describing looking into His eyes and I've been hoping I will be able to experience that as well, sooner than later! So anyway, the first worship song comes on.
Nothing.
The second song starts playing and I realize it's playing from 'All Songs' not my 'Worship' playlist.
But.
The song was, 'What If God Was One Of Us'. (I like this recent version best!)
I let it play because I love it and decided after I would switch back to my playlist.

I never got that far.
I was hit by a wave of emotion when I heard...
"If you were faced with him in all His glory
What would you ask if you had just one question"

Wow. His glory. Just like my friend was talking about.
And the question.
This reminded me of this video I watched a few month ago that had really moved me. It's quite long but SO worth watching. God asked Kim Walker of Jesus Culture to ask Him 2 questions, and it's a truly heart-moving encounter with God! The encounter part starts at about 26 min. but the first part is very interesting too :) So anyway, it is in fact my same dear friend that told me about this video, and we often talk about treasuring what we learned from what God showed Kim and applying it to how God sees us. We had just earlier mentioned it again.

So, my heart in those few words was immediately opened wide to Him and that's when I heard...
"If God had a face what would it look like
And would you want to see
If seeing meant that you would have to believe"

That's when I saw Him. Just like my friend had, in all His glory. The golden light from His face blinded me though, and I couldn't see any features. I could only see His body, robed, and His arms kept lifting to the music, like He was orchestrating or creating it! I began sobbing in convulsions - but just in my chest with tears rolling down my face.

I couldn't even hear the rest of the song, I was just so overcome.
Over.
Come.

It makes me want more yet I'm not sure I can handle more! An experience I won't forget any time soon. Hopefully never.

Happy Mother's Day

I haven't been shy in the last few month of sharing some prophetic words given to me about children. I was before January, but I learned just because I may not have understood the revelation 100% didn't make it any less real or true, and I am no longer concerned with what other people think if it doesn't happen like 'it was supposed to'.

Prophetic words/visions are quite a new experience for me. Before I met my husband, I didn't think that happened since Revelation. He was the only one I had ever met who 'knew' things before they happened. Then I heard a little more about it in our Church circles, but I thought they were a spiritual gift that only certain people could get, only Prophets could get. Ever since I've learned about listening prayer though, God has been proving that is not the case over and over again for me in the last 2 years. It's still pretty unfamiliar territory though in my family.


So, anyway, on Friday my mom took me out for lunch while she was in Winnipeg for appointments, we get to do this 1-2 a year and it's a nice time just the two of us to talk. She's been reading my blog faithfully since I began it (Hi mom!) and has read about the rainbow promises through my friend. She decided, that since I'm open to hearing about words/visions from God she would share the one she had for me. Since this is a new experience for her, she wasn't sure she should share, she asked for advice from other prayer warriors who advised she would know when and if to tell me. She took my blog about my latest promise as a sign to share.

My mom was praying in March for a couple who was finally pregnant after nine years, some complications with getting sick in the 8th month. These prayers didn't include/touch on my situation at all. Anyway, as she was praying for this couple she heard 'Your daughter next year.' And she knew this was meant for me about having a child.

A timely gift from my mom, and God, just days before Mother's Day, one of the hardest days of the year for me. I know God is making it very hard to be doubtful, as this is at least the 4th time someone has said God has told them I will one day have children in the last 3 months. Before mom's words, I had enough faith renewed I could have waited a few more years. Now I'm pretty sure I won't have to!

The Emptying

Let me first start with a TMI warning. Girl stuff. If you can't handle it, don't read any further.

So several weeks ago I began to feel....well, it's hard to describe. Not really depressed, or hopeless. I'm still not entirely sure, but eventually it made the most sense when I called it the 'emptying'. I started seeing it as that because of the time of month it was. Every month is hard, but especially since the miscarriage and my subsequent promises. Ever since I felt that hollow feeling in January, every month I feel the 'emptying' in a way I never have before. It is no longer just cramps, I can actually feel the shedding, the discarding of  what was a part of me. It's a terribly void feeling.

But I've been realizing it is more than just that.

It started with this revelation of dependence on things other than God. Yet, instead of shedding those dependencies, it instead feels like I've been stripped of what I want to keep.  I think I'm going through an emptying for a reason. To be refilled with what God selects to be placed into my life, not me. I can select Godly things myself but that's not the point, I know because he's shown me not every thing I've done for God will go back in this vessel of my life. I just am not quite sure what I will be refilled with yet.

So. I am in this limbo. Feeling like I'm running on empty.
But.
One thing I am most certainly not empty of.

Hope.
He has given me an abundance of hope.
He has poured so much hope into my life that I'm actually ok feeling empty.

Well, part of me is.
The productive side of me doesn't like that very much, doesn't like waiting, doesn't like the resting/restoration process that works on just being rather than doing. It is perplexed, because there is meaning in purpose, and lack of purpose feels meaningless.

But my spirit finds a little more peace and joy the more I shut my productive side up. The more I focus on just being with God rather than pumping him for information, the more he reveals to me. The more I focus on my purpose just making him the center of my life every day, the less I'm concerned with anything beyond today.

It's like Spring cleaning. It's exhausting, but so worth it. And I eagerly anticipate what the Potter intends for this piece of clay.

Refill

I need a refill but I'm not entirely sure what I need refilled! Haha. Well, that's not completely true, I do have some indicator lights flashing, as I've been sitting and thinking for a few weeks now, wondering what has caused this draining feeling.

I need a refill on energy and time. 

When my one small group ended our weekly meetings at the beginning of April I thought I would feel so much more of both, energy and time. It's only been 6 weeks but I am MORE tired! How did that happen?? I know there was still a lot in my schedule in April that isn't usually, 2 family gatherings instead of one, a grad to help plan and attend, 4 days out of the province for work, a movie to still promote and see. Not to mention 30 ODP pictures to take and post.

April was a crazy but really fun month!

I need a refill on things to blog about.
In addition to the energy and time, I have had very little motivation to share on my blog. Not sure why? I've had a lot to talk about with people in person, or text, or email. I miss sharing more here. Hopefully that motivation/inspiration will come back in spades....soon.

I need a refill on truth about my self-image.
I know I need a refill on grace for myself too....this one seems to be a constant work in progress and any fuel I get doesn't seem to absorb. 

I need a refill on family.
Even though I have luckily been able to spend more time with some of my family lately, and more than usual is scheduled to come, it actually makes me miss them more. In particular my sisters, I really wish we had so much more time to just talk...not catch up on life but actually talk. I look forward to our weekend of driving to the states July long!

I need a refill on God.

I have a lot of God in my life, so much more than I did 2 years ago, WAY more than I did 4 years ago, but I have this insatiable thirst for more. I think it's similar to what I just said about family, the more I get the more I want! I thought I wanted what I have now 4 years ago....
My 'God time' has gone from about 3-4 hrs per week to at least 8 hrs per week.
The 'God people' in my daily life has gone from about 2-3 to now 10+, who I can go to at any time of the day, any day of the week, and be so real in my struggles and be supported, encouraged and inspired.
And the 'God people' in my life who surround me, whom I learn from and whom I get to pour into, that number went from about 6 to now 40+.
I think that exponential growth has just created this craving for more, and while I'm not empty, I long for more than I used to satisfy me.

Anyway, that's just a little bit about why my blog has been so empty lately. Sometimes I feel like I need to empty my life of somethings so there is room for a refill of all I need. That's another thing I've been pondering, trying to figure out.