I know my last entry left you hanging : ) and you probably weren't expecting something as exciting as a blog about fasting, lol. And if you don't think fasting is exciting then you are in the same shoes I was 33 days ago. Having said that, I hate to be even more of a tease, but fasting isn't what my eyes have been opened to, it has helped in opening my eyes. First things first, I wanted to share what led to my awakening, please continue to be patient, this is a long one, and then I'll get to what you are all so anxiously waiting for : )
My Church has some pretty fantastic leadership, and about 45 days ago they intended to have a weekend about prayer and fasting, but the Holy Spirit really nudged and prodded until they realized they needed to devote more time to unpackaging the mystery of fasting for their congregation, and so January became a MONTH of prayer and fasting. Now going into the first weekend of January, knowing we were going to be encouraged to fast was both daunting and something I yearned for. I have heard so many good things about prayer life from those I know who've fasted, and I've always struggled with praying like I think I should pray, so I wanted that for myself, yet fasting just seemed too spiritual for me to succeed at. But again, our amazing leaders spoke about it in a way that really flipped my perception of fasting.
First myth dispelled, fasting doesn't instantly make you a better pray-er (is that a word?). Fasting in of itself is not spiritual and therefore doesn't miraculously tranform how you communicate with God. Fasting is how we remove things from our life that we use to fulfill our emotional and spiritual needs that are not getting met, because we turn to food, t.v., internet, etc. before we turn to God. It is hard to be connected to God, to be filled by the Holy Spirit, when we fill ourselves with so many poor replacements that were not designed to fulfill any needs except for physical and intellectual. And so we purposefully remove those 'crutches' during fasting so that we can intentionally rely on God.
Second, fasting is a way to become disciplined, to learn how to deny the desires of our flesh that lead to using emotional and spiritual crutches. Our body and our soul (our will, personality, intellect), without connection to our spirit, which in turn is connected to God, are like a child without discipline and guidance. Imagine a willful, small child that has raised iteslf, no authority to guide it and teach it self-control, then placing a parent in that child's life after a few years of free reign, and that is a good picture of how our bodies and souls react to what God speaks into our spirits. Fasting will help our spirit be a better parent to our 'inner child'. Isn't that quite the image to contend with when I 'crave' a donut, you should hear the scolding I now give myself in my mental dialogue. And yet, I am much more aware of my weakness as a parent and a human when I still give in to my own whining.
Third, fasting's sole purpose isn't to suffer in hunger as a reminder to pray. I previously thought that hunger pains were a good reminder it was time to pray, since my time was not consumed with consuming. We still need to eat, but we need to feed on spiritual food, the only kind of food that will fullfill those emotional and spiritual holes. The Word was made flesh (Jesus), Jesus is the bread of life, the Word is the bread of life. We need to hunger for the Word, feed on the Word, fill ourselves with His Word. The only plan for spiritual sustanance is the Word. How can we connect to God if we are not listening to His primary way of communicating with us? One of our pastors had this analogy; if you are hungry, your stomach is growling and it is beginning to have pangs, you do not expect that licking a pot roast will satisfy that hunger do you? In the same way, we can not take a mear lick at Scriptures and expect our spiritual hunger will end. We need to chew, swallow, eat until we are nurished, and then REPEAT. One meal does not a life time last.
SO! Armed with this new information (and more, here is a
link to our sermons should anyone want to hear first hand) I was gung-ho about fasting and immediately committed to fasting 2 days a week with the
Daniel fast (one type recommended to newbies) as well as fasting those same days from all media (t.v., internet, video games, movies). I was ambitious and optomistic but I was seeking answers from God and willing to do anything for those answers. Something else I learned about fasting was there are many reasons to fast, secondary to growing close to our Father, such as; overcoming a struggle with temptation, answers to big questions, and preparing for Jesus' return. I have had huge questions about my purpose in life and whether that includes children or not and so I dove into my fasting days with passion and determination to seek God's voice.
Being my first real attempt I'd have to say I stuck to my fast better than I expected, but it was not without huge temptation and occasional succumbing to temptation. However, through my Bible studies and prayer, I received an inner peace from God like I've never felt. Just before Christmas I had just begun wading into the ocean of peace that comes with trusting God, but now I have dove in deep. Since trying to get pregnant I have admittedly been almost completely internally focused, but now, my eyes have shifted off of myself ('when will I be a mother', 'will I be a mother', 'if won't be a mother, what is my purpose') and focused on 'am I on God's path for my life?' The answer is YES : ) I received a vision of me with a lantern, and I can not see past my little circle of light, BUT, I am IN the light! And, I'm on His path! What joy that brought me! Joy that I thought would elude me should I ever face a future with no children, yet today I face that future (although not with 100% certainty), and God has transformed my perception of that future so that I still have tremendous joy.
He has done a lot of preparing of my heart, soul and mind for my future, it has been a very long journey and it seems like it is so very long in front of me as well (despite not being able to 'see' : ), but now I feel I have been brought to a crossroads. I feel like I have been equipped for something, that I am now ready to be given my direction, and because I fasted I am still in the light and on the right path. And now that I'm prepared, I believe my circle of light has just been widened and my eyes have been opened.
And that my friends is where I leave you hanging, again. I hope to have some coherent thoughts about my revelations soon so that I do not keep you waiting long. Thanks for hanging in there this long, I hope it was worth it!
